Post # 1
Hello Bees! I came across this site when I googled, “I’m ready, he’s not. Now what?” My SO and I have been dating for almost 3 years now (it’ll be 3 years on Sept. 23) and we talk about marriage but he keeps saying he’s just not ready, yet. I want to wait for him but I don’t know how long I should wait. He wants to move in together this fall, but I’m a little hesitant because I don’t want him to think pretending to be married is good enough. What do I do?
Post # 3
How old are you and how old is he?
Post # 4
If you don’t want to move in together, you don’t have to. You can even tell him why. But a lot of people (and perhaps your SO is included in this) wouldn’t even consider getting married without knowing what it’s like to live together first.
Also, I don’t know how old you are but men take time to mature. Even my late 30-something friend refuses to settle down, he says he is not ready and too young. As such there have been many girlfriends come and go.
Post # 5
If you don’t want to move in without being married, DON’T. It’s a personal rule that I have, and I don’t regret it. Everyone has their own rules; while something may work for me doesn’t mean it will work for someone else.
I would have a frank discussion about the future with him. He probably doesn’t know you feel this way. Men aren’t mind readers, and if you’ve never talked to him about the future, you’ll just worry and fret because you’ll assume.
Talk and you’ll feel better. If his timeline is way off from yours, see if you can compromise. If not, you need to think about what you really want.
Post # 6
I don’t think you should move in without a definite timeline, and a timeline that you are ok with. “Playing house” is not any fun when you want a serious commitment.
Post # 7
My boyfriend and I moved in together first (we built a house) got a dog and were together for 3yrs when he popped the question on our third anniversary – he felt 3years was a good number and didnt want to rush into everything – he wanted to wait until we had money for a wedding and he had money for a ring. The more ppl ask men when are you going to put a ring on it the less likely they will and the longer they will put it off for. Guys don’t usually like being pressured or being told what to do.
Marriage is a huge committment and can be expensive even if you have a small wedding so maybe he needs to get some other things sorted first – maybe he wanted to travel before getting married or get a new car. My guy was saving for a house first and then he was ready to save for a ring once that was completed I guess.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema
My man know that I won’t move in until we’re engaged and agrees it’s a good idea. That way we will get to live together before marriage but I’ll be secure that things will actually be moving forward and we won’t just be playing house with me waiting for more commitment 🙂
Post # 9
@ItsJustMeLo: What an odd conincidence; My 3 year anniversary is on September 23 as well! 🙂
At least your able to move out together. Have you voiced the concerns about moving out yet to your SO? I had a similar feeling where I didnt want to wake up next to him everyday during the engagement and then get married and the next day literally feel like nothing changed from the day previous. But, my SO was quick to say that if we moved out he’d propose within 2 months, so its possible that he wouldn’t want to bide his time living together and that he has a plan as well if you do move in with him.
(We still haven’t moved out together) But, I’m just trying to give you a different outlook on it, other then ‘Playing house’. I’m traditional like that though, that I wouldn’t want to move in without an engagement. Has he given you a timeline? Maybe he’ll propose on your anniv. My SO and I recently talked about my feeling on engagements before moving out and moving out without an engagment and he calmly agreed to wait until he could propose first instead of rushing in. He also gave me a timeline. His reaction was Like ok, sounds fair and I respect your feelings and hesitation on it.
The right guy will respect your hesitation/rules/feelings on the situation and be adaptab;e. I would have a calm talk with your SO. Good luck 🙂 I’ll keep checking the thread.
Post # 10
My FI and I moved in together after 2 years and he proposed after 3.5, and that was after knowing one another for 6 years.
If he isn’t ready, he isn’t ready. It could be any number of reasons–why don’t you ask him why he isn’t ready?
Post # 11
I “played house” with my SO for the first 3 years of our relationship. and it was WONDERFUL. I know this may not be the norm but that time we had in that HORRIBLE apartment lead the way to where we are now. We both weren’t financially stable at all. but at that time I was going to school and working. Once I granduated and found my financial stability we were able to upgrade and live in our awesome apartment together. We have been really LIVING together for 1.5 years now and we are talking about engagement. I believe I will have a ring on my finger in 6-7 months. we have been together for almost 5 years now. Some things just take time.
While the thought of “Playing House” may leave a sour taste in some people’s mouth. It brings a smile to mine. I couldn’t talk about marraige with someone without living with them first. But that’s just me. And some things take time.
Post # 12
I know how you feel “I’m just not ready” what a big bold statement. My bf told me this back in March and I just couldn’t figure it out. After 2 yrs together (at that time) we were financially ready, we had a great relationship, everything was in place so I could not/still cannot understand this statement at all. I’ve asked him to no avail. He tells me now he does feel differently than he did back in March but I have no idea why, not much has changed are still doing great… its just been more of the same. Maybe hes wrapped his head around the idea of marriage , maybe he’s finally started to seriously think about it who knows.
I still however feel strongly about not moving in together before marriage. If you dont want to then don’t. Part of me feels like marriage will really represent a unity to me when we get married and buy a house, move in together our lives will really officially come together doing it any other way is not for me. Everyone thinks differently about it thats just the way I feel, I can only really suggest to think it through before making a decision!
Post # 13
@Sapphire-Dreamer: it’s great to hear that it’s not only me who LOVES “playing house” and finds it amazing.
but, of course, a lot of people will say “pretending to be married is not a good idea”.
to OP: have you tried to talk to your bf about how you feel?
Post # 14
“Pretending to be married is not a good idea”. Bleh. How am I supposed to jump into a lifelong commitment with someone and am expected to live with you forever without “trying out the merchandise”. He’s supposed to be my husband! The one I have for life…Even Vacuum cleaners come with a 90 day guarantee. If you are not 100% satisfied then just send it back for a full refund!
Do you get my line of thinking?
But then there comes a time where you look at your Vacuum and say “You suck pretty good. I think I shall keep you.” Then you kiss the Vacuum and it turns into a Prince….
Post # 15
@Sapphire-Dreamer: the vacuum theory is great 🙂 i should write it down in case someone tells me that sucky thing again.
Post # 16
@ItsJustMeLo: Don’t move in if you don’t feel comfortable. I made the mistake of moving in with a guy.. I was young, stupid, and in love, and I figured that this meant our relationship was getting serious. It wasn’t.
You have to make sure you’re on the same page.
I do live with my current boyfriend, but before we moved in together we discussed marriage. We’re both on the same page with it… we will get married.
I think that age is definitely a factor… if you told me that you’re 20 and he’s 21 or something then I’d say ok, maybe he really does need more time to figure this out, but in reality if you’re older than that then after 3 years he should know if he wants to be with you or not.
Moving in together really is a slippery slope. On one hand, in some ways it is good to see how you function as a household, but especially if you know that marriage isn’t in the cards for a while, it does hurt to feel used (why buy the cow if the milk is free? etc.). I don’t think you necessarily need to live together before marriage to know if it’ll work or not, though. The promise of marriage was enough for me this time, but we had some very serious conversations about it, with timelines. He’s also older than me, has money for ring etc… so I know I am not just being jerked around with empty promises.
Sorry for the long response but I guess to sum it up, you need to do what feels right and you need some collateral before moving in. I want to say that if he’s ready to move in with you, he’s ready for marriage, but I realize it can be a bit more complicated than that.