Why is it ok for the woman to be jobless but not the man?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I have a house husband and it works pretty well for us.  The only problem is that our parents’ generation just doesn’t get it so he gets criticized often.  He picks up contracts here and there for extra cash when we need it and he takes care of household chores including cooking, cleaning, and laundry when he’s home so it’s not like he lays around all day while I work.

Post # 3
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

Jeo4500:  There are stay at home dads. I think a lot of it is on the man though, he thinks he needs to work. My FI would probably LOVE to be a house husband, a kept man. LOL! He is in a way. He works on oil rigs on the other side of the world half the year and is home and pretty much does not the other half. Agree with PP that the older generation does not get it. A few years back we had some money troubles and had to move in with my parents for a few months and all my mom did was complain that he stayed up all night and slept all day and that he needed to get a job. At the time the issue was not that he did not want a job, it was that there were no jobs in his field. Once he got back to work we got out of there, but he has this behavior the 6 months of the year he is home and it is just fine with me, as we have enough money to live on all year. I do not even have to work, I like having the extra money to do extra things. We have to fit a year of family living into 6 months too, so that helps.

Post # 4
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My dad was a stay at home dad throughout my entire childhood. When I hit my teens he got a stable job.

Post # 5
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Neither of us would choose to be a stay at home spouse, but if we are blessed with kids and able to have one of us stay home, it doesn’t matter who.

Post # 6
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think there’s a big difference between “house husband” and bum. Someone who sits around at home bumming around on the couch all day, not helping out, and not looking for work, IS in fact a bum imo and there’s no way I would put up with that. But a stay at home dad, or if I made a lot of money a stay at home husband who took care of the household is different. If you’re going to be a SAHH, then you should be held to the same expectations and standards that a SAHW would, which typically is to keep house, cook, etc… etc… But most of the out of work husbands we hear about aren’t exactly doing that.

Aside from all that, there’s definitely still a social stigma that men should work and women should stay home, or at least that it’s more acceptable for them to. So a lot of that is just traditional society.

Post # 7
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Jeo4500:  I personally think that either partner choosign to stay home as a stay at home parent is great and should be respected.

In terms of being a house wife/husband (in the absence of children) it kind of makes me raise an eyebrow, but it has nothing to do with gender.  And really, to each their own.

Also note that being unemployed is different than being a housewife.  The technical definition of unemployed is that you are looking for work but have not yet found a job.

What makes you a bum is failing to make a contribution.  A contribution could be making money, or taking care of the home, or caring for the children, etc.  If you sit at home all day doing nothing, then you are a bum.  I hope that most house wives/husbands don’t do this!

Post # 8
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’ve wondered this same thing. I’m going to be a SAHM when our baby is born in October. I’ve also had a very difficult pregnancy and there would be no way I could work right now. This works out for us because my husband makes 4 times more than I do. So it would be stupid for him to be the one to stay home. I asked him if our roles were reversed and I was the one making 4 times more would be want to be a SAHD. He said that he wouldn’t like that because he would feel bad that he wasn’t supporting our family financially. He loves that I’m going to stay home though. I think part of the reason it’s socially acceptable for the mom to stay home more so than the dad is that some men don’t feel like they’re as able to stay home and feel emasculated to stay home. I think this is starting to change though and it’s becoming more and more accepted for guys to stay home, too. 

Post # 9
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t be ok with DH not being employed (meaning not actively looking for work) any more than I would be ok with myself being unemployed.

We live in a downtown condo; there are just the two of us; we clean up and put things away as we use them so there really is not enough for either one of us to do to stay home all day.

I would rather we both put in the effort now with our careers and be able to retire earlier and wealthier.

Post # 10
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

It wouldn’t be “okay” for either of us not to have a job. If two people come to an agreement where one person stays home and that works for them, cool. For us, we are good with managing a household and working. If it got out of hand, we would hire extra help (like a cleaning agency) rather than one of us giving up our career for domestic tasks. 

I guess it’s unusal where I grew up or something but I don’t know any stay at home spouses regardless of gender. Staying home to parent feels different to me but I can’t wrap my head around why people can’t clean a house + work. I’ve been doing it for years. 

As for why it’s generally women who stay home, I think that’s just traditional gender roles coming into play. 

Post # 11
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

cbgg:  I feel exactly the same way. Either gender staying home to raise kids doesn’t make me think twice. When someone stays home without kids and is physically capable of working, I raise my eyebrows too.

Post # 12
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

somethingblue04:  +1 FI and I feel the same — we should both be doing something and not just staying home. Our goal is to be able to live off one income (the smaller of our two incomes) and to invest the other or use it to fund new technology companies. 

It’s pretty common where we are (Bay Area) for people to have their own projects and get funded by magic money / savings / etc. As long as we can pay our bills, I’m happy for FI to do whatever he wants. 

Post # 13
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Unfortunately, my husband chose a career that isn’t very lucrative these days, writing fiction.  When he worked the traditional 9 to 5 he was miserable and it showed in everything that he did.  It just didn’t make since for him to continue working a job he hated for money we didn’t need to live comfortably.  There is more to life than money and I would rather have him home writing and making no money than working every day and being miserable enough he thought of hurting himself.

Post # 14
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

bitsybee:  We try to do that too! We want to function off one income but have the other as a buffer. If one of us wasn’t capable of working that would be entirely different but it’s important to both of us to make a financial contribution. 

It would be nice to stay home with kids but I feel at that stage of our lives we will need more money and not less. I can work from home a few days per week so that will help but we definitely want a double income when kids come along to ensure we can afford life’s extras. 

Post # 15
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

somethingblue04: The sad thing is that for most (not you, not me, just generally speaking), the reality is that you need 2 incomes to be comfortable — i.e. not a layoff, a car breakdown, an unanticipated medical bill away from debt and its resulting interest. 

And sometimes life’s extras (braces, education, etc.) are really life’s needs. I’m a big believer in everyone do what’s right for them and their relationship, but don’t come whinging when you want it both ways!

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors