Why is wanting to wait a few years to get married so hard to believe?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I can’t speak for your mother, but in my opinion, engagement signifies complete readiness to be married, not a separate stage wherein you become ready. If you feel that you need to be older, more financially secure, and further along in your education prior to marriage (and I agree that you do), then put off engagement until you have met these goals. 

I’ve just never understood the purpose of long engagements. Either you are ready for marriage (emotionally/mentally/financially) and so become engaged, or you continue dating. Honestly, the girls that get so excited for engagement with no plans to marry in the near future confuse me. What exactly is the point?

Post # 4
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you’re making a very smart, mature decision to wait to get married.

Like PP, at this point in my life, I don’t understand the need to get engaged if you aren’t ready to get married immediately. But, I’m sure those individuals have their own reasons for getting engaged but waiting for marriage and they have the right to do so.  I think it makes more sense than getting married while still in college.

Post # 5
Member
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

You’re 20. Why on earth would you rush into marriage (at someone else’s behest) when you want to finish your education? Get engaged whenever you please and get married whenever you please. Have as long of an engagement as you want! FI and I agreed that we wanted to marry one another approximately 5 years ago. We didn’t put a ring on it until a year ago and won’t be getting married for another six months. Why? Because education was/is our priority. Good luck! And remember, only your and your FI can decide when the time is right for each step.

Post # 6
Member
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@AvaAdore:  I had been with my FI for 6 years before we got engaged. We will have had a 20 month engagement. Why? Because we can’t afford it yet. Do we love each other? Yes… Are we totally committed to each other?… Yes… Why not get engaged? Some people are not ready the moment they get engaged get married the next day. Some need time to save. Or finish school. It really isn’t anyone’s place to pass judgment on anyone’s relationship or pace.

Post # 7
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

Its too bad that you and your mother dont see eye to eye on such a big subject. But the big thing that stands out to me is that your SO went to talk to her about proposing soon and it doesnt sound like that would be ok with you, maybe you two should sit down and get on the same page? And maybe he could talk to his mother about how she is making you feel.

Post # 8
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Why does it always end up that way?? My fiance’ and I waited two years before even planning our wedding and we got so much crap for it. However it was the BEST decision we ever made. I got through school and got my degree, a bad-a$$ job and he is one semester away from the same thing. We were able to live frugally and save our money for a small wedding, an awesome honeymoon and a hefty savings account so we can focus on the fun stuff about being newlyweds. YOUR WEDDING, girlfriend 🙂

Post # 9
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@FutureMrsRatliff:  Wait until you graduate. Believe me, save yourself the stress. Get engaged in college and have your wedding the summer or fall following. I know lots of other girls that did this. They sure did make the rest of us jealous with their early engagements, but none got married in college. I think it would be WAY too stressful and demanding to plan a wedding while getting a bachelors. Just my 2 cents

Post # 10
msjackrabbitMember
1080 posts
Bumble bee

I think if a guy proposes out of the blue and you sit down to plan the wedding only to find that it’s going to take you a few years to save for what you want (or something similar to that) then I totally get the long engagement – because you’re actively planning a wedding that is going to take part at a later date.

Mutually deciding that you’ll both be ready to get married in a few years, but getting engaged now? I honestely don’t understand that.

I guess I think of engagement as ‘actively planning a wedding’, not ‘that next step in a relationship that is more committed than dating, but less than being married’. which I see a lot of. I think it’s weird.

Post # 11
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@AvaAdore:  Sometimes circumstances change during engagements. FI and I just got engaged with the intention of getting married next May… but now our wedding is no where in the foreseeable future do to circumstances that are out of our hands. “What is the point?” The point is to tell everyone that you are marrying this person and you are more committed to them than just bf/gf. How long it takes to actually make it down the aisle shouldn’t matter at all. I think it’s crass of you to think that there is no point to a long engagement. Things come up, life happens, people get sick, people die.

Post # 12
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@FutureMrsRatliff:  I think you’re being mature and responsible by waiting, especially since part of that is waiting to get your four year degrees.  I see where his mom is coming from in that an engagement usually means a wedding is imminent and being currently planned out within the next year or two.  But at the end of the day, you and your FI need to do what is best for your relationship and if that involves a long engagement then do it.

We’re having a 2 year engagement and we loved it.  It gave us time to enjoy being engaged, prepare for marriage, save for the wedding, and plan our wedding with less stress.

Post # 13
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@AvaAdore:  Hello.  Long engagement girl here.  I’ll tell you why at least we’re waiting.

LONG DISTANCE.

It’s a logistics thing.  We want to get married.  We really do.  And we have full intentions of getting married.  We have a formal agreement to get married.  We’re emotionally, mentally, and roughly financially ready.  (We just graduated undergraduate college, so it’s not like we’re rolling in the dough, but we have paychecks and savings, so that’s a plus.)

But there’s a catch.  We live in different towns right now.  Different states, actually.  And it’s important to us that we live together after we get married.  We think that’s a big part of being married- actually living together, acting like a married couple.

So trust me.  There are reasons.  That’s just one of them.  And I don’t want to sound that bitter, but if that doesn’t work for someone…  Well, it’s our relationship anyways.

 

 

@FutureMrsRatliff:  You sound like you have a solid, good plan.  I agree with wanting to wait.  If you want to get engaged, get engaged!  It’s just a formal way of saying you’re going to get married.  In my opinion, that’s a large step above dating.  (You’re basically saying to the world you’re done with other guys, he’s the one!)  Have as long (or as short) of an engagement as you want, and ignore the naysayers who claim it’s weird or unnatural.

Post # 14
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@FutureMrsRatliff:  Wow yeah I think you are right. Sorry that that happened to you! You have very good reasons for waiting. The two of you are in a great financial position anyways… what if getting married somehow messed that up? Who knows! 

I am having a two year engagement, closing in on the first year. It has been awesome! We are really enjoying being engaged! It has given us time to grow into being engaged together and talk about our plans for the future and how they fit together without the pressure of a wedding. And now it’s time to really get into the planning! I hope you two get to enjoy your engagement too! It is such a fun time with so much growth!

Post # 15
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

@AvaAdore:  There’s also a group of people who are so excited to be engaged and declare their love, the guy doesn’t really think beyond “I have to purchase her a baller e-ring” and not “oh shit I have to pay for a wedding and honeymoon.” People in college are going to school full time and MAYBE working part time jobs. How do you expect them to pay for a wedding? Additionally, if they know they want to marry each other, what does it matter to you or anyone else if they get engaged their sophomore year, plan for 2 years during their hectic coursework, and get married after graduation? Either way they get married. What does the end date matter? 

It’s very judgemental of you to think that each engagement has an hourglass and when the sand runs out then there’s no point of a wedding.

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