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I'm not trying to stir the pot or cause trouble. This question comes from a place of academic curiosity.
For everyone who is getting frustrated while waiting for their SO to propose, would you ever consider proposing to him (or her) instead? Why or why not?
I'm not waiting by any means, but I've wondered the same thing myself. Why does it have to be the man with a ring and a big surprise? Why not something low-key, or something you cooked up yourself? I would totally have proposed to FH if he hadn't done it.
I wouldn't propose to him because he feels like it's "his thing" to do. Besides, I want him to propose when he is 100% ready. I want to get engaged, but he feels too young ( I completely understand this because we are young) so I'm waiting until he feels like it's right.
My SO isn't very traditional, but I do know that the proposal is something that he wants to do himself. We have a friend who proposed to her now husband and when he heard of this he told me that if I proposed to him he would say no because "the man proposes to the woman." Also over the past month he has been planning our proposal and I know that he is having a great time doing so and I would never want to take that away from him.
If I may add to the discussion...
I'm not waiting but is one of the reaons you're not proposing to him because you've always 'dreamed' of the moment when the love of you life would ask you to be his/her wife?
I think this is why I could never propose. I've always wanted the 'cinderella' story. And yes, I've done my waiting...and I'm glad I did.
My FH's wedding band has shipped and should be here today or tomorrow and I was teasing him saying I was going to give him the proposal I always wanted.
When I was waiting, I didn't propose myself for two reasons. First, FI and I are both fairly traditional. I knew we would both end up disappointed if I proposed. Second, and more important, for awhile I knew that I was ready, and he wasn't quite. I wanted to know that he felt ready by the time he asked. If I asked, that would put him on the spot, and possibly make him answer prematurely.
It really depends on what kind of boyfriend you have, most guys would not appreciate that at all. but Some guys would love to be proposed to. My guy is traditional and would have died if i proposed to him.
While we were in the "waiting" stage, I mentioned once as a joke that I was going to give up and propose to him.
He looked horrified. LOL. I asked him what the difference was, and he admitted that he thought it was weird, and always imagined him getting on one knee and asking me.
I wouldn't have really done it, but even if I would have, I wouldn't want to take that away from him.
On another note, honestly - - I wouldn't have done it because if he hadn't proposed to me, there would have been a reason he hadn't yet. Maybe he wasn't ready, etc. I would have always wondered if he was "forced" into saying yes.
I would not have proposed to FI for a few reasons (even though there were times in our 6 1/2 yr relationship that I was ready to):
1) I wanted a traditional proposal. I wanted him to ask my dad's permission (which he did) and get down on one knee (which he did)
2) I wanted him to be ready. He'd often said that before he met me, he was sure he never wanted to get married. He knew it was important to me, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He just needed to come to terms with the fact that HE was actually getting married.
I was ready way before him, I did not ever seriously consider proposing to him because I didn't want to have to feel like I "forced him" into marying me. I knew that when he asked me, it'd be because he was really ready to be married.
Our culture is very potent about who does the asking and I think a lot of women have powerful dreams about what it's like to be asked and they really do want to live the dream. I can totally understand that.
Now, I am all feminist femme and thought that I could totally propose to any guy.
Then I realized what a big responsibility it is. When you envision yourself having to do it, you understand how proactive a decision it is and how definitive you have to be about the other person. I'm not saying that ISN'T true for brides, but it's different having to be the one to do the asking than to be the one to say yes or no.
Could I have asked? Sure--I'm the right kind of girl and my man is the right kind of guy--but I think deep deep down, I was a bit chicken and didn't want the responsibility. It took us 8 years to get our acts together, but I think in the end, we were both on the same page when the proposal finally happened.
I wouldn't have proposed for two big reasons.
#1- Most guys (mine included) were excited about the proposal. It was "his thing" and he would have been suuuper disappointed if I took that away from him.
#2- the status quo is that guys propose. guys know this. this means (to me) that if he has not proposed, he is not ready. Because if he was ready, he'd do it. I'd worry I was pushing him into something he was unready for.
I sort of commandeered the search for a ring (I found one when I was shopping with my mom, and brought FI back later and he agreed to it), so I felt like I should let him do the 'official' proposal on his own.
We talked a lot about it before we even bought the ring, and I was always the one who held out on marriage. When I decided I was ready, I told FI, and that got the ball rolling. So I guess I unofficially proposed, lol.
I'm not waiting, but I wouldn't have proposed. I guess I'm traditional like that. For me, it's his job.
I agree with you. In my opinion, I'd want to be proposed to. A lot of men want to be able to take care of their g/f's or wives. Getting down on one knee kind of supports that for them. It's a sense of pride I guess.
What if I proposed to HIM? Well, what if he said 'yes'? That's great and all... But how would I know if he said 'yes' because he'd feel bad saying 'no' to me and was afraid of hurting my feelings? I would never know if he really wanted to marry me. Guys don't like making women cry. I know that it breaks J's heart when I cry because he's told me this. If a man really wanted to get married, then he'd propose. It's just the way it's always been: The man asks the father for permission to take care of his daughter for the rest of her life, and then, proposes. I'm not saying that THAT'S the way it has to be. If a girl wants to propose, that's fantastic!! Shake it up a bit and go for it! But I think she has to be VERY VERY confident that he'll say 'yes', and make sure he's cool with it before hand.
Gwen.
Similar to previous posters, my guy is excited about it and told me that my reaction to it would be worth as much as the ring itself to him. I feel like taking it into my own hands would take away from 'how he asked' story.
I once proposed to my boyfriend with a ring that I made. We got a good laugh out of it, but then he said that he really wanted to be the one who proposed and that it was something he's always looked forward to doing. He didn't want that taken away from him. He still keeps the ring I gave him on his desk though :)
I have thought about this but I know he would be a little sad if I did it. It is "his thing"--in fact, in his words, "the only thing that I really have total say of in the whole process," so I would not want to take that away from him. He WANTS to plan a nice proposal, and I would love it if he did. I also want to make sure I am not forciing him (even though he said he wants to do it)--I just don't want to feel like he is doing it only because I want to. I think he would be sad if I took the moment away from him. He has said that he wants me to have a cool story to tell my girl friends about how he proposed.
On the contrary, I am thinking that if he doesn't do it by our 5th anniversary next spring that I am going to tell him that he has a month or 2 to propose or I am going to do it to him! So hopefully he will do it before then, but I am not afraid to do it if he waits too much longer!!!
@stephinPA: Honestly, yes, I want to look back and have fond memories of when he asked me to be his wife. I know and he knows that I want to marry him and be with him forever, and it would be nice for him to profess his love to me and show me that he wants the same thing!! (even though I already know that he wants it, too!)
On top of all of that, I think he might be embarrassed if I did it, since he is the "guy" and that's the "guy's thing to do". He might get flak from his friends/brothers if he didn't do it. I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
It's the man's job. I mean, I know there are the feminist out there who say do it, but not in our relationship. We play traditional roles and it works for us. I feel in the end that it would emasculate him.
I think that idea is great for people who don't care about tradition and have guys who would be cool with it. For my situation, just the thought of proposing makes me laugh, and he'd also laugh in my face, and it would be the family joke for centuries to come... not in a good way. We both come from very traditional families, and I think men like mine take pride in things that are traditionally a man's role. I wouldn't ever want to steal that from him.
I wouldn't mind proposing to him but he would be seriously upset if I did. He is very traditional and it was hard for him to even let me be a part of the ring shopping experience. I think it would make him feel emasculated if I proposed and took what he truly feels is something he has the right to do, not me.
I told him I would, he told me he would say no because it's "his job".
I would have done it, but it was really important to my FI that he get the opportunity to. And I don't feel like I was ever indefinitely waiting like some girls do. We had a timeline, and since he asked me to pick out the ring, I was pretty involved.
Why not propose to him:
Initially it was because of tradition and wanting him to demonstrate his commitment. Now he is working on it and planning a proposal, and has been for A WHILE. I feel like I would be taking that chance away from him. The proposal is coming a lot slower than I would like, but I don't think it would be fair if I proposed now. Also I want an engagement ring!! and would I still get one if I proposed to him?
I would have been fine proposing to my BF. I'm of the opinion that marriage isn't something that one person asks and another person answers. It's a decision that two adults come to regarding their future. I'd have been fine if either of us brought it up, we discussed it, and the other agreed and that was the end of it.
That might just be the kind of girl I am though. I also don't really want a wedding either--it seems like a huge expense, and I'm not really into people staring at me. (I admit though that it seems nice to gather friends and family and celebrate the start of a new family. Just the whole traditional hoopla is kind of out there for me.)
But I know that my guy is pretty traditional, added to the fact that I was ready to get married first and he isn't. I floated the idea once of me proposing and he was totally against it. He said it's something the guy gets to do.
Plus, when he asks that's how I'll know he's ready and that he didn't feel pressured into saying yes because I asked.
If I did tell him I was going to propose to him, it would be more as a threat but not something I would actually want to do. I think we are both very traditional and for me to say that to him would just to be to light a fire under his booty!
No, I never would. For a host of reasons.
1. He’s said to me before, “It’s the one tiny bit of control I have and once I do it, I’ll never have control of anything again.” He was joking but in a way, it’s very true.
2. SO and I met when I was his boss at work. I’ve always earned more than he has, I’m older, have more education, own our home, and am generally the head of our household. He’s okay with that and eventually he’ll probably make more than me and have a higher degree. But really, me proposing would just emasculate him and while he’s comfortable with our switched gender roles, he’s still a guy and if I bought my own ring he would feel degraded.
3. I was ready WAY before he was. I wouldn’t want to propose knowing that I was the only one ready.
4. We’re not traditional people in most ways, but this is one of those traditions that I think is really very sweet. Men take longer to grow up so when they reach the point where they want to make you their wife, it’s like they’re finally ready to be a grown up and to make a life with you.
5. I told him once that I didn’t care if I had to work, if I had to buy our homes, our cars, etc. but that I would not buy my own ring and I would not do the proposing. I can’t go back on that now!
I'm not waiting, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't want him to propose to me, and I didn't want to propose to him. Neither matches the way we make our decisions and the kind of couple we want to be.
We "just decided." We'd actually known for a couple of years when we planned to get married, so we figured out the ideal time to get engaged. A few months beforehand, he asked me if I wanted him to propose and I said no. (he'd figured that'd be the answer, but wanted to check.) I am so happy we did that - the idea of waiting for a surprise that he plans, and he chooses the timing for really bothers me for some reason. I know it's exciting and fun for a lot of people, but I don't like the position it would have put me in.
FWIW, we are not very traditional especially about stuff like this.
I agree with Corgi Tales.
I also didn't want to propose to him, because there were other things in the relationship that I compromised on, that I wasn't 100% happy with. I refused to give in on this one thing that was very important with me. I think the feeling I would get about proposing would be the same feeling as skipping the whole wedding idea and just getting legally married to save for a house or a car. Logically it makes sense and there is nothing wrong with it, but it is just something I can't do.
In a way, we kind of are proposing when we tell our SO's that we want to marry them. But I never would have actually proposed to my DH, we're both old fashioned and it would have been really weird for us. I would honestly sooner leave him than propose to him.
hubs and I knew long before he proposed that we would one day get married, and I was fine with that. I didn't NEED to get married, I knew that if we were to have kids it wouldn't be until our 30s anyway, so we had plenty of time. Honestly, he proposed to me well before I thought it would happen. I had no idea he was looking at rings, and brought it with him on our first vacation together. Honestly, we had mutually agreed that we were going to get married, so really any time after that point was good for us. It was still about 2 years after that fact that we did get engaged. I guess I just assumed that he would do the asking when he was good and ready, since he wanted to be able to buy the ring and be sure he could afford it first. There was no pressure from me, so maybe that had something to do with him asking sooner than I had imagined. Long story short, in answer to your question, we mutually agreed we were going to get married, but he still wanted to be the one who asked. However, I would have had no problem proposing to him had he taken too long!
I voted ABSOLUTELY NOT! I'm waiting and I will continue to wait before I propose. Just my opinion. I'm not against women who do it but that's just not my thing. I want my "knight in shining armour" to ask for my hand. Plus my BF would say No if I did so anyway. Just because he is totally into the planning and proposal surprise. He would think I was crazy. He said he's been waiting to do this all his life. So I'm excited to see what he comes up with.
But hey if your guy doesn't mind then go for it!
I'm just repeating what a lot of bees said already but... here it is.
I was once a waiting bee on these boards, patiently waiting for my FI to propose. And yes, that question was sometimes asked of me by other posters. Now that we're engaged I still stand by my original comments.
FI and I dated for 5 years... I was ready to get married after 4 years and we talked about getting married ad nauseum.
So to answer this part of Sloth's question: For everyone who is getting frustrated while waiting for their SO to propose, would you ever consider proposing to him (or her) instead? Why or why not?
I was one of those girls who was frustrated while waiting. And yet, my FI had made it known to me that the proposal was important to him. Personally, I could care less. There were many times that I thought about proposing to him just so we could get on with it! And yet, I respect my FI and his want/need/whatever to be traditional and to propose to me. And so yes, I was frustrated and impatient, but in the end it was more important for me to wait for him to have this special moment than to rush a proposal simply because I was impatient.
Oh and in response to Statutory Grape: Why does it have to be the man with a ring and a big surprise? Why not something low-key, or something you cooked up yourself?
My proposal wasn't a big surpise and it was actually VERY low-key. I wasn't waiting for a proposal because I was looking for some big Cinderella moment. I didn't propose to him because he wanted to cook up the low-key moment and be the one to ask me to marry him.
And eventually he did. Yes, it took him a year longer than I wanted to, and sure, I could have proposed and I'm sure he would have yes.... but I knew that this moment was important to him and if that's how he wanted to do it, I wasn't going to take that away from him.
I waited 3.5 years for him to propose. We lived together for about 7 of those months. I knew that we were on the marriage track, but had to keep myself from thinking, "tonight is the night" for 1.5 years. I just kept reminding myself that all I have to do is say yes, he has to save up, pick out and purchase a ring, plan the proposal and execute. I looked at is as the man equivalent of the wedding, but with 100% mind reading what your partner wants. Imagine how much more stressful it would have been if I started giving hints or ultmatiums or how embarrassed he would have been if I did it for him (not all would be embarrassed, but I'm marrying an alpha male). In return for my patience, I got the most unbelievable and ideal (for me) proposal and a gorgeos ring (that was much more generous than i would have picked out if I was involved).
I'll give you three reasons the above suggestion is a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, really, really, really, really... bad idea!!!!
1. While we fully understand and accept that you may carry our man parts in your purse... YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR THEM!
2. There are a couple old school (long-standing) traditions you just don't mess with... and ladies, this is one of them!
3. That moment; those couple seconds after he opens the box, places the ring on your finger... YOU DESERVE THAT MOMENT!
Mr. Coffee
Oh, also, I agree that it's 'their thing.' Kind of like our thing is walking down the aisle. They don't get to do that, you know? That's our thing, our moment and I think we all look forward to it A LOT. Can you imagine if he wanted you stand up front and him walk down the aisle? No no. Some things are better left as is. His moment is the proposal. Our moment is walking down the aisle. I'm not prepared to give up my moment, he shouldn't have to give up his.
I was thinking about it and toying with the idea of doing it on New Years, looking at rings etc. when he surprised me by proposing on Halloween.
But, if I'd ever said "honey, I'm ready to get married" I would have considered that to be a proposal. And if he'd ever said "what do you think about getting married, do you want to?" I would have considered that a proposal. I would have been sad that the proposal was so gutless but it would have been okay. I wouldn't bring up marriage if I wasn't willing to ask the question straight out and I'm very impressed that he did it that way, no hinting around, no knowing the answer ahead of time.
And if either of the above had happened there is no way there would have been an "official proposal". I'm just very baffled by the artificiality of it and would never go through a kabuki like that. I'm glad women who want that get that and men who want that get that without the woman laughing at him but that would never have worked for us.
I'm a straight up unashamed feminist so I would never have been so serious with a man that would say "no" when he did want to marry me but thought it was "his job". Any man dating me would suspect that such a "no" would mean we weren't getting married period because I sure wouldn't say "yes" when he asked for a very very long while.
Also, he walked down the aisle with his parents, as per the Jewish tradition. :)
And yeah... wouldn't marry a man who thought I carried his parts in a purse...
Wait...I'm not allowed to "wear man parts"? Could you explain what that means? Am I not allowed to, like, earn more than my husband or be the one to change a flat tire or fix a broken sink?
Maybe this is a tradition that ladies are not supposed to "mess with," but my husband and I sure did. We came to it together because we're a team like that. I don't keep his man parts in my purse and he doesn't require me to hold back and wait for him to do stuff. Guess I'm not a lady.
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