Will I ever get married? :(

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

pamd26:  I was the last of my friends to get married at 30. It is easy to start feeling like the odd man out. I say keep putting yourself out there! I know it gets discouraging, but if you just live your life and keep trying to meet people in the process, the right guy will come along. 

I met my husband in an internet chatroom….lame I know 

Post # 3
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I met my FI in high school. We knew each other but I wouldn’t say we were friends. Years later started talking on MySpace and then started dating. I was 25 when we started dating.

24 is barely a quarter of your lifetime. You have plenty of time to meet someone. 

And not to say it doesn’t work when you get married young (cause obviously it depends on the couple) but literally everyone I knew who got married in their late teens/early 20s that I was so jealous of is divorced now, or separated. 

Just give it time and quit putting so much stock in it. It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it

Post # 4
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

Marriage and kids aren’t finish lines, their *potential* starting points. Points that some people never have and are happy. 

Envy is a powerful thing, and I think a lot of people can empathize with feeling like everyone around them is getting to do and have what they want. I know I do. I’ve thought or said the same thing before. However when I started clicking through all those Facebook friend profiles, I noticed something. Not everyone is getting pregnant or married. Really only around 20% were married and fewer had kids. 

Take a look at the things you want, marriage, kids, companionship, and why you want them. Learn about your motivations, your desires and why you choose to focus on some things and not others. And if any of these perceptions are causing you to feel hopeless, set out to change them. 

Post # 5
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I sympathise entirely having been in a similar situation.  For whatever reason I just could not meet the right guy throughout my twenties – but now, at 34, I am engaged to the greatest guy and happier than I have ever been.  My take on it is that it just took me a bit longer to find him.  You are still young so don’t panic; my advice would be to work on being completely happy in yourself (and with yourself) as a self confident, happy girl is one who is instantly more attractive.  I met my FI on a dating website (eHarmony) but I had a fair few dates before meeting him! Keep at it, he’s out there somewhere.  Oh, and you totally made the right decision in leaving the guy who called you names and fat.  Much better off without him.

Post # 6
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

To start, I just want to say good for you for leaving that jerk! Better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel like you’re less of a human being. That kind of behavior is emotional abuse and that can lead quickly to other kinds of abuse so you have my congrats for loving yourself enough to walk away. 

As for the feeling alone… yeah I understand. It really sucks when it seems like you’re the only single woman left. All my friends got married early so I was just sort off hanging out awkward and single through my first couple years of college. Then I got into a really awful relationship for awhile which was worse than being single! My advice is to find some other single friends, stop looking for a guy completely! Go out with friends, pick up a hobby or a good book, take a class that you’re interested in! Really spend some time loving yourself and living your life. It’s true that love often comes into your life when you stop looking for it. 🙂 

I met my husband when we were 13… but we didn’t get together until after I’d dumped my abusive ex and spent some time remembering who I was and becoming independent again. I wasn’t looking for my best friend of 8 years to confess his love for me… But he did. 

pamd26:  

Post # 7
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Okay, first I just want to say– You did the right thing by leaving a guy who was making you feel bad about yourself. NEVER doubt that!

Second, I know it’s hard because you’re seeing everyone you know moving to a point that you are not at, and that may make you feel inadequate. This is not true. 

Everyone moves at different paces with their lives. You don’t need a boyfriend, fiancé, husband– whatever, to have a good life.

Yes, I love my SO, but in the end, it’s you who needs to be happy, because having someone in your life won’t magically make everything better.

 

I apologize if that sounds like a rant, but I hate when girls beat themselves up over this.

 

You’re single now. Take advantage of it. Go to karaoke bars with friends, or find new hobbies. Focus on yourself! Things will fall into place when you least expect it. I promise.

Post # 8
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I totally understand how you feel.

 

First off, you are 24 and I know it feels like everyone around you is getting engaged or married or has a boyfriend, but trust me you have plenty of years left to find someone and have your happily ever after.

At age 25, I wanted to get married. I was with a boyfriend of nearly 8 yrs and wanted to get married so very badly. End result:  he cheated and I was devastated. I was depressed and felt like I would never find someone again.

But then I found love again but sadly, after nearly 5 years of dating he also cheated on me. No ring yet again. I was 31 and while everyone around me was already having their 2nd kid, I was single yet again.

Seriously, I felt like it just wasn’t in the cards for me. But I never gave up hope. I mean that’s all I had to go on. I only had faith to reassure me that I would eventually find my happily ever after.

 

I thought by 28 I’d already be married and by 32 I’d already have 1 child, but that obviously did not happen.

 

Now, I’m 34 years old and literally just got engaged last week! I’m still in shock and I almost don’t beleive it since it was something I thought would never happen but now it has. I might be a bit late in the game, but it doesn’t matter, I’m here now and I’m happy.

 

Just keep your head up and have faith you will find someone. Date around, enjoy, travel! Do what makes you happy and everything will fall into place. I promise.

pamd26:  

Post # 9
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t regret leaving your abusive partner just for the sake of not having a relationship currently.  You most definitely made the right move in leaving him.

Comparison is the thief of joy.  Your life is your own, don’t let other people’s lives make you feel inadequate.  There really isn’t anything wrong with being single at 24. 

Post # 10
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

pamd26:  Please read this: https://www.themuse.com/advice/singledom-stress-how-to-survive-when-everyones-getting-married

She says everything I want to say to you very succinctly. I actually came across this while googling because I didn’t have time to write a long text response and sent it to a friend in your exact same situation expressing the same feelings today.

 

I also saw that one of my friends posted this on Facebook today: http://www.philosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/ 

I think it’s relatively good advice (though I don’t 100% agree with it) for anyone looking to start a romantic relationship at some point in the future or improve the relationship they have.

 

You should feel proud about leaving that jerk of an ex-boyfriend. You deserve more than an emotionally abusive relationship, and that is not something you should build the foundation of a lifetime relationship on. It is far better to be alone than to be in an abusive relationship. Think about it and I think you’ll agree.

I also want to emphasize that even though it m ight not feel that way, you are still relatively young. You have plenty of time to meet someone…and not just do that, but also work on turning yourself into the woman that you want to be. I think that using your time wisely to build a strong future for yourself is only going to make you a more attractive partner.

If you want to find a serious relationship, I don’t think you should waste time on guys who just want to sleep around. Unless you want to, but that has never been my style. I do think that if you’re only or mainly attracting those sorts of guys and you want something different, you need to analyze what could be going wrong and make some changes in the way you approach meeting guys. Are you going for guys that all have a similar personality which has qualities that end up letting you down? Maybe you should go for a guy with a different type of personality next time. Are you meeting guys the wrong way somehow? I don’t know what kind of dating websites you’ve tried but a couple of my friends living in big cities have had success with finding long-term relationships through OKCupid. Are you finding guys who are not mentally mature? That’s quite possible. Do you live in an area where there are not many available guys in the age range appropriate for you? I find this highly unlikely, but I figured I’d ask to give you another example of a factor you could potentially analyze. Take some time to analyze what has gone wrong and learn from your experiences for next time.

Again, don’t panic, just take what you realize into consideration. As I said, you’re still quite young and I think you have more important things to focus on (education, career, etc), but you should make some time to date and I wish you lots of luck and happiness!

Btw, I know this sounds cliche but I honestly have had the best luck when I’ve sworn off guys and decided to focus on what makes me happy and what is good for my personal development. Lastly, a piece of advice I received from a wise person once when I was expressing that I just wanted to fast forward a couple of years into the future was, “Don’t wish your life away. It’s a waste of time, and you will regret it. Some things are supposed to come with time, but make the most of every moment you’ve been given.” That is not to say that your feelings are not valid, but rather that I don’t think you should focus on them excessively. 🙂

 

P.S. As a PP said, comparison is the thief of joy. I’m 25 and I have had a committed boyfriend for a few years, but we’re still not engaged. Instead of focusing on that, I focus on the things that I want to achieve for myself, the person I want to be, and the things about our relationship that make me happy/reasons why I’m with him. I think most people are somewhat envious by nature, but it’s wise to mitigate that with the things that are going to set you on the track to be the person you want to be and make you feel good.

I have many friends who are or have been in situations similar to yours. Generally, from what I have seen, things have turned out well when they have taken the time to focus on things that they could control, such as their career or interests. This is why that is one of the things I am suggesting to you. Focus on the things you can control, while still putting yourself out there to meet a whole host of different types of people with different personalities…and I think you will find someone to have a relationship with eventually. Being in a place where you are becoming the person you want to be, whether or not you are in a relationship, will help you feel great about yourself and if you’re happy with what you’re doing and who you are that is going to make you act in a way that will attract people to you, whether as friends or something else. An optimistic, generally happy personable person will attract many friends and admirers. Focus on doing things that are going to be good for you long-term and making yourself happy in the now.

Post # 11
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

pamd26:  I am your age and although I am married I sort of understand. My dh and I can’t have children yet, my career, his career etc although it seems like every single one of his friends (he is 4 years older than me ) are having kids, then add in half of my friends and people I know having children and my in-laws asking over and over again when we are… Everyone else I know is either engaged or just married and then you ahve the rest of my friends who are single. My best friend feels like you do a lot of the time, hence why I understand.

Her and I have been through thick and thin, our friendship even survived her not being a bridesmaid ( she understood our wedding party was very very small)… We now live a 12 hour car drive from each other but talk a lot and what you just wrote, could have been written by her.

She hasn’t had a bf in 6 years, she feels her life has hit a brickwall and isn’t moving forward. Her self-confidence has taken a hell of a knock and she often has ‘phases’ of depression. I term it that way because it isn’t permanent, only when she is having a rough time in general… I will sit on the phone with her and talk it out and I will tell you what I constantly remind her of, and it works temporarily until she forgets it and needs to be reminded, everyone’s life has its own timeline, my timeline and your timeline aren’t the same. Some people marry young, divorce and marry again, some people never remarry, some marry later in life, some never at all by choice and some wait years and years before they do. Some people will have children late in life (my cousin’s first was when she was 36), some early (we know people who married at 19 had their first at 20). And in the end a lot of these people are happy anyway, because they focus on them and their timeline rather than everyone elses. And yes I know it is hard, like I explained above, my dh and I are waiting to have children although when we compare our timeline to others we get jealous but we now also must remember that the timeline we are following is different because we are different…

Yes you were right to dump your ex, my friend had a similar ex… I will tell you what I tell her, go out have fun and when it is meant to be it will be. There is no point in making yourself miserable over the life you think you should have based on other people’s lives… There is a point in being the best you that you can be though…

Post # 12
Member
26 posts
Newbee

pamd26:  You made the right decision, no-one should be with a man who doesn’t respect you and calling you fat is not respectful!  Been there, done that, eventually kicked him out but not before he did a lot of harm emotionally. 

After my divorce (from this serial cheater) I went through a period of very low self esteem, and indeed often wondered who would want an average 40 year old with a failed marriage behind her. I decided to spend a year focussing on myself; learning to like myself; to find my confidence again, to find my independence, and only then start dating again.  I enlisted the help of my friends to take me to the gym, boxing, movies, weekends away, whatever was needed to get me out the door and motivated as I was lacking self initiative. I tried to say yes to as many activities as possible that my friends offered. I did things that scared me including sky diving, hang gliding, etc and even growing potplants without killing them and damn I felt a sense of achievement when I survived it all, and my confidence grew slowly.

After 18 months I got up the courage to re-enter the dating world and it’s a bit of a joke amongst my friends because I went on over 20 first dates with different guys. Most were online, some were set-ups from friends. Only 3 second dates out of the 20, and no third dates but I didn’t give up and continued to live my life with purpose, man or no man. Then I was contacted online on Match.com by a guy who was outside my search parameters. He was 7 years older and had kids.  I decided I had nothing to lose and went on a date with him.  4 years later we’re blissfully happy.  The lesson was to keep your mind very open and to be persistent, you never know who or what is around the corner.  I was determined not to “settle”, but to know that my life had purpose regardless of whether there was a man in it or not. I was not going to wish my life away waiting for Mr Right to sweep me off my feet. The fantasy days of that happening were over.  I worked at it, and am reaping the rewards now. 

Even though none of the previous dates tured out, there were valuable lessons anyway. I actually had quite a few comments about guys saying that they were attracted to me because of my lack of neediness, and my confidence.  I’m not beautiful, wealthy or supersmart but after the period of self development I am a positive person who seeks to make the most of life.  It took me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin but when I decided to focus on the positives and accept the flaws, it happened.  I’ll never look like Gizelle but guess what – guys apparently don’t notice cellulite!  Figure out what your best assets are and make the most of it. Do you have nice eyes? Good hair? A lovely smile? A kind heart?  Work it! 

I know too well how low you can feel when all your friends are coupled up.  Always the third wheel. I’d strongly recommend setting yourself a period of determined and proactive self development, it will get your confidence up and THAT is one damn attractive thing to guys!  Best of luck to you 🙂

Post # 13
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

Sorry you’re feeling badly about being single, but it’s better than a bad relationship any day.  I met my SO in a bar.  I was pretty drunk and just stood near him grinning like a loon until he got the hint I was interested!  I’ve used online dating in the past when I wanted a boyfriend and there were no prospects around. 

Post # 14
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I know it’s hard when the people around you seem to all be on a similar track, but remember: there is more to life than marriage and babies. 

I was single for AGES and did so many amazing things. I’ve lived in foreign countries, learned foreign languages had crazy fun jobs, met bizarre and interesting people, and most importantly, discovered that being alone is wonderful!  I love that I feel confident enough to go somewhere completely forieng to me, where I don’t speak the language and know no one, and DEAL. I wouldn’t trade that. 

You are young. Please please please do not fall into the trap of settling for a life that’s not what you want just because “everyone” is doing it.

Take this opportunity to do things you may never again have the chance to do: TRAVEL. Take classes. Discover your passions and hobbies.

I am getting married for the first time on Saturday. I am 44 years old. Many of my friends say they envy the choices I made. Obviously not everyone does. But don’t sell your situation short, OP!!

Post # 15
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

DH and I were near last of his friends to get married and middle of the pack for my friends.

And we are not young either, 32 and 36.

So, i’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but at 24, you really have plenty of time.

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