Why is the title of marriage so touchy?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
51 posts
Worker bee

Your SO is right. You do need to talk about it! You need to be open and honest with your feelings, which in my opinion is far more important than striving to be a “patient and loving waiting bee.” There is a difference between nagging him with pressure and being honest with him about what you want for your future. Speak with him. Tell him what you want. He has already told you that he will listen.  

Post # 4
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Why would he feel any urgency if you’re already being a happy little housewife? Tell him that all talk of buying a house is off until you are AT LEAST engaged. 

Post # 5
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MountainWolf:  I agree.

   Why do you keep saying it isn’t your place to talk about marriage? If it isn’t your place, than whose place is it? Your SO is not a mind reader, you should be discussing your desires for the future. It is unfair to expect your SO to know your feelings if you don’t express them.

ETA: It is unfair to you as well! Don’t disadvantage yourself by not talking about it.




Post # 6
1060 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Follydust321:  +1

I have a friend in a similar situation, and her BF is friends with my DH. One night duting a double date my friend had a little too much to drink and all her emotions started to come out. The biggest revelation came from him. He said something along the lines of ‘we are so happy, and are practically married already I never really thought about it, why mess with a good thing?’. 

My point is, you definitely need to talk with him about your feelings and expectations of this relationship. I think us females in general expect our men to just ‘know’ (the typical “you should know why im mad!” Lol) when reallu they need it to be spelled out for them.

 Try and set aside some time to seriously talk about it, when you have time to dedicate to the conversation, not right before going to work or going to bed.

Post # 7
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lalalyanne:  you said : “and I said again that it wasn’t mine to really talk about”…

Are you serious? It is YOUR life too, you have half of that decision to make, why in the world should you not be talking about it?? 

Yes, by all means, talk about it, let him know your timeline, he can tell you his, you can make a compromise, tell him why you want to get married, the legal aspect that will protect what you guys have together, the symbolism, anything that is in your mind! There are two people in there. You are one of them! It is half! So you are every bit as important as him! 

Post # 8
1080 posts
Bumble bee

A lot of girls don’t want to talk about marriage because they’re afraid of ‘ruining’ the proposal. They think that their guy won’t want to talk about marriage because the guy has his proposal in the works and talking about it means it won’t be a surprise etc etc.

But some guys don’t have the proposal in the works. Some guys do need to have ‘the chat’. Is it romantic? No. Would you have asked for it this way? Probably not. But a lot of romantic, unexpected, out of the blue proposals tend to happen when a guy’s in the honeymoon phase – not when he’s ‘settled’ and thinking about buying a house.

Technically, you already feel like his wife. Which is why he isn’t thinking about it – because a lot of guys have a “aint broke don’t fix it” attitude.

Don’t worry about not pressuring him. Why are you worried about that? He wants to buy a house with you – and have kids with you. Why is getting married any more pressure??

I read an article once about a girl who told her guy she wanted to be engaged by the end of the year – he proposed on New Years Eve. Afterwards he joked that if she’d have said “married by September” he’d have proposed on August 31st.


Post # 9
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think it’s silly when women are expected to just be quiet about marriage and hope the guy figures it out. That’s old news. It’s our life too! It’s perfectly reasonable to talk to your SO about the fact that you want to get married, and that you want to get married before a house and babies. Obviously you don’t want to do the nagging “when will you propose” dance, but you can certainly discuss your expectations and desires.

You know he wants a future with you. Good, that’s one hurdle. Maybe he’s just initimidated by the wedding aspect? My SO was all about the future talk (which he knows includes marriage) but glossed over the actual wedding. I pointed this out to him, that it seemed like he just doesn’t want to deal with the wedding part, and he agreed. I’m sure he would just go elope with me if I asked, but I would like a wedding and I know our families would like a wedding. Maybe your guy is having similar issues? Weddings aren’t very manly events, and yes many men are excited, but there are also those who are more interested in the marriage than the actual wedding.

Post # 10
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Why are you buying a house with him and discussing children if you’re not married?  I suggest telling him that kids are contingent on getting married first.  There are a lot of legal and financial reasons why this makes sense.  Plus he has no incentive to get married if he already has everything he wants.


And why would you consider sharing your life with someone if you can’t share your opinions / thoughts / hopes / dreams with him?  He’s not a mind reader.  You need to speak up about this.  I disagree completely that it’s solely on him to bring it up, especially if you’re bothered by it.


Post # 11
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

It’s touchy because it is huge and a big deal. It is a public declaration of commitment. It is viewed as final. A lot of guys dont see why they should bother until they have it spelleyour to them why it is important to you. You are 50% of this relationship. You should be able to say what you think. 

Post # 12
2666 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

“Honey, I know we’ve talked about marriage before, and I’ve had a hard time sharing my feelings because I’m a little scared that you actually don’t want to ever marry me. But I need you to know that it’s a huge deal to me, and I won’t feel fully secure until we’re engaged/married. That doesn’t mean I need a big, expensive ring — in fact, I did a little looking around and found a few rings I love that are only $xx — but it does mean I need to know that you are totally committed to our relationship and our future. Can we please talk about this? Can you tell me how you feel? I really need to know.”

And you need to think about what you would do if he says yeah, actually, I never want to get married, I just figured we’d live together and have babies.

Post # 13
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m going to go against the grain here, my husband (then SO) and I looked for our first home before he formally proposed, we lived together for 4 years before that, and we talked about marrige during that time; but, we were in no rush because we were both sure this was the person we wanted to be with forever.  He proposed to me a week before we closed on our home.

Post # 15
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

lalalyanne I just wanted to say how much I completely get you. Or maybe I totally didn’t but I felt like I did. and this is whyt…I know why you feel you are ‘not supposed to talk about it’. It feels like we shouldn’t have to spell.it.out. It feels like millions of women are getting proposed to every day completely out of the blue. It’s like…guys have all these traditional values and goals (children, home ownership etc) but skip over the marriage part. Then we in turn focus on it and spend time wondering why why why is it not happening for me. We start to obsess over it, perhaps because it’s the one thing we don’t feel we have complete control over. I know in my life it was so fascinating because I felt like I am 100% in charge and in control over everything but I could not for the life of me bring myself to propose to SO. It had to be him proposing to me. And how is the feminism in that? It is really really hard.

I was waiting and waiting for what felt like an eternity. Pretty much about 2 years in to the relationship I knew I wanted to marry him. I was going over and over the hypothetical of the ultimatum and swinging between that and the honest and good thing to do which is ‘I am sorry, but I need to be with someone who wants to marry me and so I am leaving’. All the while feeling like ‘you can’t talk about it’ ‘you can’t be seen to be pressuring him’. It was insane and exasperating and hopeless and sad. And I had told him my time line. I was very clear. We talked about my need to be married before babies, that I did not want to be an older mum, that I was ready any time now. I told him I wanted to marry him. He had a risk-free proposal when he was ready. But still, alas, I waited.

So, a couple of things. Those unnamed, unknown women out there who are getting proposed to out of the blue…I am sure at least half of them had been nagging the s*&% out of their partners and basically forcing them to propose. Second, it’s true: if you haven’t already, you do actually need to say to your partner what you want. You need to set out ‘marriage is not negotiable for me’ or words to that effect. And then you need to give him some time. I told myself ‘you can give it one more year’ and if nothing happens then it’s decision-making time. Luckily he came in at 13 months. I believe it would have been 11 months had it not been for an unforeseen delay by the jeweller.

It will happen because he wants you forever and that is abundantly clear. It sucks but I believe some of us have to spell it out. Good luck xx

Post # 16
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@ElbieKay:  +1,000,000

Take it from a married woman. Don’t move in with a man until you have a ring on your finger, a wedding date, and a deposit on a wedding venue. You will save yourself a lot of pain and heartache. Don’t give men all the benefits of marriage without that commitment from them, and don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re cool with it.

@Andyboots: You’re absolutely right. Men need a push. It’s not a bad thing to give it to them.

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