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Honestly, it sounds like he might be afraid of how much this is going to cost. Maybe he figures if it's all within the "year" it won't snowball out of control? He could also dread talking about wedding planning and figures this will buy him some time before having to deal with it all.
Some guys know they want to be married, but they don't want to *deal* with the nuts and bolts of a wedding right away. For some men they are afraid of change. He might want things to stay as they are for awhile longer before wedding mania and married life begin...
I of course don't know your guy, just throwing some guesses out there!
Sit down with him and firmly tell him that when he puts you off like this it makes you feel like he doesn't want to marry you at all and that it hurts to hear him talking that way. My fiance didn't really want to do any planning for the wedding either and was making similar comments about not wanting to start planning or hear about planning. When he realized how his actions were really making me feel he stopped making those comments. Even then, however, I had to take the reins to choose a date and get things started.
I would imagine that because he's working so much, having the additional stress of planning out a wedding would seem overwhelming to him, as well as costly. I think I would recommend you taking the lead, and perhaps putting together a plan for everything, including a timeframe with financials. I know with me, my fiance is chief resident, and has so much going on with work, that for us it's much easier for me to take over all of the wedding planning. Putting together a plan on how much we need to save per month, and what tasks we need to accomplish in what months and why we need to do it is a bit help on both end.
That does sound a little bit like him..
We are not very well off, We kinda "make it" if you know what i mean.. Im a student at university (from home because i have a bad condition)
I dont want a big wedding. I figured that if we like spread it out over the year it wont feel like it costs so much.. The wedding dress i like is only £200, My mummy and daddy are paying for the photography and the entertainment and his parents are paying for the honeymoon. (Trinidad- so i can meet the rest of his family) I like smaller more intimate weddings.. All i wanted was a date.. i didnt want him to hand me his wallet lol..
im not sure about asking him again - i dont know if i have the confidence too.. im worried he will get snappy . We never really have had an "argument" .. weve had slight disagreements but not what id call arguments.. and we always make up.. over everythhing but the wedding. GRRR
If you want to start planning, start planning. No one says that your DH needs to be 100% involved in every decision. Just tell him "I chose this. If you want something different, let me know." That way, you either get what you want or he'll be forced to give his opinion.
My DH didn't really want to talk about the wedding, because he really didn't care about the details. If I tried to bring it up in generic terms like "what should our colors be?" or "what kind of flowers do you like?", his eyes would glaze over. So I went about narrowing down all of the decisions to two options. Then I would to go him and say "this one or that one?" and he would choose. He said the only things that were important to him were 1) top shelf booze, 2) big steaks and 3) cookies instead of cake. So that's what he got!
DH still brags to people about how I planned a great party and I didn't force him to get involved when he didn't want to.
It kind of seems like he may be trying to stall a bit :-/ That may or may not be true but maybe you should start taking initiative. My FH has voiced his opinion about what he wants and doesn't want here and there, but he has done nothing as far as researching venues so I took it upon myself to make the appts. If I left it up to him, it would never get done. It's also possible that your FH has no knowledge about planning a wedding.
I suggest you start taking initiative. Setup appts with the venues, and let him know.
My FI keeps brushing off anything I say because its "too early". Better to do things when you want to vs waiting longer and having to rush. I think men just dont wanna deal. I think you need to put your foot down. Make appointments, tell him about them, and tell him you will make a decision without him if he doesn't get a bit more involved. Worked for me.
I honestly think it boils down to men don't realize what it takes to plan a wedding, no matter how small. Also, that venues book up early, so you do need to plan certain things in advance. Maybe try telling him, "look, we need to set a date so that we can at least get a venue booked, which needs to be done now. Once that's done, I wont' need your input again for another month or so to figure out catering, photography, etc."
It may just be that he thinks you want him to spend so much time that he doesn't have. But, if you tell him he only really needs to spend a few minutes picking a date, then later on figuring out from a couple of venues, then later on other stuff, then maybe he will be more willing
@RowieDrummond: To be honest, I don't think guys generally like planning a wedding anway. I know whenever I talked about it for a while, FI would just roll his eyes at me lol. I think what you need to do is pick a date YOU want, then two or three "backup dates". Do some research. Put together a general timeline, and set up a budget/spreadsheet. Get a "ballpark" number for the amount of guests you want. Show him the details, show him this will be possible, and you will be able to pull this off financially. If I were you though, I'd have already started saving what I could for it. I hope ya'll work it out.
It kinda sounds like the problem may be bigger than just the wedding issue. How would you rate your relationship? Really good, just okay? Are you equals and share values and opinions on other things besides the wedding? Does he not allow you to talk about other things or else you'll 'get in trouble'? It could just be he's nervous or scared about the finances or something else but you really need to sit down and have a serious talk. Make sure you do premaritial councelling since everyone should do that before saying their I Do's.
I probably just got lucky but my DH wanted to be right by my side most of the planning process. He was excited and needed to be included. There was no forcing him to help me. He wanted to marry me and wanted to make the day special for both of us.
Sounds like a combination of things.
1) fear over the cost - and/or not understanding what budget you'll want or need
2) fear over the changes
3) stress/business/not wanting to handle another thing
4) not understanding how long weddings can take to plan
5) poor communication skills between the two of you
Really, 1-4 can't be tackled until #5 gets a revamp. Maybe ask for a meeting with him, let him tell you what time would work for you both to sit down and chat for real no skipping out.
Then maybe write some things down. Some reassurance, some questions, what budget you'd like, a few dates that you've thought would work and reasons behind each. Think about some of the more complicated details and have your opinions and possible solutions laid out.
If you want action, you can't be passive yourself. Be clear and don't get upset if you can help it and try to get him to see that you're excited and not stressed or freaked out.
DH drove me nuts when wedding planning. He tried to be difficult as possible sometimes. It wasn't that he didn't want to be married, but he wasn't really into the wedding itself. If I gave him something very specific (put these stamps on the envelopes) he was helpful. If I asked him a question about what he wanted he purposely gave me silly, outrageous answers. The day of, he had a great time. Guys can just be extremely frustrating when it comes to the planning!
I think you need to agree on a date or atleast a month before you can really plan in earnest, because the wedding date,month and season play a big role in a lot of decisions that you make
@KatyElle: YES. We have been engaged 6 months with no date or even a whole lot of discussion...his reasoning being that he is afraid that if we start too early, that gives us more time to add more and more to the bill.
Also, if he has any other goals in mind to accomplish before paying for a wedding, he may be stalling because he needs to handle one thing before starting another. Men can't multitask like we can, so if he is (for example) super focused on paying off a large bill or getting a project done to the house, it's no use trying to talk to him until that is done.
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Me and my partner have been engaged for nine months now. He proposed to me in our favourite resturant.. not what i call brilliantly romantic but it was lovely
We have been together for three years and I have two childrem from before i met him but he has been bringing the children up with me pretty much since the begining.
My son is 6
My daughter is 3
I am 22
and he is 36
We want to get married next summer (June - August 2012). Thats all fine but he is being very strange.
He pretty much refuses to plan or talk about the wedding untill EXACTLY a year before... when i mentioned that if we dont have a date then how do we know when its a year before (Durrr) i just get into trouble.. he had a go at me and started going on about how much work he had to do.. blah blah.. usual stuff
I know he works hard i really do and i appreciate what he does but i think hes a workaholic. He doesnt relax and it makes him ill and tired and leaves me feeling neglected. not to mention the children sometimes..
Hes a 100% lovely brilliant man i couldnt want anything else.. hes just being really weird.. Hes told me 4 times " We can sort out a date after this week/in 2 weeks/ after this weeks out of the way, ect, ect
Im getting a bit tired of hearing it.. I have a TERRIBLE menory so i started writing down when he said we could so i didnt ask him twice about the same thing because i know it annoys him.. he saw it and he was very annoyed and thought i was doing it to annoy him and to show him how he didnt care or something silly like that, it was only for a reminder to me thats all..
I think he was annoyed when he found it because he realised or it showed him how many times and excuses hes told me i dont know
I just feel sad about it now.. The three venues i really liked are all now not available for when we want (i told him this) I know he wants to get married and he is looking forward to it, he keeps saying lets just get this week out of the way.. but he says that all the time.. theres always going to be "something else" to do
I dont know what to say to him anymore..