Post # 1
5 years ago my parents moved from our hometown-while I was in college. I lived at their house for a total of 6 weeks and now visit during holidays and weekend trips when possible.
I moved to a new city a year and a half ago-where my fiance and I both currently live. We decided to have the wedding here for numerous reasons (central location for drivers, bigger airport, easier/cheaper travel to honeymoon, ease of planning, more vendors). However, in my parent’s minds, it’s the Bride’s family who is responsible for hosting everyone and our city is "more expensive." They agreed to let us get married in our town-but it’s coming with a fight, and tears, every time we talk.
My parents are now saying they don’t understand why I chose my current town. They think it’s my fiance who is forcing me into the decision-and now they are starting to question our relationship and the "control" he has over me.
A part of me just wants to give into them and get married in their hometown-but I don’t know if I’ll truly be any happier if that happens. All I know is that I can’t take 9 months of what I’m dealing with now. It’s sad when my fiance has told me that he can count the days I haven’t cried since our engagement began on one hand!
Please tell me I’m not alone on this! Any insight out there??
Post # 3
Wow that sounds rough. Could you sit down with your parents and have a heart to heart? Let them though the pressure they are putting on you is very difficult to deal with and you only get to be engaged once and you want to enjoy it as much as possible? Also list out all those reasons you told us here for them. Also explain that if they are paying for the wedding the invitation will absolutly be reflecting that your parents are the "hosts". This wedding is about you and your finance not anyone’s parents so stick to you guns, you should be able to get married whereever you want!!
Post # 4
Mr. Rain and I are in a similar situation. His parent’s home-town is not HIS home town. And my home town is just too far away. It makes the most sense for us to have our wedding in the town we both call home right now. If they do not understand why you chose the location that you did then explain it to them. Help them understand why, even if it is not the choice THEY think you should have made. Tell them they don’t have to understand it, but you do expect them to respect it and to stop making you feel guilty. You are an adult planning your wedding– you have every right to expect more from them with regards to this situation!
If your parents are like mine they are not always good at listening without interrupting. Maybe you could write them a letter. You could even call them to tell them you are sending them a letter and you would like them to read it with an open mind and then call you to discuss it afterwards.
And good luck!
Post # 5
Are your parents paying for the wedding? If so, you might have some troubles just laying down the law. Of course that’s not to say, that if you were paying for your own wedding, that they wouldn’t express dislike for some stuff.
How many people live in their town, that would be inconvenienced by you having your wedding where you are? You said they moved, so I’m thinking even their families aren’t there.
Post # 6
I’ve had a similar situation, but almost in reverse. My mom wanted us to get married where we live now, rather than where both my fiance and I grew up and where she lives still. After listing the reasoning behind it (expense was one of them, principle was another), and I had done research on vendors near where I grew up. After not finding a suitable venue for our price, we relocated the wedding to south Florida, where fiances mom lives. Well mom got rippin’ pissed about having a destination wedding, despite her wanting me to have a wedding where I live now which would be a destination wedding for most guests. She questioned our relationship (out of the blue…we’d been together for years, he asked her permission to ask me to marry him) and said the line about "controling you" just as yours said to you. Come down to it, it had to do with a lack of communication rather than the location, and even though we are paying for the party, mom felt slighted not even being asked her opinion on anything. Best thing you can do is try to let her know your reasoning in whatever way you can. Sometimes the ‘lay down the law’ idea isnt the best way to deal with parents that have it in their head that they know what’s best.
Post # 7
I agree with Tanya about having problems laying down the law if they’re paying for the wedding. Personally, I think you need to decide – soon – whether you want to have the wedding in your town or theirs, and make it a non-issue. As in, not up for discussion. If your parents are paying for most of the wedding, it might save you a lot of trouble in the long run to just have the wedding in their town (because it sounds like they’re not dropping it and it’s causing a lot of pain for you), but if you decide to hold the wedding there, just try to make it look like your decision as much as possible.
It might just be that you haven’t made it clear to your parents that you really, really want to have the wedding in your town. If they think your fiance is pressuring you into it that may explain why they’re constantly bringing it up – because they want to see you "stand up" to him, when you really need to be standing up to *them*. Just set your boundaries and stick to them.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone! It’s always good to know when you aren’t alone in some of these things.
I’m happy to report that they have finally come around and I finally get the feeling from them that they are happy for me-which I was beginning to doubt!
Post # 9
Do they insist on paying for the bulk of the wedding? If not, maybe u & ur FI can pay for whatever difference that makes ur location more expensive. In that way, you may feel more justified exertiinig more control over your planning.