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Check out Interfaithfamily.com You an easily find an interfaith Rabbi marry you. Also check around at reform synagogues. You may not find a rabbi at the synagogue who is willing to do it but you may find that they know other rabbis who will. That is what we did and we found an awesome rabbi that way.
Since you asked, here are my thoughts:
A Rabbi's job is to officiate at Jewish weddings. It is not a Jewish wedding unless both participants are, at least nominally, Jewish. The issue is not whether your fiance is church-going or decorates a tree. His degree of belief or observance is irrelevant. He simply is not Jewish and does not wish to be Jewish so why should a Rabbi join him to you in a Jewish ceremony? You will be the only Jewish person so how would it be meaningful?
The same holds true for clergy of any faith.
I would find an officiant who can bind you two together in the beliefs you actually do share, so that the ceremony is meaningful and relevant to you both.
@popover: Sorry but I don't think she asked for you to tell her why she shouldn't have a Jewish wedding. My fiance is Jewish and I am Christian and we are having a Jewish and Christian wedding. A rabbi is joining us under the jewish traditiona and a minister is joining us under the christain religion. It is very possible and very practical and very meaningful for both sides.
@popover: The same does not hold true for clergy of any faith. A Catholic priest will, for example, marry a Catholic and a non-Catholic, provided certain conditions are met.
@Lisamr: You really have two issues here, one practical and one theoretical. The practical issue is that with a third of the Jewish population having been killed in the Holocaust, there is considerable sentiment in much of the Jewish community against interfaith marriages. The concern is that kids who grow up in interfaith households are less likely to stay Jewish than kids who grow up in Jewish households, and thus that interfaith marriage may finish the elimination of the Jewish people started by Hitler. The truth of the matter is certainly in dispute (I was not originally Jewish, but both of my kids are), but that is the basis for a lot of Jewish objections to interfaith marriage. And that objection even if the nonJewish spouse has no faith at all. (My wife was not a member of any religion.)
The second is theoretical. Unlike a Christian marriage ceremony, a traditional Jewish ceremony does not involvve reciprocal vows between bride and groom. Instead, the groom offers the ketubah and the ring, and the bride simply accepts them. The ketubah starts with the Aramaic for, "Be my wife according to the practice of Moses and Israel." The question becomes how a nonJewish groom could make such an offer, or a nonJewish bride could accept it, since it specifies the whole thing being under Jewish law.
All that being said, there are Reform rabbis, and Reform and Conservative cantors, who will perform interfaith marriages. If yours will not, I second the suggestion to check out Interfaithfamily.com.
@popover: a rabbi's job is not to officiate at jewish weddings, it is to provide leadership and spiritual council to a community. each rabbi gets to make their own choice about whether or not they will marry an interfaith couple. there are LOTS who choose to do so.
@Lisamr: where in NY are you from? i can send you the name of the rabbi in NYC that i would have loved to officiate our wedding (FI and i have the exact same backgrounds as you and your fiance although i grew up conservative), but we decided to get married in maryland and didn't want to pay to have him travel to us. he pretty much specializes in interfaith weddings.
If you're in NYC check out lovinghearts ceremonies. It's a rabbi and a reverend (who are married to each other!). The rabbi did my and H's ceremony, and while it wasn't interfaith (we're both Jewish), he was SO flexible and basically rewrote the ceremony so it worked for us--no Hebrew, no mention of God, etc. He and his wife (or just him, if you just want a reverend) are super nice and they can work with anyone.
Technically to have a Jewish wedding you don't NEED a rabbi to officiate. We had a VERY Jewish wedding officiated by a family friend (which was totally ok with our conservative rabbi). To have a Jewish wedding you need only to sign a ketubah and exchange rings and consummate the marriage but no rabbi needed for that either :)
If you want to use Hebrew in your ceremony (if you are incorporating the blessing of the wine or the traditional 7 blessings) you can always ask Jewish friends to help with that part. One of our groomsman did the wine and my FIL recited the 7 blessings for us.
We are both Jewish but I am a convert so all of the guests on my side were non-Jews so we found a way to have a traditional Jewish wedding that was very accessible to our non-Jewish guests,
You should be able to find a reform rabbi to officiate - conservative rabbis won't (can't) do it, but reform and reconstructionist will. Just keep looking. Good luck!
ladyox is right - you don't need a rabbi! anyone can do it. you shouldn't have too much trouble finding a reform rabbi to do it though
you can also try rabbirentals if you're not having any luck.
I join in the general sentiment of the PP's. It is totally possible to find a Rabbi to officiate at your wedding, you just have to keep looking. Interfaithfamily.com is a great resource . Another option is to use a Cantor from the synagogue. I had an interfaith Catholic/Jewish ceremony last month, and we used a Cantor, and she was AMAZING. Good luck. =)
If you cannot find a rabbi, look for one at a reconstructionist congregation or even a cantor. Many of them tend to be more liberal.
We go to a gay friendly synagogue here in DC (we're not gay, but we're gay friendly! And...we can walk there from our house). The rabbi said she wouldn't marry interfaith couples, but would happily marry same-sex Jewish couples. Now...I'm not against gay marriage at all, but this proves how open to interpretation all this mumbo jumbo is.
You can find someone...and if you're desperate, the cantor who is officiating our wedding (also did my bat mitzvah) would probably travel.
I am sure you will find a Rabbi out there who will be happy to marry you. Your question was why it is difficult to find one, and the answer is that some have higher standards than others. Standards comparable to those of Catholic priests, if you will.
As 2dbride said earlier, Catholic priests will intermarry a catholic and a non-Catholic provided conditions are met. Could you share these conditions with us, please?
Why shouldn't Rabbi's have conditions, too? Like both parties must be Jewish, or both parties agree that they will bring up their children Jewish? Many do have requirements, and this is why all will not agree to marry non-Jewish people who have no commitment to bringing up children Jewish. Bringing up children in both faiths or celebrating "everything" is not a Jewish upbringing. If the birth of our Lord Jesus the Savior is celebrated, it ain't a Jewish upbringing. Its a Christian upbringing where Old-Testament (Jewish) holidays are also celebrated. Celebrating Christmas and practicing Judaism are mutually exclusive. Just having a tree and not going to Church does not make celebrating Christmas more acceptable, it ignores what Christmas and Christianity is about.
Judaism and Christianity are mutually exclusive faiths. They are not merely cultures like, say, Italian and Chinese that can be blended together without losing anything. Being Jewish is not just about having a chuppah, seven blessings or eating bagels and brisket. Jews do not believe that Jesus was the messiah. He is not their Savior. They do not believe he was the son of God. These are respected Christian beliefs and contrary to Jewish beliefs. That's why you are having trouble finding a Rabbi to marry you, and no Orthodox or Conservative Rabbi will do so.
Here is a link you may find interesting:
http://blog.beliefnet.com/roddreher/2010/07/bad-news-on-interfaith-marriage.html
@popover: you made some good points but I'm not sure the OP was looking for an article telling her that statistically her marriage will fail - she just wants help finding a rabbi!!
We were initially going to have an interfaith wedding (I'm Jewish, he's not) though things have changed a bit...but that being said, I had not too much trouble finding resources...by typing in "interfaith weddings" into google, I was brought to a link that allowed me to get an email of like, 20 or 30 rabbis in my area willing to do interfaith ceremonies. So, basically to reflect everyone else's feedback, it can most definitely be done.
Another thing I want to add...we met with the rabbi of my parents' synagogue (super nice liberal Conservative rabbi) and he recommended a great book...The New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diament. I suggest it to you because it sounds like you want a Jewish focused wedding, and there are parts of the book that specifically speak towards interfaith ceremony...both reasons for why certain ideas may be challenged, but also provide good ways to hold interfaith weddings and incorporate the traditional Jewish elements.
I hope you're able to find someone the two of you are happy with!!!! Whether it be a rabbi or not :)
Another book you might want to check out is called "Celebrating Interfaith Marriages: Creating your Jewish/Christian Ceremony" by Rabbi Devon A. Lerner. I got it on Amazon for like 12 bucks and it was enormously helpful to us in creating a beautiful ceremony. It is a GREAT book, and I have recommended it to many people who have felt the same way about it. Good luck with everything! =)
Well said, Ladyvox.
@Popover- the article you posted- the one that referenced the failure rate of Christian/Jewish marriages- the paper they were citing- was published 17 YEARS AGO!
@Monkeygirl: So which of the two religions have appreciably changed in the last 17 years?
The question was:
Why is it so impossible to get a rabbi to marry us?
Clearly there are plenty of Rabbis who will marry anyone who asks them. I tried to explain why there are others who will refuse on principle.
Can someone please explain what the conditions are to have a Roman Catholic or Greek Orthodox priest marry a couple where one party is Jewish? What about Baptist or Episcopalian?
Also, are the requirements different if you want to be married inside one of these churches?
Neither of the religions has changed. Society, and people's attitudes, have changed. Interfaith marriages are no longer as taboo as they once were. The fact that they are on the rise is proof of this. While popover made many valid points in trying to explain why it may be difficult for the OP to find a rabbi, provding a link to a 17 year old article implying that the OP's marriage is destined to fail, is hardly helpful. Interfaith brides are fully aware of the fragility that exists in interfaith unions. The OP is looking for a rabbi, not a lecture.
@popover
My fiance and his sister have a Jewish mother and were raised Jewish. They went to sunday school and the other traditional rites of passage. Their father never converted to Judaism. They grew up having a Christmas tree because it was important to their father and his side of the family.
Are you saying that my fiance, his sister and his mother are not "real Jews" because there was a Christmas tree in their house and they went to family dinners? Christmas has become a very commercialized holiday... a lot of people do the decorations, much in the same way you would decorate for Halloween or the 4th of July... it sort of is a cultural thing.
Sorry for the threadjack, but just had to get that out there.
FWIW, we are having a rabbi officiate our wedding and I am not Jewish, so keep looking!
@popover: The conditions for a Catholic priest to officiate at the marriage of a Catholic and a nonCatholic are that, "Canon Law today requires that the Catholic parties promise that they will not give up their faith due to the marriage and that they will do 'what is in their power' to share the Catholic faith with their children." It does not require that the nonCatholic convert, or promise that the children will be raised as Catholics. And the Catholic church is actually more strict on this than most religions. Thus, it is simply not true that "clergy of any faith" would refuse to officiate at an interfaith marriage.
@Monkeygirl: So you're ascribing the reason for failure to be due to society's impression of the relationship? By entering into an interfaith marriage, the couple have already shown that they have a propensity towards ignoring that opinion.
The point of the research is that a fundamental disagreement in matters of such a core part of a person as religious belief creates substantial friction in the marriage that tends to lead to a higher failure rate than when the two people agree on that issue. It's common sense, really. When you disagree on any fundamental concept, you're going to have friction.
...implying that the OP's marriage is destined to fail...
I don't think that was implied at all.
Coffeehound, you asked a question and I answered it. Providing a link to an article citing dated statistics about the failure rate of interfaith marriages is not helpful to the OP. Interfaith brides already have additional struggles that other same-faith couples don't have to worry about. It takes just as much energy to be kind as it does to be mean- so how about being supportive, stick to the topic at hand, and leave your own agenda off the boards. Not everything needs to be a debate.
I know you want me to do this back and forth exchange with you, but I've learned in the past that it's an exercise in futility and a complete waste of my time. To the OP, if you need additional info, feel free to PM me, I am more than happy to help you out. :)
This is your warning. You are off topic on this thread. If you want to argue with each other, take it to PM.
There are Rabbi who will marry you, but they may not be as conservative as others... But the Jewish and Christian faiths are not completely separate faiths. There is a religious community which is known as Jews for Jesus or Messianic Jews which are both Jewish and Christian. You might be able to find a Rabbi in this group who could officiate a very traditional Jewish service that you would be comfortable. I don't think that they would have the same objections to intermarriage.
my husband and i (both jewish) were married by a reform rabbi, who also happens to be an extended family member, who wouldn't officiate at my brother and sil's wedding (she's not jewish). my understanding of his "criteria" is that he will officiate an interfaith wedding as long as the couple will be a "jewish family." not that the other person has to convert, but that if/when the couple has children, they will raise them as a jewish family. for example, i have a couple really close friends who identify as jewish but have a non-jewish parent. i think individual rabbis make the decision about officiating on an individual basis, so maybe framing it that way when you talk to rabbis, if that resonates with you, will help?
good luck!
Roman Catholic priests will marry a Catholic to a non-Catholic, or a non-Christian. They can even get married in a non-Catholic ceremony (they can have a Jewish ceremony or a Protestant ceremony) as long as they apply for permission from their local bishop.
Orthodox priests will marry an Orthodox person to a Catholic or Protestant. However they won't marry an Orthodox person and a non-Christian (Jews, Muslims). The non-Orthodox person has to convert, or the Orthodox person loses their standing in the Church.
Episcopalian priests will marry just about anybody as long as they seem to have a healthy relationship.
Individual Baptist churches all have their own rules...
@Lisamr: Shoot, I don't know. I'm a Lutheran woman engaged to a Jewish man. Neither of us plan to convert and we are both happy with those decisions. Our original hope was to have an interfaith wedding co-officiated by a clergy member of each faith.
Starting to look like it's going to be an interfaith wedding officiated by a pastor, because we've contacted every Reform and Reconstructionist rabbi in the Twin Cities and a few in outstate MN, and NONE were willing to perform an interfaith wedding.
Although many rabbis did offer to conduct a Jewish wedding for us despite my non-Jewishness...which is not what we want, but if you are interested in having a Jewish wedding as opposed to an interfaith one, you may have an easier time finding a rabbi.
Interfaithfamily.com is a good resource. They weren't able to help us (not a lot of rabbis PERIOD in Minnesota, not to speak of interfaith-friendly ones), but hopefully if you're getting married in New York they will have some resources for you.
Mazel tov and best of luck to you!
@Missbliss: Most Jews will tell you that Jews for Jesus aren't Jews (though I won't claim to speak for all of us). Once you say you believe that Jesus is the Messiah, you just took a huge step away from Judaism and into Christianity.
But that's off topic, so I digress...
@ladyox: Isn't Judaism also a race? So couldn't a person of a certain race still conceivably be Jewish?
@MightySapphire: Again, speaking only for myself, Judaism is a religion, some would say it's cultural (and it definitely has it's own cultures and traditions) and some argue it's a nationality, but I don't consider it a race since race isn't tied to religion but being a Jew is. I consider race the boxes we mark on the census - caucasian, hispanic, african-american, asian. There aren't boxes for Catholic, Jew, Christian, Muslim...
But yes, people of all races, shapes, sizes, colors, etc can be and are Jewish, but Jews don't believe that Jesus is the Messiah. Period. So Jews for Jesus and Messianic Jews are really just Christians who rely heavily on the teachings of the Old Testament which is the basis for both religions.
@missbliss: I agree that Jews for Jesus and Messianic Jews are not necessarily Jews just because its in their name.
They seem to me to be Christians who are very knowledgeable about and observe the rites of the Old Testament. This is not inconsistent with Christianity. They also believe Jesus was the Messiah, however, which is completely inconsistent with Judaism. Therefore, they seem to me to be Christians that celebrate Jewish holidays and embrace Jewish culture and ceremony.
@kfricke89: A Jewish wedding does not need a Rabbi BUT since it entails being married under the laws given to Moses, both persons need to be members of that nation for it to be a Jewish wedding.
Someone who studied in Rabbinic school can provide something similar and meaningful.
@kitzy: Statistically, the majority of Reform Rabbis will not participate as Clergy in a ceremony where both partners are not Jewish. This might be the case because the Reform establishment is becoming increasingly traditional in their practice.
My Fiance and I are using Rabbi Block http://rabbionthego.com/ his fee is $1000 but sooo worth it. I don't know if he travels to other areas (we are in DC metro). He is super nice and seems to specialize in interfaith weddings.
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I'm Jewish and my fi is not. He is not religious at all neither is his family. He has not gone to church in 15 years. He only celebrates Christmas by having a tree and does nothing for Easter. He does not want to convert which a lot of rabbis want. I am reform but was bought up going to temple, Jewish Camp and went to Israel 2 years ago so I would really like a rabbi and not just a justice of the peace. It is very hard to get a rabbi to marry us because he is not Jewish.