Post # 1
Please help! I’m in a very happy relationship and we’ve been talking about marriage for a while now. I’ve been asked to get my ring finger measured and together we’ve picked a ring; our anniversary is coming up and he did mention once that he would propose on a special date. That’s all obviously amazing for us as a couple, but we were talking about our future and how long we would be engaged for before the big day and he came out with “oh about 5 years” !!! We’re saving for a house deposit and he said he would want to have a house bought before we got married. I’m sort of thinking what’s the point in getting engaged if he has no immediate intentions to marry me? Am I being silly?
Post # 2
SillyLittleGirl: If you aren’t happy with that answer then you need to say something. It’s a huge financial decision to purchase a house together before being engaged or married. 5 years is a crazy long time to be engaged. Your SO and you need to have a conversation on expectations.. good luck!
Post # 3
Depends what kind of waiting you prefer. Engaged and waiting to set a wedding date or simply waiting for an engagement.
Post # 4
My fiance and I are getting married and than purchasing a house together. I told my fiance off the bat that if we got engaged I wanted to be engaged to be married not to be engaged just to be engaged. You should talk to your so fiance about it.
Post # 5
I would also say something. I would encourage you guys to also look deeper into the process of getting approved for a mortgage – my FI and I were ready to buy a home, but found that it will actually be easier once we are married.
Post # 6
You’re not being silly at all.
If you don’t want to be engaged for five years or own a house with a guy for years without being married, tell him A.S.A.P, and don’t taking anymore steps toward buying a house with him. Don’t even entertain talk of buying a house.
Personally, I wouldn’t say “Yes” to a proposal if the wedding wouldn’t be happening for years if it were up to him. To me, an engagement means that you’re ready to set a date that’s coming up in the near future, plan the wedding, and get married. Having or wanting to wait years to get married after proposing suggests that a person simply isn’t ready for marriage.
I also wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to. To me, getting married and then buying a house is the logical order. At the very least, the wedding would happen in the process of buying the house. There are lots of inexpensive, but very nice, ways to get married without breaking the bank, so I wouldn’t accept any arguments that have anything to do with a wedding costing a lot of money.
Post # 7
It’s not silly to not want a 5 year engagement. However, it is both silly and foolish to make the legal and financial commitment of buying a house with this guy when you haven’t discussed the fact that you both have a pretty vastly different future in mind.
Post # 8
The only thing silly here is his idea that he sets all timelines, including house buying. You should do,that together. ask him if the two of you can have a long term strategy session re goals and plans and then speak up.
Post # 9
SillyLittleGirl: Say something! Many of my friends got engaged and then bought the house. Not the other way around because they wanted that commitment first. Not that house isn’t a big commitment but by being engaged it kind of set the tone that we’re getting married, and we’re not playing house first. I actually played house first before getting married, almost by 10 months, but that’s what worked for us. Sometimes men just don’t realize things like that.
Post # 10
I don’t know him very well and you’re the one out of everyone in the entire world that knows him best. I would suggest talking to him about it. I remember a friend of mine started dating (her now husband) and before they were a year together, they were talking about the future. He told her that they probably won’t be engaged for 5-6 years, because of his career. I think he popped the question less a year after that day and they got married months after. She was very upset, to me she was stressing out about something that wasn’t carved in stone, which is what I told her. I remember my husband told me he wanted to propose before we were together for a year, I kept putting that off and told him I would prefer at least 1 year after. 3 years together and nothing, one day he came home and proposed. He were married a few months later. I don’t know if this is a guy thing, to keep us on our toes, but it did shock me and my friend.
I would agree with the other bees here, try to talk to him and state what would make you happiest. Good luck!
Post # 11
Is buying a house really more important to him than being married to you? Could his issue maybe the fact that the money for a wedding would be taken out of the funds for a house and he doesn’t want that? If so, then would both of you consider a City Hall marriage as a compromise? Honestly, I wouldn’t be comfortable purchasing a house with someone who wasn’t married to me.
Honestly, if it was between marrying me within a year to year and a half of proposing or buying a house and being engaged for 5 years, I would tell him it’s me or the house.
Post # 12
Could he perhaps be saying that before you two start spending money on a wedding – because lets be honest, weddings are pretty expensive parties – he would like the two of you to have a house?
It doesn’t sound like he’s discounting spending the rest of his life with you, I dont know many men that would propose and get engaged without the goal of actually getting married.
I understand that some people may feel that “I want to get married why does he want to buy a house first????” mentality, but can you really see yourself saying no to his proposal because he’s trying to be financially responsible and make sure that you two have a place to raise your family? That you have a home to live in? If he’s entertaining the idea of buying a house together, make no mistake, he’s thinking about his future with you.
Also, I would say that your age and financial situation probably have a lot to do with his response. I have friends that were engaged for about five years, but that’s because they were 20 when they got engaged, and now I can report that they have been happily married for the past 4 years, and have a beautiful son, and are 29.
I dont think that you should discount your future with this man because his vision of the future with you has a house and stability included before a big party.
Maybe you should talk about getting married legally in a courthouse wedding, and then waiting until after you’ve purchased the house to have the actual “wedding”? Then you two would be married, which is what matters most to you ( I assume), and wouldn’t have to worry about the expense of a wedding jeapordizing your ability to pay for a home, which is what matters most to him (again, I assume).
Post # 13
I could also play devil’s advocate. You say “why should I even bother saying yes?” because his timeline doesn’t match exactly with yours: but he could say “why should I even bother to ask?” for the same reason. But he’s not saying that, and he’s not discounting his future with you; he’s simply telling you up front and in a very real way his concerns and how he feels and what his vision for your future is.
Post # 14
As someone who’s in your FI’s shoes (and wants to have as long an engagement as possible, whereas my FI wants to get married sooner), I encourage you to sit down with your FI and talk through why you two seem to have different timelines in mind.
For me, I don’t have any rush to legally get married: I’ve been with my FI for 7+ years, we want time to plan out what exactly we’re going to do to celebrate, we’d be paying about $10k more in taxes every year when we eventually do get married, etc. That doesn’t mean that I am not 100% committed to being with my FI for the rest of my life or that I don’t want to grow old and gray with him. I completely do. He is my lobster. I just don’t put much value on having the state and society recognize me and my FI as being married on paper. FI is the opposite. So we had to sit down and compromise. Our compromise is that we will get married before we have our first child together.
Point of all this is, it might be that for various reasons, your FI feels similarly regarding being legally married vs. not. He is entitled to that. However, in a relationship, one needs to gain an understanding of how the other half feels about these things too. It’s all fine and dandy if that’s what he wants and you’re on the same page, but it sounds like you are not — that you want to be officially married soon. Because of this, you need to have a conversation with him that lays out, “baby honeypoopoo, being married is a big deal for me. I know you think we could wait, but I want to do it sooner and these are my reasons: X, Y, Z.” If he understands all this, and still insists that you guys wait 5 years, then you have a problem. But my guess is that if he really loves you and hears how important it is to you to be married soon, he will be more than willing to make something happen.
Post # 15
Why are you letting him make all of your life decisions? Marriage is a partnership, he doesn;t get to decide when the wedding is or when you two buy a house- you BOTH have to discuss it and agree on when to take these important life steps!