Post # 1
First off…HEY ALL.
Im new here,but Ive actually been scoping through these boards trying to find apost close enought to my situation so that I could just read the feedback from there. I eventually just decided..What the heck…lets just post it and see what happens.
Okay so heres my story. My fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 almost 4 years. We always had an attraction to each ever since we first met (when we were 14)–Ill share that story another time. We’ve been through alot but we have a great relationship. We are each other’s best friend. On my birthday in 2009 we got engaged. He said that he wanted to wait until he got a better job (we both graduated from college in 2009) to get married. When my mom found out, she offered to help for the wedding, but my fiance didnt like that idea (he wants to pay for everything himself–does not even want my help)
I began wedding planning soon afterwards. I kept asking my fiance for his input but he feels that he wants to be surprised on our big day. Plus hes not really into planning ANYTHING.-literally–if we need to go on a trip, he waits until the day before to pack…well what he calls “packing” is grabbing clothes off the hanger and throwing them into a suitcase with toiletries..ANYWAYS…
So I originally wanted to set the date for August of 2010 then he wanted it further back so I changed it to Dec 2010…that was until we found out that we were expecting a baby girl due on Dec 25 2010 of all days (she actually came on a little before that ) so of course plans changed. I asked him when was a good day for him. He said around my birthday (in August). Once again I started (or continued) to plan without telling him because he wanted to be surprised. My mom bought my dress and my bridesmaids ordered their dresses and shoes (which just recently came in). We even put a deposit on the venue for the weekend after my birthday (which he did come with me to do that). Well in March my fiance and I were talking and I started to ask him for some input about the wedding–like about the groomsmen and stuff that only he would really be able to answer. He tells me that we shouldnt be planning anything becuase we dont even have a date yet. I was astonished because I already had all these things in place thinking that we were going to do this thing in August of this year. He said that he told me before that he didnt want to get married until he had a better job so there was no date set in stone. I had to call the venue and cancel that date. They told me to call them to reschedule whenever Iam ready (since we already put a deposit down). But that was one of the most heartbreaking things for me to do..
He said it wasnt the right time to get married..really? We already live together and we are raising a child together (he’s a great father). We already share bills–we arent rich by any means, but we are making end meet. He doesnt want to do it because of a job? I understand he wants to be able to provide for me and our daughter, but I have my own job. The economy is bad so jobs may be hard to come by…just saying. I have faith that he will get one, but I dont want ot base our wedding and marriage on it.
I cant help but be hurt by this…I keeping wondering when are we going to do this thing already. We are already living the life…so Ive been planning obsessively. It is kinda like theraapy to me. Somehow it makes me feel like its going to happen sooner rather than later. But then I realize that it hasnt happend yet, and I dont when its going to happen. I dont know what to do to ease my thoughts. Its to the point where Im jealous of all my married and engaged friends. Sad I know…what would you do?
Post # 3
My fiance was really concerned about money too, and we decided to make the wedding as affordable as possible. Our total budget is $5000, and we decided that we have a buffer of $6000 in case something turns out more expensive then expected or we didn’t budget for something. So far, so good! What size budget are you working with? Have you discussed money? Maybe if you can guarantee it will be much less than the number he has in his head. he’ll be more liekly to set a date.
I think things will be easier for you if you two agree on a date, plus, he needs to give you his half of the guest list!
Post # 4
From my experience, I will tell you that some men do not feel complete enough to get married until they are secure in a job making decent money. I’m not saying all men. But for some it’s really really important to them. It doesn’t change what he feels about you and it doesn’t change the fact he wants to marry you. But this is something for themselves that they just are very bothered by and consumed by. Keep your love and keep supporting him in finding a job, it’s very tough out there and I’m sure he is feeling it especially with a daughter. He is also probably feeling guilty and really really wants to work so you don’t have to so much.
Post # 5
Usually men want good jobs so they can afford the after marriage aspects of being the provider.
But It appears you guys have already happily and sucessfully accomplished that as in you have a child raised comfortably as well as all your bills met and a living space.
Is there something else going on do you think more deep than “Money/Job” ?
Post # 6
Well i havent gotten a set budget because i would love to discuss that with him but he says he feels pressured when i bring it up all the time. I keep trying to explain to him that we can make payments until everything is paid off. The venue will be about 3,500–but it includes decorations, food, drinks, and other services. I already have my dress…so really whats left are the rings and other services (flowers, photography, etc).
As for the guest list, we had one made up. He gave me his half. Thats why it puzzles me so much. Im getting confused as to why he acted like he was on board– then BAM…everything just stopped. :-/
Post # 7
It sounds to me like something more is going on with him. The “don’t want to get married until after I have a better job” argument loses all credibility after you guys had a baby.
Post # 8
Without going into too many details, we did discuss the concept of marriage and he stated that he has seen to many fall apart. (His parents had an awful marriage from what both of them have told me,,,not to mention his mom has been married multiple times). Plus he also had fall outs with almost every husband except for his dad. He even asked me to name a couple that I know that has been together for a long time…of course I said my grandparents (both sides) and they are all still living. But from what Ive seen with his family is all of single or divorced people. But I could say the same…I mean my mom is single…my dads been married numerous times, but I see it as that was between them.
He also stated that he wanted to have a set amount of money squared away before the wedding.
Im trying to see it from his side but I cant help listening to my little nagging feelings too.
Post # 9
@Elvis: I agree! After your have a baby, that reason just doesn’t work!
Post # 10
If he had such an issue with marriage because of what he’s seen in his own family, why did he get ENGAGED? Engagement means you plan on getting married, relatively soon. It means you are comfortable with the idea and have found a partner you could be with. I’m sorry. But at this point, his concerns about failed marriages is a load of horse crap and comes far too late in the game. He already agreed to marry you. These are issues he needed to work out pre-engagement, not post.
Ok, maybe I’m being a little harsh. They are valid concerns. But he had a baby with you. He’s tied to for life already. You can make payments for things you can’t afford to pay for in cash. You aren’t planning on having a crazy huge budget and you aren’t inviting half the town. You’re already financially invested with the ring he bought you, the cost of having a baby, the downpayment for the old venue, the dress and whatever else you’ve bought.
There’s also nothing wrong with saving some money to pay for the wedding. None whatsoever. But that doesn’t mean you can’t set a wedding date. For example. It’s July, you set a date of July 2012. You now have a year to put money away, plan, etc. And I hate that he said you shouldn’t be planning because you don’t have a date yet? The problem isnt that you are planning. The problem is that he’s avoiding picking a date. Which is something I feel you really need to get to the bottom to.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been or how hard the conversation will be. Personally, I would find out why he chose to ask you to marry him if he wasn’t ready to marry you. That and if he’s able to share a life with you, have a child with you, live with you, be all but unofficially married to you, what’s the problem? Is he just nervous and doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings? Cause being nervous doesn’t mean you can’t get married.
Good luck. Sorry this was so long. Bit of verbal diarrhea. 🙂
Post # 11
I apologize in advance if I sound blunt, but you are being way too nice and accommodating here. He’s been jerking you around for years and now you have a baby with him. Unless you want to live with ambiguity forever, then tell him you need to set a firm wedding date, stick to it or you are gone. He’s getting everything he wants: you work, take care of his baby and probably take care of him too.
This is not a healthy situation at all. You have a tough decision to make but tiptoeing around him and his mercurial moods is not going to make you happy. Be strong and I wish you luck.
Post # 12
you can’t base YOUR marriage on pointing out how long other people have been married. Jeez if I did that… lol
Post # 13
@PutABirdOnIt: mercurial moods. I like that. 🙂
Post # 14
I agree with your FI – you never set a date. I know a lot of men aren’t into planning, but not even agreeing on a date because he wanted to be surprised? Something isn’t right. He said this isn’t the time to get married. I wouldn’t plan on it any time soon.
Post # 15
You need to put your foot down on this. If he isn’t interested in marrying you then maybe it’s time you and your little girl move on. He can still be a great dad while you are with someone who wants to give you everything you deserve.
He doesn’t sound like someone who has it all together. Let’s get engaged, plan a wedding, move said wedding back, move it back again, then say we never had a date, oh and wait..let’s have a BABY in the middle of all of that….but he’s not ready? Give me a break.
Post # 16
Yikes..I would have shoved all things wedding related down his throat. You are definitely more accommodating than anyone I know (having to cancel plans like that..). I don’t see how getting “married” would change anything especially when you already live together with a child.