Post # 1
Hello Bees. So I post often on here, but I’m posting anonymously in fear of someone I know seeing this post. So here it goes. FI and I have been together for almost 5 years. I am crazy in love with him, and I know he feels the same way about me. He is an incredible man in every way, and I know he would do anything for me. We started our relationship trying to hold off on anything sexual until we were married. Well, considering we had both done stuff with other previous partners, this made it very difficult. So, we have done everything but have sex. I feel completely comfortable around him and we have talked about going ahead and having sex (our wedding is in 5 months), but have decided not to everytime. This is my problem. Anytime we get to the point where we are going to, I have this overwhelming feeling and sadness come over me. I do not know if it is guilt (we are both Christians), or what. Now I know many of you may ask, what’s the point in holding off on sex if you are going to do just about every other sexual thing? I have told myself, and him, that it gives us something to look forward to for when we are married; even if we have done everything else, we haven’t had sex. But is this the real problem? And it’s not that we aren’t sexual people, because we are. We are very compatible sexually. I feel like there is something more. When I was young- 12, 13, 14, 15, I let guys push me around and take advantage of me. I would do stuff with them, not because I wanted to, but because they did and I didn’t have the guts to tell them no. I can honestly say that out of the 8 guys that I did something sexual with, there was probably only one of them that I genuinely wanted to be sexually involved with…..and he screwed me over. I was 14 and he was 17 and I had never had sex, nor did I want to. But in the midst of our messing around, he pressured me into having sex. Yes, I gave in, but as he was pulling off my pants and putting on a condom, I was shaking and repeatedly saying that I didn’t think it was a good idea. So we had sex, and then he never called. He wouldn’t answer my calls and I saw him at school with other girls. I became depressed and started cutting. This was 8 whole years ago, does it really still have an impact on me? Could this be why I’m scared to have sex with the love of my life? I told FI about this but I don’t know if I explained what a big deal it was at the time. What am I supposed to say? “I lost my virginity to a jerk 8 years ago, and possibly I’m afraid of feeling used like I did with him?” I trust my FI, so why do I feel like this? TMI, there have been couple of times when he actually put it in, and I just started crying. He pulled out as soon as my expression changed, but all I could do was cry. What’s wrong with me? I’ve wondered what my problem is for years now, but always brushed it off as guilt. Like I said, I’ve told my FI that it gives us something to look forward to for when we are married. But what if I feel the same way about it when we get married? Bees, please help with some advice or some kind of explanation.
Post # 3
@hellogoodbye123: I’m so sorry to hear about your past expereience, that sounds very painful 🙁 Based on your description, I don’t think you should write off your reaction to sex as guilt over premarital sex. It sounds more likely that you have some trauma issues due to your prior experience. It’s normal to have that kind of reaction, but it’s probably not something that will automatically go away on your wedding night. I’d suggest using the next 5 months to work with a trauma counselor to help you explore and overcome the negative emotions you associate with sex. That doesn’t mean you have to have premarital sex with your FI, but hopefully you can work on getting to the point where you can really look forward to and enjoy that part of the wedding night 🙂
Post # 4
If you wanted or did say no to that creep 8 years ago, then what he did was rape and that kind of sexual experience, especially at a young age can have lasting trauma that isn’t always super apparent. I would suggest talking to a rape counselor because they know how to help you talk through and cope with what happened to you so you can go on to have a fulfilling sex life with someone you love, not someone who has pressured you into doing things you don’t want.
Post # 5
@chasesgirl: I agree – at 14 you were pressured after saying it wasn’t a good idea by a 17 yr old. This is rape. This is not ok, and it is totally normal for you to be upset and have issues with it. I think you should see someone, talk to them about what happened and try to come to some kind of terms with it so that you no longer associate sex with these feelings. It won’t go away on its own and it won’t magically be better when you’re married. You need to talk to a counselor or therapist about the sitiation. Good luck, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Post # 6
@hellogoodbye123: Have you had sex since that incident?
Post # 7
@hellogoodbye123: Of course it has an impact on you. Your young sexualization (basically against your instincts) is now affecting your ability to view sex with someone you love as a GOOD and healthy thing. Have you considered counseling? Does your FI know?
Post # 8
@MrsWBS: Yes, I have told my FI about it. But at the time, we had been dating for only a few months and he was probably only 18. We haven’t talked about it since and I’m guessing that because he was an 18 year old boy at the time, he didn’t really understand the impact it had on me.
Post # 9
@hellogoodbye123: I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist about this, I would guess that the event from when you were 14 caused some lasting trauma. I’m so sorry you are going through this! I hope you find answers soon.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry this happened to you. 🙁
If you don’t feel guilty about all the other sexual things you’ve done with your FI, then I’m not sure that you’d feel any differently about actual intercourse. According to Christianity, even non-intercourse sex ‘counts.’
It sounds instead as though this traumatic experience you had at such a young age has deeply affected you- which is completely understandable. Fourteen is so young, and rape is traumatic at any age.
Like PPs mentioned, I would definitely recommend going to see a therapist. If you are particularly spiritual, it may be a good idea to see a therapist whose religious beliefs are similar to your own, so that you are not given advice that conflicts with your spirituality.
Post # 11
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I typically hold everything in and pretend like nothing is happening, so even talking about this is hard for me. And after reading everyone’s responses, I’m realizing that it probably had more of an impact on me than I originally thought. I guess I always thought that because he wasn’t pinning me down, forcing me, it wasn’t sexual assault but my own fault, and it shouldn’t bother me this much. I know I need to speak to someone and also probably talk to my FI about this again and explain how I think it is affecting me. Thank you everyone for being so supportive!
Post # 12
@MrsWBS: No, I haven’t had sex since then. Just the times he put it in and then pulled out after I got emotional
Post # 13
If your fiance has put it inside you, even just once, then technically you’ve already had sex with him. There could be underlying issues that make you emotional and in that case you need to see a therapist and start getting those issues worked out so that they do not become a barrier between both of you in your future marriage.
Post # 14
@chasesgirl: i agree.
@hellogoodbye123: i think talking to someone about this trauma will help you overcome it.
Post # 15
I agree with what everyone else saying that what happened to you was rape. Not only because you said “No” but also because of the age difference. It doesn’t matter that you walked away from it thinking “Well, that was my fault for putting myself in that situation,” the fact that you said “No” to someone and they went against your will anyway and used you sexually is still rape.
You wouldn’t believe how many survivors of rape blame themselves for what happened because society has taught us that rape is a masked man jumping you in a dark alley. In actual fact, upwards of 80% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, and many of them don’t involve violence. What happened to you was wrong, and you have ever right to feel hurt and confused about it. Even more so now that you’re in a safe place with your fiance and your brain can now take the time to process it fully. Not to mention, when your brain has taught you that “No” doesn’t work during sex (learned from your past experience), it can become really powerful when you find someone that it does work on. It seems like sex is something that you’re used to being out of control of, so even being able to say “No” and have it be listened to is a strange thing to come to terms with.
Clearly, what happened to you hurt you on many levels – no one starts cutting just for the hell of it, and the fact that someone you trusted betrayed that trust in such a cruel way when you were young isn’t something that people just “get over.”
I would suggest you try looking into rape support services in your area. There are some good lists here that might be able to help you (heck, the whole website is pretty handy – believe me!) http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?s=059ebe4717530eeec34fc2b6c8a440b5&showforum=42
Post # 16
@hellogoodbye123: I agree with those posting that you should seek assistance now from a rape counsellor. You have ‘tried’ to have sex with your FI by the sound of it and you are using the abstinence as a way of rationalizing your response.