Post # 1
There have been a couple of threads, one of mine included, where brides have argued that the OP has was being unreasonable in their feelings. Everyone has their own opinions, I guess, but I’m curious as to why its unreasonable to be angry/disappointed by people who were no-shows or didn’t bring a gift.
I know etiquette states that bringing a gift to a wedding is not required, but in the United States, it is certainly customary. Etiquette also states there should be inner and outer envelopes in your invitations, but more and more brides are bypassing this tradition. So what’s the difference between your grandma being upset about the one envelope and the bride being upset that someone didn’t bring a card or gift to the wedding? Should the lack of card or gift ruin a friendship…nope…but I think it can be noted. The argument might be that people may not be able to afford a gift or card…well, why not get a piece of paper and pen, and write the couple a quick note?!? How easy would that be?
And no-shows…well why RSVP yes, and then not show-up. It is plain rude, except for unavoidable circumstances. Yes, the bride and groom, may not notice that you’re not there, but what happens when 10 other people think the same way you do. Say the bride and groom pays $50 per plate, at 10 no-shows, that’s $500 wasted. How fair is that? $500 dollars is alot of money to people just starting their lives off.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes these feelings aren’t controllable. People have let you down and you feel disappointed and angry. Why is it not ok? Why in the grand scheme of things this shouldn’t be a big deal? Wedding dresses are a huuuuuge deal – its a dress that you wear one day.
Post # 3
I’m on your side. Both of those things are irritating.
Post # 4
I never understood why its not okay to be disappointed. i was when i saw some of my guest didn’t give us even a card! especially my cousin! i was very surprised to see that it is unacceptable to even be a little upset. but people have their own opinions i guess! the trick is to state our opinions if they are different in a nice not rude way.
Post # 5
Yeah both are irritating. Particularly the second.
I think sometimes the gift issue is either they’re young and don’t know, or embarrassed that they can’t afford something nice. I know I fretted and worried once when we literally had NOTHING to give so we got a nice card and that was it. It was silly, but I was all worried my friend would be angry!
Post # 6
I’m with you, as well. I’m an encore bride, and at my previous wedding we had 6 people RSVP yes, and not show up. At $150 per plate, this was $900 wasted! And none of them had a reason, or sent a gift. Thanks, guys!! Ugh. So annoying.
Post # 7
I’m still irritated by some no shows. To me that is legitimate, because that is something that (barring emergencies) most people can easily control. Not bringing gifts on the other hand I feel differently about because some people have already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding, or just might not have very much. So I think that is a little different.
Post # 8
While I agree that it’s okay to be upset at both of these things, they are also two different things.
1) No-shows when you RSVPd yes is rude, unless there are serious extenuating circumstances (although you should really try hard to contact the bride or someone to let them know that you aren’t going to make it as soon as you can).
2) Being disappointed that you didn’t get a gift is natural, but wanting to contact people to ask them WHY they didn’t get you a gift is greedy. Think about it: if you had someone come to you and say, “You showed up at my wedding but didn’t get me anything?!” wouldn’t you be offended?
Post # 9
@vorpalette: I’m with you on point #2, but I also don’t think its wrong to keep it in the back of your mind that the person didn’t get you a gift. When its their turn to get married, I would get them something small, but I wouldn’t spend a ton of money on them.
Post # 10
I was disappointed, I admit it. Something like 25-30% of our guests didn’t bring a card or gift. I see marriage as this huge life changing event, so I can’t imagine not bringing someone even a 99 cent card to celebrate it. It’s totally ok (and probably natural) to be disappointed, no matter what anyone claims. :p I would never go ask these people about it though – it’s not my place. I also don’t think it’s ok to hold a grudge. Momentary disappointment, sure, but I got on with my life.
We also lost about $900 (food, drinks, chairs, centerpieces, cupcakes, etc) on no-shows that RSVP’d yes and then didn’t show up. Only 2 came to us afterwards or called beforehand. Never heard from the rest, thanks guys! That was a LOT of money wasted, and I wish I hadn’t been so naive about no-shows and adusted my numbers accordingly. I wasn’t disappointed, I was flat out pissed off at the amount of money we lost!
Post # 11
I don’t think no-shows are acceptable, and I haven’t seen where anyone on here would say so (unless there was an emergency).
Post # 12
I agree. I think it’s perfectly okay to feel angry or disappointed. Especially when at most grocery stores they have either a fifty or ninety-nine cent card rack. You’re certainly not going broke to buy that card. I don’t expect gifts, but I think a quick note wishing the couple well is something I expect. And not showing up, but RSVPing yes is just plain rude & a waste of money. Obviously if there is some sort of emergency it’s a different story, but most of the time that’s not the case.
Post # 13
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being disappointed if you don’t get a gift. I do think it’s rude, however, to then go around calling your guests lame and asking advice for how to contact these people and either point out that they didn’t give a gift or ask where the gift was. There are some exceptions like if you know 100% that somebody got you a gift but it never arrived, but for the most part I think it’s something that should just be let go. Be disappointed, sure, but move on – don’t dwell on it or call people out. I’ve gone to a wedding before where I didn’t bring a gift because we literally could not afford one…even getting a card would have been a stretch.
Post # 14
Its fine to be disappointed – that’s a feeling that you can’t help. I would be upset/angry if someone RSVP’d yes and then did not show without a darn good reason. As for the gifts, well I’d be less upset about that. Maybe a bit disappointed. I certainly wouldn’t ask. I’m inviting people with zero expectations. If we get gifts, great. I mostly just want them to come. I’d be pretty sad if they didn’t show after saying they would.
Post # 15
Being hurt or disappointed is ok. Acting like a child about it is not. This is one of those times in life where you have to put on your big girl pants and be a grown up. Disappointments happen, and you have to learn to deal with them gracefully.
As for the no-show people, well they are being rude (unless there is a legitimate situation that comes up) but it’s not ok to be rude back to them.
Post # 16
@MrsMeNow: My circumstance was a little different…I was particularly angry with a no-show to my bridal shower. It might have not cost $100 per plate, but it did cost something per plate. The person confirmed her attendance 4 days prior to my event, and then just didn’t show up. I felt hurt, and people basically told me I was taking it too seriously. Regardless of the event, it is still rude to not show up after RSVPing “yes.”