Post # 1
I’m sure this has been discussed at lenght over the years here on the hive, but I did a search and I can’t find a satisfying answer.
WHY should we invite extended family if we really don’t want them to come, just to be polite? this feels like outdated etiquette that doesn’t sit well with me.
we want to keep our ceremony relatively small, and I’m having a difficult enough time to keep it under 75! if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have excitedly told so many people about our wedding- and kept it really small.
BUT, now we are obliged to invite those we gave Save-The-Date Cards to. I’m already considering talking to some of our long distance friends and explaining that we unfortunately cannot invite them afterall.
My FI’s Dad thinks that out of respect for family, we should send an invite to all her aunts and uncles- and her family is BIG. it feels weird to do this, when we are hoping they will decline! they are also on the other side of the country.
seems like a waste of money just so their feelings aren’t hurt.
anyone else in this situation? what are/did you do about it?
Post # 3
I have a HUGE extended family. Only a handful are receiving invites. Why? Well, etiquette might want me to invite these people but I’m pretty sure etiquette isn’t paying for the wedding, I am. Until etiquette leaves a box of money on my door step I literally don’t have the money to accomodate them. I’m honestly not that close with them, I won’t miss them, they won’t miss me, I can’t afford to have them there. My Future In-Laws felt some of their extended family should have been invited and promised us that they would decline. But what if they didn’t? What if they accepted and now I don’t have money to feed them? I would rather just not send the invite than say, “thanks for coming, but unfortunately we don’t have money to host you.” At the end of the day we made them agree to pay for every head above and beyond our budget that they felt “had” to be there. If I don’t have the money I don’t have the money. It’s as simple as that.
Post # 4
@claireos: “Until etiquette leaves a box of money on my door step I literally don’t have the money to accomodate them.”
mwahh ha ha!!!
Post # 5
I think that if you sent a STD to them, you are obliged to invite them.
That being said, I am not inviting some relatives and inviting others, depending on how close we are. If they ask, I’ll mention something about how I am only inviting people either myself or my Fiance has talked to in the last year or two.
Etiquette says you must invite x, y, and z, but in the end, it’s up to you. Just be prepared for the possible fall out.
Post # 6
Just to clarify. Etiquette’s only stand on who you invite to your wedding is that social units (married, engaged, living together couples) must always be invited together.
There is nothing that says all family members must be invited. You can invite whomever you like. You can invite one of your twin sisters and not the other if you like.
If you sent them STD’s you have already invited them. So you must follow up with a formal invite with the details.
To the OP. Do not invite people that you cannot accomodate, and hope they say no. You must be prepared to actually host every single person that you send an invite to. It would be horribly rude to invite them, have them accept and then tell them you cannot accomodate them.
Post # 8
we invited and they all declined lol so much drama you must invite a and b and c and then they say no lol i had a friend self invite and im like i need your rsvp and she says no , omg dramas, i even said ok bring babies because a few said no and then they still said no omg i dont care anymore just invite who you want and if other family members complain they say be all means you can cover there amount … good luck and i totally hear ya .
Post # 9
I don’t think you should have to invite anyone, especially if you are funding the event. It’s your party, you’re paying for it, YOU say who is invited. No one is entitled to an invite to a party they are not paying for.
However, if you sent Save-The-Date Cards to these people, you should send invitations.
Post # 10
We are doing the same thing with my step-families and some of his cousins that he has not seen in years. While we are not treating all members of the family of the same relation the same, we just can’t afford, nor do we have space for everyone. I feel guilty about it for about 5 minutes, but then remember we did not want a 175 person wedding, and get over it.
Post # 11
My Fiance has a really large fam. His mom has 12 siblings I think. We are having a small wedding (less than 30 people). We have had a few rude remarks from his aunts, and we just ignore them. I think they are out of line to comment on our wedding and why they aren’t invited. After 6 years w/ Fiance, I have only spent a significant amount of time with one of them. I would love to invite all of them, but it’s not in our budget. Plus then we would have to invite all of my extended family too!
Sometimes we will just say we are having a small wedding with immediate family and close frineds only. I think that is reasonable. I just keep telling myself that my Fiance doesn’t even know them, so I think they are getting upset over nothing. Obviously, if I can invite a friend that I spend a lot of time with and am very close with or an aunt that I haven’t seen in 4 years and don’t really know…..I’m going with the one I am closest too!
I also think it is a bad idea to invite people and hope they don’t come. There is always the chance that they will.
Post # 12
If you send a STD then you must invite someone to a wedding. Seriously. However, I think lots of us invite people we hope will RSVP no. I absolutely despise my step-uncle and don’t want him there, but I cannot possibly not invite him at the risk of offending my aunt (godmother) who I do want there.
Post # 13
@Miss Orchard: glad other people are feeling my pain.
that’s the thing- we DIDN’T send Save-The-Date Cards to all her aunts and uncles, but her Dad is pushing us to send an invite to them all, out of family courtesy. He even said, well you know x, y, and z can’t come, but you have to invite them anyway.
just weird. but, after talking with my sweetie about this over dinner, we have now resigned ourselves to being polite and inviting them all… and if more people say yes, then roll the cameras because My Big Fat Pagan Lesbian Wedding, 2012 edition is a’happening!! Lol!
and to think we originally planned a family potluck picnic in a beach park, with about 30 people….
i’m just glad our invites aren’t costing us much per unit!