Post # 1
FI and I have a very close couple of friends who are also in our wedding party. They just had a baby 3 months ago that we are completely in love with b/c both being only children, this is the closest thing we’ve had to a niece or nephew!
A few weeks ago when looking at BM dresses, this friend felt it necessary to drop into conversation that FI would probably be the Godfather of their SECOND child, and that they asked her sister and brother. TOTALLY fine. I knew I wasn’t a consideration b/c she has a sister, but my FI and her husband are very close. Anyway, we both totally understood and have no problem with that!
I come to find this morning via facebook photos that the Baptism was YESTERDAY. Not only were FI and I not invited, but we didn’t even KNOW about it! We just saw these people a few weeks ago, have been to see the baby several times in the past few months, we were both certainly shocked to find out this way!
Been thinking about it all morning, and even if they did just have the Godparents and immediate family, we didn’t even KNOW about it! Even if we weren’t invited over or to dinner post Baptism, we would have definitely gone to the ceremony.
I just think the whole thing is very bizarre and will speak to my friend about it…but am I looking into this too much? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I certainly don’t think so, but would love some insight!!
Post # 3
@BurlapnLace: I agree, it’s definitely weird, especially since they were talking to you about it before. Are the enthusiastically baptising their child, or is it something they are doing to appease the grandparents? If they aren’t into it, they might not realize it’s something you would want to go to if you weren’t the godparents.
Post # 4
@Polygon: No they’re definitely both active, devout Catholics themselves. They year leading up to their wedding, the husband converted and went through baptism, communion, confirmation himself. As it stands, my FI was never confirmed and if he needs to be before our wedding, he was going to ask the baby’s father to be his sponsor. That’s how close we are with them.
I’m trying not to get upset, but we’re both pretty baffled…
Post # 5
@BurlapnLace: I don’t think it’s that strange. Were other friends invited? If not, they probably just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.
Also, how religious are you and your FI? If you’re not that religious they may have thought you wouldn’t care.
Post # 6
@MrsBeck: I’m not sure who was and wasn’t invited but even if it was just family and godparents, how did we not even know about it?
I thought that too, maybe they thought we wouldn’t be interested. We’re half-sies religious, definitely have gotten back into the church since we got engaged. And our friends have played a big part in that as well.
If nothing else, I’d have gone to the church to see the baby and given them a gift. That’s how much they mean to us, whether there was a party to follow or not.
Post # 7
maybe it was just family and they wanted it that way – it’s possible they didn’t mention it because they thought you might feel slighted to not be invited and they didn’t want to have the ‘it’s family only’ conversation.
it’s possible they felt you might not understand that (and be right) since you’ve stated twice that even if you hadn’t been invited you would have gone anyway… :/
i wouldn’t feel bad about it – it’s their prerogative to invite whoever they like. i’d buy a small present, write a nice card and drop by for a visit to congratulate them – don’t make it a thing, since it’s likely not a slight if you’re such close friends.
Post # 8
Perhaps they just wanted it to be the immediate family, or they felt that if they invited you then they would have to invite all their other close friends.
If I was having a small private ceremony I wouldn’t talk about it either. It’s a little awkward to bring it up and then have to explain to someone that they aren’t invited.
Post # 9
@BurlapnLace: I have never seen a friend invited to a baptism unless they are the god parents. I have been to probably 12 baptisms and it is only family. The church part is open (it has to be– you can’t kick people out of the church), but friends were never specifically invited or invited to the house for the party.
ETA: We are Catholic and from what I have learned from all of the new babies in my family is that Catholic baptisms are incredibly stressful. You need to get the paperwork from each god parent’s church (and it never goes smoothly) and then the godparents have to meet with the priest (sometimes) and the parents have to work around the other kids getting baptized, the mass schedule, and the priest’s beliefs. The last batism I was at the mom got 2 weeks notice of the date (she had been trying to get a date for 4 months– since before the baby was born). That made throwing together the party really hard. For the second to last baptism (also trying for 4 months), the priest refused to do it at a time that worked for the godmother. The godmother ended up missing the baptism, but the priest wouldn’t budge on another time that day (And the parents were trying up until the day of the baptism to change it). What I have learned is that it is so stressful that it is often better to just roll with the punches and not take offense.
Also, talk to your parents and grandparents about their baptisms. My grandmother wasn’t at my mom’s– the godparents were. At mine, the grandparents and some of my aunts and uncles were there, but they were there because that is where they went to mass. These historically are not big deals or parties at all. It probably wasn’t meant to be an insult, but more like you asking why you weren’t invited to Christmas morning– why would you expect to be there?
Post # 10
@peonyinlove: Yeah, trying not to give it much thought. I’ll ask her how it went, since they’re obvi not trying to keep it from us – it was posted on fb. We’re good enough friends where I can honestly tell her I was a bit surprised we didn’t even know about it, but what’s done is done. No need to beat a dead horse.
Post # 11
@Pollywog: Interesting perspective. I guess FI and I operate differently. We’re both only children from small families, so our friends have always been included in our “things”. Our friends are somewhat our family, really. So we wouldn’t think twice about inviting friends to something like that. But they do have a bigger family than us. Makes sense.
Post # 12
@BurlapnLace: I added a second bit once I read your update. My husband is one of 6. Baptisms are family/godparents only. I wouldn’t think anything of it if I were you.
Post # 13
@BurlapnLace: I can think of a couple of different reasons that wouldn’t be because they don’t love you.
-Maybe it was just family? I went to a Greek Orthodox baptism recently, and I noticed all of the couples non Greek Orthodox friends weren’t there. It was a family one for us, the father is DH’s close cousin.
-They hate big baptism parties and think they’re gift grabby.
-They wanted it to be small because they didn’t want to host a reception afterwards. Often when this is the case, the invites are limited to a certain group ie immediate family/extended family only.
Possibly your friend didn’t mention it because she didn’t want you to feel obligated to get a gift. Sometimes I won’t mention my birthday ahead of time to casual friends for that reason. (Not exactly the same, of course.) Also possible that she didn’t want to go on about it too much since you guys were doing a wedding activity and she wanted it to be about your wedding.
If they’re thinking of your FI for the godfather of their second child, they must love you guys and consider you very close friends. It’s going to be ok! I think it would be alright if you asked about it in a non confrontational kinda way.
Post # 14
Before you jump to conclusions, I was just thinking of my upcoming baby’s baptism (I’m 38 weeks preggers) and as much as I would like it to be a celebration with friends – we just had a couples shower this Saturday and it was sooooo much fun so I was thinking it would be awesome to throw a huge bash for the baptism but then I felt wierd about it. It kinda seems like holdup #2 for gifts for this baby and that is not my intent at all, I didn’t even want or expect a shower. But people of course brought tons of gifts anyway to the shower so for the baptism I will probably only invite immediate family because I hate the whole gift thing. Maybe your friend felt the same way?
Post # 15
@BurlapnLace: This is really common where I live. Baptisms are just for immediate family and god parents. Even extended family usually isn’t invited.
Post # 15
I did not get a baby shower and I am anxious about inviting people to the baptism. If nobody cared enough to offer a shower for us, why would they want to come to the baptism? If we invite people to the baptism, I’m scared they’ll just wonder why they got the invite since they probably don’t wanna come anyway.