Post # 1
I’m really down right now about my Waiting status. Things are just awesome between us, but my SO is having some real trouble with his job, finding another one, and being financially stable. Usually I can be so optimistic, but right now I just feel like we’ll never get engaged because he’ll never find a job that he likes and be financially stable enough to propose. He hates his job b/c his boss is psycho and so are most of his coworkers. He likes what he does, but for him the bad boss & coworkers overshadows everything. He’s looking for a new job, but he’s looking half-assed because he’s working and there’s part of him that doesn’t believe in himself so he doesn’t do all he can. He also has not so good follow up and doesn’t really understand how to use networking to his advantage.
My SO is thinking of quitting without another job lined up, and he’s only been working for 4 months and is just breaking even every month (still a couple thousand in debt from when he was unemployed after grad school). It freaks me out for him to do that and I worry he won’t find another job soon enough and then he’ll be miserable from being broke and lose even more faith in himself and get into a deep depression. It just seems like we’ll never get to where we want to be and we’ll just be waiting for too long. We’ve been together 6 years! There’s no reason why we can’t get engaged now even if we’re poor since my parents are paying for my wedding (only child) & we know we’ll get at least $10k total from various family members as a wedding present. I also see that he needs a family for direction and purpose, so it’s difficult knowing that being engaged will help him out mentally and emotionally, but he doesn’t want to “cover up” his rough time with a happy engagement. I see it as a great assistant to his rough time, he sees it as an excuse or a way to avoid it.
Someone please cheer me up or commiserate!!
Post # 3
Awww… I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so down. I definitely understand why though… it seems like there’s nothing holding you back from getting married except the proposal, since your parents are paying for the wedding & family members will also be helping financially. (side note: Isn’t it great being an only child? LoL. I used to hate it, but it comes in handy sometimes. My mom is helping greatly with paying for our wedding..)
You’re definitely right to worry that he won’t find another job soon after quitting.. the job market is a scary place right now. Definitely encourage him to line up something else first. I understand how it feels to work somewhere that you hate though… totally been there… I feel his pain, but it’s not a reason to be financially irresponsible.
I sincerely hope everything works out for you, doll… look at the bright side.. once the proposal is behind you, it should be smooth sailing since pretty much everything else is lined up… financially, anyway. A lot of people don’t have that.
Post # 4
I have to say, I really understand how your BF feels.
It took me 18 months to find a job after college. I worked menial jobs, never had enough money, and was so demoralized by looking and not getting calls back that I was barely willing to leave the house.
I finally got this job, but even though it pays well, I hate the hours and the work so I think about quitting all the time. It really blows to know you can’t leave because you need the money and you don’t know what else could possibly be out there in this economy.
I wouldn’t really want to get engaged right now either. Its hard to feel good about starting a future when you aren’t even happy with the life you have. You feel like you’d just be adding to a bad situation. I do understand what he’s saying…hopefully this helps you understand too.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
That must be so frustrating, for both you and your boyfriend! Maybe it’s not an excuse though, maybe he genuinely feels overwhelmed with all of this and paying for the ring is added stress. I like what figment said “its hard to feel good about starting a future when you aren’t even happy with the life you have.” I’m sure he’ll come around soon, when he feels he’s ready to deal with it. My only advice is not to put pressure on him because chances are he already feels enough with work and wanting to quit. I think it’s like that saying that you’ll find love when you stop looking, maybe if you’re not talking about or looking for a proposal it’ll happen (: Besides, you don’t want him to be unhappy and stressed when he proposes! Just hang in there, waiting is so frustrating and I definitely feel your pain. Keep in mind it’s his proposal too, he probably wants it to be perfect for both of you, and just feels like he can’t give you that right now.
Post # 6
Thank you guys so much, this is really helpful to hear your encouraging words! It’s hard to see the big picture sometimes when things become overwhelming. Also the ring that I would like would only be about $300 tops because I want citrine and quartz from a gem mine we frequent so that’s not a financial stressor. It’s definitely what @figment: said about not feeling good about a future when the present sucks big time. It’s so nice to hear things from his perspective, it helps me understand even more what he’s going through. I was unemployed for a year too but I fared emotionally better than he is because I had grad school to look forward to. He’s already done with grad school so there’s not much room for him to go.
@MsFoxxy: I still hate being a “lonely only” but I totally appreciate it when it comes to finances and getting ALL the love and support I want from my family… though sometimes it’s a little too much love & support as I’m sure you’ve experienced.
@sugarpea: It’s helpful to keep that in mind because things are sooo awesome when it’s just us and we have lots of fun when he’s not ruminating about his life (we’re LDR since Aug & until July so weekends are fun us time). I’m hanging out with him and I start thinking “we’re so in love and so good together, why not get engaged?!” I need to remember he’s not happy elsewhere.
Post # 7
Well, then I understand even more how he feels since my guy and I are in a weekend-only situation too.
It feels like this: you work all week, just for those 36 hours on the weekend before you have to go back or he has to go back. It feels like a double life, this life you don’t like, which is the majority, and this life you do, which is the minority. It is hard to focus on the good when you know you’re going back to the bad on Monday morning.
It is really hard to stay up and motivated in that situation. I struggle with this ALL the time. There are a lot of times I think I can’t keep doing it, it’s too hard on the relationship, etc.
He’s just in a really tough position. He’s probably thinking he is not what you’d want in a husband, even though he knows you want to get married, because he’s not happy in his job and his prospects are so uncertain. We have the same problem– we have a blast on the weekends, then we go back to being apart and it seems so much WORSE because of all the fun we had. I’m sure it’s not the cost, it’s just the totality of the situation for him. Especially if you’re both young (sounds it, since he’s just out of grad school) it’s hard to be upbeat when you feel like nothing in your life is guaranteed.
Post # 8
@figment: I think you hit the nail on the head. You are amazing!
We’re both 25 & I’m finishing up grad school in the same field, so there’s added stress finding jobs for both of us/”competing” with each other. We handle it really well but it’s definitely an added stress in our future financial prospects. It’s also tricky because he’s trying to figure out (since it’s his first real job besides his 8 month Internship) if it’s the job itself he hates, or his psycho boss/owner of the company/supervisor. He’s leaning towards the boss since 7 people who worked there for less than 5 months have quit in the past 2 months!!
Anyways, this weekend I think he’s coming around to what I’ve been saying which is, this is the beginning of his career and he’s putting too much pressure on himself. My belief is that it takes a couple years to get into a career and find what works best for you. We’re both in the mental health field and there’s a whole developmental process to being a therapist. I also don’t have high expectations for income starting out, and I think he did (we really talked this out last weekend). I think it’s helping him to know that I don’t have these expectations for him and that my only concern is that he at least breaks even every month financially. Thankfully, he decided that he won’t quit just yet and will stick it out until he has a job lined up… at least for now.
He actually told me this weekend that if it weren’t for being in a relationship with me, he would’ve quit and moved 8 hours back to his parent’s house by now. He also said that he likes me getting excited about marriage & fantasizing about it because it shows how much I really love him. I guess things are looking a bit better from the OP. Thank you SO MUCH for your help in that!