Why won't I let this go? Really need some advice :(

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

GypsieFlower:  ouch, I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Finding out things like this is heartbreaking. 

I think the reason you can’t “get over” this is because of two things: first, these incidents were a pretty good indication of your FI’s character, which by the sounds of things, is not exactly truthful or loyal. Even if his behaviour has improved, I guarantee that on some level you’re second guessing your trust in him, and I think every normal self-respecting woman would.

Second, there has only been a year between then and now, in my opinion not nearly enough time to repair something as sensitive and important as trust.

There is nothing wrong with you, something like this would be crushing. Again my opinion, but I would wait at least a few years before planning a wedding. It will give you enough time to truly get to know him and develop trust, or alternatively, confirm your initial fears. Tossing marriage into a relationship that is fragile from past disloyalty/dishonesty will only compound your fears, your stress, and will make it very difficult to see things clearly. 

Post # 5
3360 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

How horrid.

You shouldn’t enter a marriage feeling like that at all.

I also think that sometimes there are reasons why we don’t trust someone, but if you are 100% certain it is over and there have been no indiscretions of any kind then you may want to get some help and support from someone on building trust. If you truly trusted and had forgiven him, the above would no longer be so painful after a year.

I will say I could have written the above about my ex partner. But that was a story with a very unhappy ending, sadly. I wish you well, and hope you get some good advice from others.

Post # 6
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

GypsieFlower:  I just wanted to add that often at the beginning of a relationship, people do see other people and sometimes are torn. I think it happens until they figure out who/ what they really want. Sometimes people do stupid, hurtful things in the process. HOWEVER, you need time to determine for yourself who he really is and what kind of integrity this guy has. To make assumptions one way or the other isn’t a good idea, only time will tell. 

Post # 7
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think the fact tht he was honest with you/let you know about it and the fact that he tried to do whatever it took to show you you were the one he wanted shows a lot. Maybe you need to talk to that girl, maybe you feel like things aren’t finalized between you and her? Idk..like unfinished business. I think he loves you and it’s something you won’t think about in years to come.

Post # 9
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It sounds to me like you aren’t at a good point in your relationship to get married right now. It seems like you’re young (no judgment there, I’m 22 and engaged) and you’ve only been with him for almost a year, so there are still some things you need to work out between the two of you before you get married. I think this stuff can be worked out, but if you haven’t set a date yet, don’t. Work on your relationship without the pressure of a “deadline.” 

There are a couple things you’ll HAVE to do to get over this. First, delete those screen shots. You’re wallowing, and wallowing never helps anything. Second, talk to him about it. I’m not completely clear on what happened, but you need to have an open conversation with him about what happened and how you’re feeling about it. I think once there isn’t the mystery around it of what he said to her or did with her, especially what he said about you, it’ll be easier to move on. Third, if you have no other reason not to trust him and you still can’t manage to forgive him, I would look into counseling.

Last piece of advice, and this one is more fun, do something exciting and different for your anniversary. Since it’s your first one, I think it’s a bit early and pessimistic to say that you’ll always be reminded of this on every anniversary. Give yourself something new to associate with your anniversary.

Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out!

Post # 13
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

GypsieFlower:  definitely delete the messages. You’ve become obsessed with this situation and it’s not good. Also, why are you so angry at her? Holding onto all that unnecessary anger and hate toward someone isn’t healthy or productive. It probably has a lot to do with why you can’t let go of any of these feelings. 

It seems like you have no reason to keep thinking about what happened, but yet you still think there is more to the story. It sounds like you want there to be something else. 

You’ve got to find a way to move on or you’ll carry this into your marriage. And nothing good can come of that. 

Post # 15
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

GypsieFlower:  hun, I’ve always been told it takes at least two years to truly get to know someone (once the “honeymoon phase” starts to fade).

The second thing, people show their true colors in times of stress and difficulty. It’s through hard times that you truly get to know someone’s character.

I believe 100% that subconsciously, you are grappling with the concept of trust here. 

Unlike most of the Bees on here (and other people), I don’t believe that trust is a choice. Trust is earned and comes with being an honest, loyal human being in all aspects of your life. I trust my FI not because I choose to, but because he has shown me throughout our years together that he is loyal and trustworthy, through good as well as crappy times. I don’t have that sinking, stomach wrenching knot in my gut, because he didn’t put it there. So, I think to some degree you’re trying to convince yourself that you trust him because he has been on good behaviour for almost a year, and because others think you’re a good couple. These are not solid reasons and deep down you know it. 

The fact is, he did lie to you and he did break your trust. That will take time and effort to repair. Maybe you are confident in him now, that things are good. But what will he do in difficult times? How will he respond, how will he cope? The fact is, if during his last stressful life event, he acted in poor character, you can only HOPE that the next time around he will act with some integrity. But, he has already set the standard and it’s up to him to change it.

Look, it’s not an argument of whether he’s a good man or not. You want to know why you can’t move past these incidents, and the fact is that it’s simple. Your man was dishonest and disloyal and you have not been with him long enough to determine who he truly is. 

ETA: as far as being angry at the girl; that’s very normal too. It’s easier to shift blame on to someone else rather than admit that your partner (at least at that time) had some serious shortcomings. You need to take a step back and realize/internalize that SHE didn’t hurt you, your FI did. 

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