- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I am curious on why people EXPECT their parents to contribute $$$ to their wedding and are upset when they cannot or won't contribute $$$?
I guess in some families it's traditional or more of a cultural thing.
My grand parents paid for my parents' wedding, so if my parents had zero interest in helping with mine it would seem kind of "unfair" (I only say this because I know my folks are doing fine financially).
And I hope to do the same for my kids one day if I can...
I did expect my parents to contribute money to our wedding, but that was because it had already been discussed before I got engaged. They and I both knew they would be paying for the majority of the wedding. We talked about it and they gave me a budget and we went from there. I stayed under budget but it wasnt that hard either because they gave me a great number to work with, which was around the amount that I thought they would.
I think for me at least, growing up, it was "tradition" for the brides family to pay for the wedding and maybe thats what others think as well. Granted its not necessarity the norm anymore but its the idea thats pushed upon people.
We've always intended to pay for our own wedding. I'm an only child and my FI is the first out of him and his sister to get married. We haven't asked our parents for help, and they haven't offerend anything yet. We're putting aside savings each month not only for the wedding, but our future house, car, and retirement. Because we want to pay for everything in cash, this is why our engagement will be almost 2 years long.
we didn't expect our parents, they offered, and we offered in return to pay for 50% so that their portions were only 25% each.
i'm not sure it's that ppl expect it, but it's kind of a mix between culture/tradition/and wedding "norm" ... anything to make it easier right? ppl can only hope, but i guess during planning time the worst comes out of everyone in the midst of stress.
i am sure most of the hive here appreciates what they do get... the only times i've seen complaints on here are when parents are not contributing yet demanding rights to guests/decisions/etc.
or if they've contributed to a sibling, etc.
Personally I don't think you ever really know someones finances. Unless you're handling them yourself.
My mom gave us some money to help pay for our wedding and my In-laws offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We're paying for the rest. I think it's sweet for people to offer to help if they can but I don't expect them to in any way. I think it's kind of rude to EXPECT them to help out.
We're already married but finally planning the big wedding. We were in the middle of planning it in 06 but then found out we were pregnant with our son. So of course we wanted to wait.
Does anyone really expect that anymore? Maybe hope and want their parents to help but expecting it seems a little odd to me (unless their have been older siblings or conversations that set a expectation)
No clue. As an adult, if you are old enough to get married in the first place, you are old enough to be responsible on your own for all the expenses of a wedding. If people are old enough to get married, they have been on their own awhile and parents don't pay their other living expenses for them. A wedding is a luxury that parents are never obligated to finance. But unfortunately alot of folks feel they are entitled to others paying for it for them. Why is anyone's guess. If you can't afford to pay for it yourself, figure out what you can afford and skip the rest or save until you can afford your dream wedding. Alot of folks have no grasp of the concept that all you need is a minister, a licence and two witnesses. Plus, you don't have to serve anything beyond dessert and coffee to have a legitimate reception as long as everyone is treated the same and courteously.
We didn't expect our parents to pay for anything. My mother offered to pay for my dress and for the guests that she is insisting we invite (who we barely know) and his parents are going to give us some money, but we didn't expect it at all. We planned on paying for the whole thing ourselves.
I think that a lot of people expect it because historically it was traditional for the parents to pay and a lot of parents DO still pay. I didn't expect mine to, but if I had gotten married earlier before they had helped me out with school I guess maybe I would have assumed they'd help with the wedding (For the record-- they did offer a sum to us to help with the wedding which was VERY unexpected and I'm very grateful for it!)
I think the expectation comes from tradition. We personally planned to pay for everything ourselves, but Mom wanted to pay for half. Eventually that didn't become very practical because of the economy and I don't want my parents going into any more debt than they're already in.
My Mom offered to pay for half because she and my Dad had paid for a portion (maybe all I don't know I was pretty young) of my sister's wedding. Why they paid for that I think was because she wanted to, but Mom is very generous.
With the economy being what it is, we've paid for everything and half of what Mom wanted to pay for originally (I just ask Dad what they paid and put half of that in their bank account).
I think a lot of times it is because the parents expect a large wedding so they can invite a lot of relatives and their own friends, or expect a more formal event.
Like others have said, it's expected bc that is traditionally what has been done...The bride's parents pay for the wedding (not saying this is right or fair, just what's traditional for a wedding...)
But I will say, it seems like a lot of posters are borderline snarky about people whose parents are contributing some or the bulk of wedding contributions and for the most part, I don't think it's irrational to expect one's parents to help with the wedding, regardless of how independent financially you are. It's a big family even for most people and usually when one has a child, especially a daughter, a college fund and a wedding fund are things that are commonly set up when the child is young.
Both of our parents offered and were adamant that we not spend any of our savings on the wedding (that didn't really pan out, us not spending anything but it was a sweet thought on their part!)
I expected my parents to pay for the wedding because they set that expectation themselves. Growing up, they talked about saving for my wedding. We watched "Father of the Bride" and laughed about poor George Banks going to the poor farm. When Lambster and I got serious, they talked about needing to dip into the wedding fund soon. I never thought, "Oh, I deserve for my parents to pay for my wedding." When I got engaged, one of the first things my parents did was start talking about budgets. My parents were really happy to pay for the wedding. Lambster's parents unexpectedly contributed also. We didn't ask either set, but both set of parents really wanted certain items or traditions. In our case, it was our parents who set the expectation, not us.
Hm I don't know. In my situation, it was more the opposite....my parents EXPECTED to contribute to/pay for the wedding. In their generation, it was traditional for the bride's family to pay for it, so they have actually been a little uncomfortable at times dealing with the fact that my in-laws, as well and my FI and I, are contributing as well.
I think that it's a cultural thing that we've set up for ourselves. I personally didn't expect my parents to help, but they did offer, and we accepted. We talked about what they would pay for, and we picked up everything else. I never had a thought that his parents would give us anything either. But, when we watch some of the wedding shows where parents are giving their kids tens of thousands of dollars towards their weddings, kids sometimes come to expect it.
I didn't expect my parents to pay for anything. We had planned to pay for the wedding ourselves, which would have meant a very casual cheap wedding or an elopement to Vegas, since we have no money. I would have been fine with that (and probably would have been happier...) but my parents wanted a more "traditional" wedding, so they gave us some money to make that happen.
Like Lamb, I also expected my parent's to pay for the wedding. I don't feel entitled to the money or feel like they should or have a duty to do so or feel like it's a bad thing to expect. But when I was growing up, it was always discussed as something my parents would do. Had they changed their minds and said that they did not want to pay, my FI and would be planning a very different wedding. And that would be fine, even if I would have been disappointed at first. The parents in my family have all paid for their kids weddings, so it is just the norm for us. I think the difference that should be stressed is between expectation and entitlement. To me, those are very different things. Expectation is not a bad thing.
EDIT: I would also like to add that I am incredibly, incredibly grateful for my parents' generosity.
i also had no expectation for parents to pay for the wedding. my fiance and i are committed to funding it ourselves.
Just as other posters have said, I think it's a traditional thing. I never brought up to my parents what they were going to contribute - I think that's rude - but my parents brought it up to me because THEY expected to pay for it. Same with my FILs - we had intended to pay for the rehearsal dinner ourselves but FILs said no they wanted to pay for it. I think it's just as much a tradition for the parents as it is for those getting married. Ours offered to contribute and for that we are incredibly grateful and try to show them that we are in every way we can.
My problem is more with people who expect money from their parents, when no contribution has been offered. I get tired of reading posts where girls are asking how to ask their parents for money because they haven't been offered any, or wondering how to ask their in laws for money because their own parents are contributing but the in laws haven't offered.
From my perspective, if your parents have offered to pay for all or a portion of your wedding, great, you're lucky and that's fine if you choose to accept their help. But I don't understand girls who have parents who are not offering to pay, and they can't understand why or they're angry about it. Life isn't fair, and if you're grown up enough to get married, you have to be able to accept that you may have to pay yourself to get what you want.
my parents paid for my brother's wedding, so i assumed they'd pay for mine too. my dad's all about things not always being fair, just because they don't always have the same amount of money that they might have for my brother's wedding, so i didn't expect it to be the same amount. but i would have been upset if they didn't help in any way.
I agree with Trailmix. It's normal, somewhat traditional and not a strange thing to expect of your parents. I also agree that some people on here are downright snarky about brides whose parents are contributing or footing the entire bill and I think that is ridiculous.
Honestly, FI and I could afford to throw ourselves a nice wedding. We could have saved for the 1.5 years we were engaged and thrown a very nice event with all the works. But we never would have done that, even if our parents didn't offer to help out. Having a big wedding is nice, but not worth eating up all our savings for the future (in our opinion). We would have done a civil ceremony followed by a nice steak dinner with our parents, maybe hired a photographer.
@gcwest--I guess I don't see the problem in asking for financial help if the parents haven't offered. Throwing a fit if parents say no is certainly not the best course of action, but being upset seems understandable to me. I think it's still a cultural...notion, I guess...that the parents of the bride will help pay, at least it is where I am from. Like Miss Trailmix and others have pointed out, weddings are huge family events and many times parents have expectations about who should be invited and how the events should play out. Especially when parents have such expectations, in my opinion, it's fine to ask.
I didn't expect my parents to contribute, but they really expected to! I think my mom is a little freaked out that I don't want some grand wedding.
She said they would pay for my dress, but when my dress only costs $295, she now wants to pay for my photographer and catering too. Haha. My poor mom. I am an only child, and she always wants me to have the best of everything. She just doesn't get that I am happy with my quirky, fun, casual plans.
My Step-Dad has turned out to be the one most concerned with saving for the wedding. He always wanted a daughter, and now he wants to finance all my "wedding dreams"...haha. It's cute.
It's tradition in my family and growing up it was always understood that college and wedding were expenses my parents felt it was their responsibility to pay for. They are traditional in that way and would feel much worse if they didn't pay. My dad is a finance guy so saving is something he knows how to do and when he had a daughter, wedding fund and college fund were things he set up and gradually contributed to over the years.
FILs have also been incredibly generous because FI is their first child to get married and they have no daughters. FMIL especially wants to be a part of the wedding because she's just so excited to finally have another female around to hang out with! These days it's not as common as the "old days" for the bride's family to pay for the wedding but I think it's funny (funny odd, not funny ha-ha) that there's a huge snark-factor on the boards when it comes to brides whose parents are paying.
I didn't "expect" it, but I knew they were going to help at least a little, because they paid for part of my sister's. My dad surprised me by going in with my grandfather and paying for my dress in full. I don't think my mom will be paying anything even though she was the one talking about how much they were going to give us. Basically FI and I are budgeting for it ourselves and whatever gets contributed gets contributed.
Also, some people fail to realize that whoever pays gets the final decision. But yet alot of folks who say they expect others to pay for the wedding for them get very upset when they don't get the final say in the planning decisions that are made. That's a classic case of 'you can't have your cake and eat it too'. If someone doesn't want their parents to pay, they need to say something toward the beginning of the planning before it escalates into something completely out of anyone's control.
I expected my parents to not only throw a very lavish affair, but also to pick up the whole bill.
While some of you say it's rude to expect that, I don't believe that is true at all. I grew up knowing that the day I got married, we would have a big blow out and that my Dad would pay the whole bill.
If my family had financial problems, I wouldn't expect them to pay for anything, but growing up with a constant reminder from my mother of the kind of wedding I would have once I got engaged, I did come to expect not only them to pay for all of it (other than the rehearsal dinner), but for it to be something pretty great.
I don’t know, I never expected my parents to pay for my wedding, or even really, to contribute to it. The only savings ($ they saved for my use, I mean) growing up was for college, and possibly help with a house down-payment. Not a wedding. But I think that’s just how my parents are: they are more than happy to help finance “necessary” things, like college and $ for rent/food while I was in school, any health care costs, but I’ve always had to pay for my cars/clothes/fun things since I was a teenager (within reason, of course, they did give me $ here and there, but I’ve bought every car I’ve owned, major purchases were on me, etc.). I also personally don’t feel comfortable asking for money for a wedding.
My mom did pay for ½ the cost of my dress, which was unexpected, and very sweet. She also is helping to pay for some of the costs of our STD/Invitations, as she is an artist and can barter her services with the invitations people, and can order all the envelopes and paper wholesale.
The thought of them contributing never crossed my mnd. They gave me a grand and i was SHOCKED! I am thankful but definitely went into this thinking we were doing it ourselves.
I expected some money from my parents because they paid for my sister's wedding(s) (they paid for part of her second one but it was a much smaller affair so not as expensive!). I agree with many others that it is mostly due to tradition.
Eh, tradition? Maybe? Or if they'd had other siblings that they'd help contribute money for?
I didn't expect money from my parents for our wedding...i've always known how they felt about weddings, particularly large ones, and how they would prefer not to spend their money on one considering my side has a small family and DH's family is much bigger. Plus, my dad's money can come with strings and after all these horror stories i read, I didn't wanna go there!
But that's no different than the fact that I "expected" my parents to pay for me to go to college. That was something I knew ahead of time, much like what Mrs. Louboutin said. There was no "ifs, ands, or buts" about it--they were paying for it.
I think because, often times, parents have specific ideas of how THEY want the wedding to be. If they want the wedding to be some huge lavish affair with all THEIR family and friends, and people whom you've probably never met before, then they should be helping to pay for that.
If a couple is doing a wedding completely their own way and inviting who they want, then I think it is their responsibility to pay.
Mostly, its just tradition, their parents paid for their wedding, and so on... if you come from a family where your parents had to pay for their own wedding, then they probaby aren't used to this idea of parents paying, and would probably expect you to pay for your own wedding also.
These days, I think most people try to pay for their own weddings, but it is nice to get help from your family if they are having influence on the type of wedding.
I agree tradition, but I didn't expect anyone to pay for ours, we have a 3k budget at that, and so far 3 people have helped in one way or another. one was a deposit for the location, my dress, and then my shoes, so yay for those 3 people who helped. although i do not find it alright that my MIL said she wouldn't help pay for things because they have no money and then go out and buy a new patio set, yes, totally broke. I have learned that everyone has a different opinion on the meaning of broke. mine is having 1.71 in my bank accout, I think that is outright rude of her, but thats fine, just shows a lot about her to me. i was like ok you don't need to give us money, but if you would still like to help make our day special maybe you could help with your time, and she was just like well we'll see. hooray for her claws....
@ Ember78 and gcwest: well said.
I think its nice if parents, etc offer to help out with the wedding, I see no problem with that, my question was gear more towards for those who get upset because the parents don't contribute due to financial or any other reason.
i think for me because on the one side i am my moms only daughter, and the oldest of my dad and step mom, and they know that N and i don't have savings (we're still in university, granted i'll be done when we get married)
that being said, yes we can wait until there's savings, but we both come from conservative, Christian communities where we believe you shouldn't live together or have sex or any of that shebang until you're married, so my parents and his are both fully on board getting married when i graduate. i think they realized that if we didn't, we'd end up having to do something drastic or else... well, it wouldn't be pretty.
edit: i would also have to say that both my families stopped 'supporting' me when i turned 16. sure they paid for my food and housing, but anything else was mine, including shampoo, clothes, etc. they had no savings for my schooling, so at this point they've kind of made it clear that because they realize i could support myself they're willing to help me out with the bigger things.
I wouldn't be mad if my parents didn't help pay for part of our wedding, but I'm sure glad they offered! 
Most of my friends' weddings have been paid for by their parents and it was just expected because of tradition. I definitely try as hard as I can to keep costs as low as possible, and I am inviting only my dearest friends (no co-workers, obligatory invites, etc); I do not treat it as a wild shopping-spree. If our parents were unable to pay for our wedding, we would happily scrape together a small elopement and be done with it (to be honest the big wedding is really for our families, and we don't mind an excuse to party!) I hope to pay for my children's weddings one day to keep the tradition going.
we still paid for most of our wedding, but my parents usually give all their daughters the equal stuff (college $, etc.) and I knew they'd given my sister some $$
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| rachgirl82 | 36 |
| kate02121 | 12 |
| ndreighton | 11 |
| pengoala | 10 |
| louiseW | 10 |
| Lyndzo | 9 |
| Indecisivebride2012 | 9 |
| msdragon | 9 |
| ozpeony | 8 |
| Miss Mochaccino | 7 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Rivendeler | 1 |
| rivierabridal | 1 |
