Why is my husband masturbating in the shower and not trying to have sex with me?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

hollar at your girl, I feel you.

I donnow, *hugs* But it sucks to be the one always innitiating. I know.

Post # 4
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@newbride1589:  Maybe there is just something about the way he does it himself that is better/different than the way you do it for him.

 

So what I would do is: walk in on him, wearing sexy lingerie or nothing at all, and tell him to show you exactly what he wants. Whether that means you watching him, mutually masturbating together, or you doing it for him as he “instructs” you. He may be really turned on by the spontinuity and you giving him the opportunity to open up about exactly what he wants.

 

If something like that doesn’t work there may be deeper issues and maybe try sex therapy? Or regular couples therapy?

Post # 5
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@newbride1589:  I have the same issue as you! When I try to come onto him, I get nowhere. If he comes onto me, he has a massive stiffy. I’m not sure how to get in on the action.

Maybe you and I need to work on our timing and technique. Like a PP stated, tell him to show you what he wants. Maybe he is best in the morningtime. Is that when you initiate? I like evening so I initiate in the evening but he likes morning and is more responsive then.

Hang in there, communicate and then please, tell me what the stupid secret is already!!!

Post # 8
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

I think you need to first try to understand that for some people, masturbation is not something you do necessarily to replace sex, and certainly not to avoid it. Sometimes he might really just want a very quick release, without the theatrics of lingerie, sucking his tummy in/flexing his pecs, mutual orgasms, and trying to last an “acceptable” number of minutes. Maybe he’s in the shower, he happens to get a slight stiffy, and decides to take care of it quickly so that he can go back to the rest of his day without boner-on-the-brain.

Just playing devil’s advocate – I have no idea why your husband does what he does, but it is a possibility.

Post # 9
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

These things are probably unrelated. My hubby masturbates once a day regardless of whether we had sex or not. If your husband is the same, it is probably about destressing and relaxing more than anything sexual. You say the sex is good, so I assume that he he has no trouble orgasming when you two are together. I know it sounds unsexy but maybe you could start healing this divide by scheduling sex a few times a week so that it aliviates the pressure for him to initiate. Sounds like he may have a hangup and could benifit from counciling.

Post # 10
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I had an ex who did this. It could be for any number of reasons, but the fact that he’s a modest person implies to me that it really isn’t you and you should try not to take it personally. One thing you might try to do is avoid putting pressure on him about it for a little while. If he starts to equate sex with stress and fighting, the problem could unfortunately get worse. I realize that might seem counterintuitive, but I know in my case everything I did to try to “fix” it just ended up straining things more. Luckilhey your husband seems genuinely concerned about your feelings, so hopefully he will get the hint and take some initiative on his own. 

Post # 11
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@newbride1589:  This sounds like something you should seek help with from a counsellor.  It might feel demoralizing to need that so early in your marriage, but getting the proper help you both need to deal with this early on will be much healthier than letting it become a bigger and bigger issue.

Post # 14
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  

Its not you fault

You are gorgeous and sexy and amazing – it’s not because of that

Its not because he doesn’t find you sexually attractive

Its not because you aren’t ‘doing’ something right

Please, please, please, –  read those over and over until you believe them. – Now I’ll get down to business. There are a ocuple reason this could be happening but regardless of what they are – you are doing the right thing by telling him how it makes you feel. I might find a way to do it in a ‘less attacking’ way – but I am not so sure you were doing it that way to start with.

Reasons he might be doing this – he might be more used to his hand then he is with an actual woman. This is a real thing. I dated a guy for a long time and he had this issue. For the longest time he would only be able to ‘finish’ or even get started for that matter if he was using his hands. It took a lot of practice and a lot of communication and a lot of urging him to ‘keep going’ till he was able to finish without manual help.

Another reason is that maybe sex is something he isn’t so sure of as a way to satisfy the ‘type’ of urge he is having. I know some men just like to masturbate. They don’t rather it over having sex but sometimes they just get the urge and want to do it. If this is the case let him know that this is ok – as long as he is making it a point to satisfy you phhysically as well.

There are more but a lot of the bees covered them – the biggest thing to remember is that you are not doing anything wrong – and that you guys need to keep an open and honest conversation going about this till you feel liek it is resolved.

…but I feel you. I have been the ‘initiator’ for 4 years +. It has gotten old. So much so that I don’t bother if I am not really in the mood. We have talked about it and he just isn’t as physically needy as I am – so I have found other ways to satisfy the urge when I need to. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you guys are able to work it out.

Post # 15
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@newbride1589:

I agree with Duncan.  I think getting help and fixing this asap is the best idea.  While yes it could be because you two are recently married and are still trying to figure this life out I think therapy would solve this issue.  This might not be an issue that you two can fix by yourselves.

Edit: I can understand him not wanting to wake you up.  I hate waking my fiance up just to tell him he’s taking over the whole bed and I’m half way off of the bed.

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