Post # 1
he quit his job a year ago and has not made ant effort to get another job. he does not send applications but lies to me that he is making an effort. am now tired of footing the bills. is he wanting to make me suffer or what? are men not supposed to be working or earning an income? how can i even love him now when am tired of bills? are there other women who have husbands who depend on him. currently he is looking after our two children for the last one month since the housegirl left, but i would be enthuastic to look for another if am assured that he will get a job and help in paying bills. Men, how can you help such a person before i get burnouts.?
Post # 3
You def need to sit down, when there are no distractions, and have a serious talk!
Post # 4
@jessy201080: Definitely need to have a sit down – uninterrupted – with him and explain all of this. Have the kids go to a sleep over or something, cause this convo might take a while.
Recently, I was laid off, and my Fiance has been amazing. While it definitely hasn’t been a year, and I have been desperately looking to get a job, he gave me the idea to set goals for myself every day. It makes me kind of feel accomplished when I complete them. Sometimes they are stupid (increase the distance of running) and sometimes they are serious (create 5 new networking connections). I know you have kids, but this may be a good way to put a little fire under his rear.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
My being unemployed for a significant period of time followed by my being significantly underemployed really damaged my first marriage. Don’t put off this conversation another day longer. Send the kids to a friend’s house or grandma’s tonight and get it done. It’s not going to be nice but the sooner you have the covnersation the better. I am sure somewhere in there he is upset with himself about being unemployed so I wouldn’t beat up on him too much. Maybe some encouragement would help as well.
The longer he remains unemployed, the more difficult it will be for him to get a job. A recently released study showed that persons unemployed for more than 6 months get less than 1% of call backs for interviews. So he might want to take something, anything (even if it’s not necessarily what he wants to do) immediately because some recent job history will assist him in getting a job he may actually want.
Post # 6
@beachbride1216: I agree. It is always easier to find a job when you have one. Even if he had to “lower” himself to working at McDonalds, he would have a job on his resume. Businesses look for job history. If they see that he’d at least trying to find work wherever he can, they will know that he’s serious about getting a job.
I find it hard (maybe wrongfully so I’m not sure) to find sympathy for people who say they cannot find work, when there is always something. I findthat these people are always looking for their dream job instead of something that contributes to the bills. Making minumum wage is much better than sitting on your ass making nothing, always.
Post # 7
I don’t think I’d put up with that unless it worked for both of you that he did childcare. And if that’s the case, he can probably take on other people’s kids as well and have a paying job doing childcare for others.
While I think non-traditional arrangements of gender/working can work out for people, I do think that both partners have to have motivation and drive. His lying shows you that he is not motivated and has no drive to better himself. If he was really trying to DO something – work on a master’s degree, write a book, start a home business or something I can see being OK with him not working a traditional job. But if there’s no drive and ambition there? Definitely not OK.
Post # 8
To answer your question…he’s not eager to get a job because it’s much easier to sit on his ass and do nothing. The majority of people in the world don’t like to work, it’s work, therefore most of the time it’s not fun and a lot of people would rather stay home and do nothing or be able to do “whatever they want” as opposed to going to work.
You need to sit down and tell him how you feel! You need to tell him this isn’t acceptable. Honestly, if he still acts like an unmotivated loser after hearing how much stress this is causing you…I would leave.
Post # 9
@IzzyBear: +1 This. Pretty much exactly. No one wants to work. I sure as heck dont! But I drag my butt out of bed 6 days a week because we need money and I’m an adult.
Post # 10
@jessy201080: This is a problem. Not only is he being lazy, but he’s lying to you and taking advantage of you. I would have laid his ass out 11 months ago! And you had a “housegirl” for the majority of that time too? What!? So it’s not like he was a full time stay at home dad? Is he keeping the house clean? If he’s been sitting on his ass for the last year doing dick, and has no intentions other than to keep doing dick… I would NOT tolerate it.
You really need to have a serious conversation with him because this is unacceptable.
Post # 11
@jessy201080: My Darling Husband doesn’t work and doesn’t feel the need to. I’m with ya on being tired of bills and relying on myself to make ends meet. Honestly my only advice to you is 1) sit him down and tell him how you feel 2) make him feel the heat.
This month I told Darling Husband that if he doesn’t find a job by next month we will not make rent (we will) but he doesn’t know that. I said if we don’t make rent then we move to my parents. It’s put a little fire under his ass.
Post # 12
I see you are from Kenya, are there any cultural implications that we might be unaware of? If you did not hire a housegirl would he do the work of that person 100% maybe that can be a deal, until he has another job you’re not hiring anyone to take care of the children or do the housework.
Post # 13
@Americano: AM HAPPY THE HOUSEGIRL IS BACK. i have been doing all other work apart from babysitting during work day. so i come back home and starting working evening works. i am now prepared to tell him the grace period is over . better he gets a job first or i look for a transfer far from him.
Post # 14
@IzzyBear: +1 if you haven’t sat down and talked to him about this issue you’re allowing him to be this way and you’re accepting it.
I’ve been in this situation before with an ex. We lived together and I was paying for everything. We didn’t break up at the time but I did move back in with my parents and told him if he got a job and took some financial responsibility I would consider moving back in with him…well it never happened.
I would never do this again! It is way too stressful.
Post # 15
@jessy201080: I think a lot of the women on this board would not be happy about it if their spouse referred to their stay at home mom duties as “babysitting,” so without knowing more details of your situation it is hard for me to say what I think. What is a housegirl – what is her job, exactly? Is she a full time nanny and housekeeper? Does your husband take care of the house and yard and do the shopping and cook meals?
Post # 16
Men can be househusbands or stay-at-home dads in the same way that women can be housewives or stay-at-home moms. It sounds like he’d like to do that. However, that’s a decision a couple needs to make together.