Post # 1
So I don’t normally write posts like this, but I just need to get some feedback. I actually contemplated opening a new account, but I figured I’d just be straight you gals. I want to preface this by saying that I am crazy in love my FI and we have been together for 6 years so we’ve been through a lot together. He really does make me happy and I love spending every second with him! I just feel like we sometimes hit a brick wall and I need to know why he is like this.
I feel like he is light years behind me in terms of goals. I wanted to get married after about 4 years, but he was dragging his feet for some (to this day) unknown reason and didn’t propose until almost a year and a half after that. It was a frustrating time for me (and us), but I knew I wanted to be with him so I tried to be patient while he figured things out.
Now, I am ready to buy a house. Actually I was ready to buy a house last year and bring it up periodically to gauge how he feels. During our last convo he started hemming and hawing about “settling down” and how “permanent” it would be. It’s really disheartening and I’m starting to feel like I am constantly waiting for him to be ready to take the next step with me. I waited to get engaged, I’m waiting to purchase a home with him and I already know that I’m going to have to wait to have kids. (I talk about having kids and he FLIPS out)
I’m so confused. He tells me he wants the same things as me (marriage, house, kids), but he’s not sure when. Oh and for the record, he is going to be 30 in a few months so it’s like we’re young kids and I’m pushing for this. He’s also very successful at work (He works hard and I am so proud of him!) so it’s not a financial issue. I can’t help but feel like I’m putting my life on hold. He always comes around eventually, and it’s so wonderful when he does, but it just takes him so long to finally be “ready” and to commit. Why is he like this? Is there anything I can do? Does anyone else have a FI like this?
Any advice is appreciated!
Post # 3
One of my friends was in a siilar situation. After 8 years I think it was they finally got married. They already had the house though and now they have 2 children. I don’t know what his hold up was because they were/are in love, but some guys feel the need to wait longer. You are not the only one…. I know that is not advice but I hope that helps
Post # 4
@TinyTina: My FI and I are in the same situation however I am the one that doesn’t want to own a home. I am 28 and refuse to be rushed into anything (house/kids etc) because society deems me as “older.” It doesn’t mean I am not committed to both my FI and a future, it just means I don’t want the responsibility of being a home owner currently (and kids perhaps in 5 years).
Look at it this way a mortgage means less money to spend on traveling, food, afterwork activities etc. Perhaps your FI is enjoying life currently as-is with his financial freedoms and isn’t ready to make sacrifices for that next step (yet). Is that a bad thing, not necessarily. As my FI put it, it is better to be honest. Lets say the roles were reversed and you didn’t want kids and he did right away, wouldn’t you be frustrated at the feeling of being forced into a HUGE next step that you weren’t ready for?
All this doesn’t mean he won’t get there (or me for that matter) but we have plenty of time to be adults and meet all those life changing steps that are expected. Instead of fighting over when to take the plunge just enjoy things as they are now and the rest will fall into place naturally. Communicate with him and allow him the opportunity to do so as well and eventually you will find yourselves on the same page.
Post # 5
I don’t know. I am totally that person in my relationship.
For me, the issue is I have a really hard time with change. Luckily, DH is really patient with me and gives me the gentle prodding I need to take the next step.
You’ll be happy to hear that he prodded me enough that we just bought our first home. And I couldn’t be happier.
Having kids is on the table now and I’m pretty honest with him that I need a little time to adjust to the idea. So he’s taking it easy on me.
Just make sure you’re open with each other. Maybe you should ask him what the deal is?
Post # 6
@StormyRose: Thanks… By the time we get married we will have been together 7 years. I am jealous that they had the house already. 😉
@Treejewel19: Thanks for sharing your side. It’s good to know that there are other couples like us. For the record, I don’t want these things because society says I should. I truly, truly want to be a home owner and have children. These are just the things that I want out of life.
Instead of fighting over when to take the plunge just enjoy things as they are now and the rest will fall into place naturally.
I see what you mean about enjoying things as is, but to me renting = throwing good $$ out the window and owning a home means putting $$ toward something you can one day call your own. I’m not enjoying it. LOL And it’s not really falling into place naturally if I am ready and he is not right? Then it’s just me waiting and waiting and waiting until he decides he’s ready.
Lets say the roles were reversed and you didn’t want kids and he did right away, wouldn’t you be frustrated at the feeling of being forced into a HUGE next step that you weren’t ready for?
This is very true though and it is definitely something I need to think about.
Post # 7
@Theresa90405: Haha can I ask how long he had to prod you for??? I feel I have been patient, but after a year of bringing it up to him my patience is beginning to wear out! His main response is that he doesn’t know where he wants to settle down and he doesn’t want to be tied down. I’ve tried to tell him that a home does not have to mean forever and we could purchase something and consider it “a starter home” and think about moving in 5 – 10 years if he is unhappy.
Post # 8
I’m just like you in our relationship! I was ready to get engaged 8 months before he was. I’m about ready for a baby and he wants to wait another year or two (which I know we should). He was actually ready for our house before I was. It sucks though, to feel like I’m constantly waiting for him to get on board. I don’t have any real soluations except that I try to remember that both of us need to be ready 100% before having kids or anything like that.
Post # 9
@Treasure43: Thanks, again.. Good to know I’m not alone. 🙂 Is it as frustrating for you as it is for me?? I just feel like I’m putting my life on hold for no good reason. If he was in school or if we trying to save money for something I would understand, but there is no reason!!
Post # 10
@TinyTina: No problem. Obviously we all move at different speeds and the only way to really come together is through good old communication and compromise.
I will say that in regards to your comment about throwing money away with renting, while that may have applied a few years ago I don’t necessarily agree with you in this current economy. It is touted as the American dream but I see it quickly becoming a nightmare for a large majority. I can’t even begin to count the number of my friends, family, and co-workers that have lost or are in the process of losing their homes meaning hundreds of thousands of dollars down the drain. I understand the pride of ownership but if you both aren’t ready and the conditions aren’t right it is best to wait.
Good luck with it all and I hope it works out to your best interest. 🙂
Post # 11
Ugh, I hear ya! We had been together 5.5 years before getting engaged (and I was ready about a year after we started dating) and for some strange reason, he INSISTS on waiting 3 years from when we got engaged before getting married. However, he gives no reason for it! We have a house, he is very financially secure, and he is in his 40s so it isn’t like he hasn’t lived the single life, oh and we have a child together. Sometimes I think he is dragging his feet just because he can! Stay strong, you love him, just keep reminding yourself of that when he is driving you crazy!
Post # 12
@TinyTina: A home does not mean forever BUT it might be harder to sell if you just want to up and move away. Honestly, I do see his point of view. I am older and now just married and sometimes some parts of me feel like a 23 year old college graduate. Never mind that I am almost a decade removed from that. Sometimes permanence is scary. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but honestly, I had a friend in your same shoes, once she ‘let go and let God’ (something I heard from her), she was able to ‘breathe stretch shake and let it go’ It took 4 years after that but now they are moving from NYC and buying a house.
Post # 13
Taking the next step, whether it be marriage or a house or kids, they are all walking towards being a “real” adult. I say “real” because it’s not about age. It’s about the responsibilities that come with all those steps. A lot of people just aren’t ready to grow up yet.
FI and I have been together 6.5 years and I love the idea of our own house but when I sit down and think about the idea of a mortgage and the upkeep and the taxes, I just get a headache.
Post # 14
@TinyTina: I’m totally “that person” in my relationship, too. Like others said, it’s largely an issue with not feeling comfortable with change. Fiance & I have been dating for 6 years now and, if I’m honest, the idea of marriage still freaks me out. I know that we love each other very much and work well as a team and that this is a great change for me in the long run, but it is still terrifying to someone who agonizes over every major life change as much as I do.
In my mind, the buying a house thing is subsidiary to when to have children. Buying a house has a very negligible financial benefit in this economy, especially if you are thinking you might be moving in 5-10 years. If you & your husband are stable financially, this may be something you want to compromise on if it gives him a greater sense of security to keep your options open as a family.
As for when to start a family, though, that is something you probably want to have a very serious conversation with him about (maybe mediated by a therapist or counselor if you feel that would be more productive). Maybe it would help you to get a clearer sense of when exactly he wants to have kids, since you obviously have some biological timelines in place and may have some personal ones as well. Good luck, and I apologize on behalf of all of us slow-to-change-somewhat-commitment-phobic guys and girls out there!
Post # 15
I just wanted to come back and say thanks for all the advice. I read it all, thought about everything you said and then sat with FI and had a really, really good talk. I realized I was letting these feelings build up and I was becoming more and more impatient, and I started to make myself think that we would be stuck in this renting rut forever. (Can ya tell I hate renting?? 😉 ) We both explained our sides and I think we’ve reached a compromise.
Time for me to find some more patience and “Let go and let God” as @bRooklynRocks: friend said. 😉