Post # 1
Hi. Wanted to get some opinions on this forum. Today I found some messages b/w my wife and a guy she knew in highschool 20 years ago and started messaging in the last month. She’s suddently been on her phone all the time and up very late. I think this is emotional cheating, and at worse the precursor to physicall cheating. I’d like opinions. Am I over-reacting? Some of the “highlights”, her quotes, guy labeled as “GUY”:
- “Well, talking to you has brought some excitement back into my life”
- “You have no idea how happy I am that we reconnected”
- “If you had just started making your moves as I went to college…”
- “You haven’t been friendly with boobs in 12 years!? … And I thought I had it bad … I am ‘required’ 12 times per year. Last year 2 or 3 maybe. GUY – “12 seems pretty low, why is that? … Still seems like folks could manage once a week.”
- During the holidays maybe I could slip away for a while if I gave myself an extra day … but I like my retreat better … no one asking me 500 times when I’ll be back” GUY– “you might ‘forget’ your cellphone on the way out for that retreat”
- “Well, night owl, I’d better stop tapping away under the blanket like a teenager and close my eyes. I will be sending you sleep-through-the-night vibes” GUY – “sweet dreams”
- “(Virgo) ah, my most compatible sign … And you are [Virgo] … good grief … well I’ll finally get it right if the backup plan ever is put into action in our golden years”
- GUY – “…I’m glad we reached out to one another, then” “Meant to be apparently” GUY – “Seems that way, maybe it’s just good timing” “Not as good as 20 years ago but I’ll take it”
- “profile pics … Jan 11 is most handsome … but so many good contenders”
- (sends smiling pic of herself taken while locked in bathroom) GUY– “you look like one of the beauties from Game of Thrones”
- “I should figure out how to FAceTime … Eh … I’d never get away with it while people are awake in this house”
- GUY – “look on the bright side, you’ll get your me time back in, what, 10, 15 years?” “People are living much longer these days” GUY– “Blessing or curse, we are not sure.”
- GUY – “I need a rewind button, the ability to stay 20 something…” “Or, stay with me, be happy right this second. Close your eyes and be happy with me now, deep breath, exchale the bad thoughts.” GUY– “I am happy with you” “I just hugged you, too” GUY– “You’re very sweet”
- GUY sends 3 photos from h.s. “I would have snatched you up”
- “Have to have something to hold on to … but not be crushed … cant’ breathe, cant’ breath!” GUY– “bet you caused that with your cleavage” .. various sexual jokes … “my boobs used to be bigger”
- “You’ll have to tell me if you prefer FB messages or iMessage or I might just fill up both of them”
Thanks in advanced for any opinions.
Post # 3
I should follow-up by saying she says it’s innoculous and that she just wants to catch up. Everything was a joke, and I just don’t understand the friendship they had (again, they haven’t talked for 20 years). She’s trying to help his self-esteen and cheer him up. She disagrees it was cheating.
Post # 4
It depends on what you and your wife consider cheating. I think you should talk to her. She may not consider talking to someone (even flirting) to be cheating.
I would consider this emotional cheating and be very upset.
Edit: You must have posted your update right when I was posting. She may be making excuses or genuinely doesn’t consider it cheating. Still, your feelings are more important than those of her old friend. This would not be ok in my book.
Post # 5
@theredtape: yeahhhh that’s some messed up stuff. So sorry you’re going through this. I’d be gone if I were you. Sounds like she’s already planning how to get together with this guy in the future. Best of luck to you.
Post # 6
I personally would be incredibly upset if I found messages like this between my husband and another woman.
To me, yes, it’s emotional cheating.
Post # 7
@theredtape: I’m so sorry! It seems you are very upset by this and should let your wife know you are very uncomfortable with the conversation. It is important she understands your discomfort, acknolwedges it and is willing to take steps to reduce it. Emotional cheating or not, compromise is essential in a relationship.
Post # 8
@theredtape: oh man! That’s so messed up. I’m very sorry. Most, if not all are inappropriate and you SO ARE NOT overreacting. In my relationship – If you cannot write it,speak it or do it in front of your spouse then it is shady. Nip that in the bud please ASAP and be quite angry Because IMO that IS cheating. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
Post # 9
@theredtape: That is not just flirting. She is 100% emotional cheating. I would be one pissed off Husband. This guy better watch out. And the wife would be sleeping in the garage.
Post # 10
@theredtape: Yikes. At the very least that is serious flirting. This is very inappropriate for a married person. (EDIT: And by flirting, I mean the sort of talk when you want to start a relationship, definitely not ok, a form of cheating).
As for the excuse in your 2nd post, (“I’m trying to cheer him up”) I’m sorry to say that’s straight out of the cheater’s handbook – i.e. I’ve heard of that excuse (or one a lot like it) used many times. Simple answer to that is: it’s not up to her to cheer him up, at least not in that way (with such flirty talk).
EDIT: p.s. Is the bit about sex 2-3 times in the last year accurate? In that case your relationship was in trouble already, unless there’s a good reason for that (like serious illness). That clearly needs work, and while I don’t excuse the flirting / emotional cheating, I can understand her frustration.
Post # 11
I would personally consider this emotional cheating, yes.
Post # 12
@theredtape: i am not saying what she is doing is right but do you think that maybe she is just enjoying the attention? it probably makes her feel 20 years younger as well.
Post # 13
That is 100% emotional cheating to me. I don’t care what kind of relationship she used to have with this guy. I would be beyond upset if I found my FI was messaging another woman like that. I’m so sorry.
Post # 14
Ohhh hell no! Especially what is the “required 12 times a year” BS! She’s emotionally cheating and wants to physically cheat. I’m sorry no great advice except get to a marriage therapist if you want to try to save the marriage.
Post # 15
@theredtape: definitely emotional cheating and you’re right to be upset. I’m so sorry. I found messages from my mom to a guy from her high school a few years back just like this. it was really very upsetting. When I talked about it in therapy the therapist said facebook is one of the no 1 causes of cheating now when people who only remember “good times” about each other are able to reconnect. I hope y’all get it sorted out. so sorry.
Post # 16
I would definitely consider this emotional cheating, which is the same as any other cheating in my opinion. I’m sorry 🙁