Post # 1
My bf and I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. We see one another every month and have always talked about getting married and starting a family. We’ve become very serious about moving in together, but I want to wait to move in until we are engaged. He would like me to move in now and would also like to start a family. To him it doesn’t matter if we are married before having children. But to me it matters.
My bf says he absolutely wants to get married but needs to save up for a ring. We have looked at rings together (but just online) and he claims that he has contacted a jewler about the ring he intends to buy for me. He says it will take him a year or so to save up for it. Meanwhile, in the last few months, he’s made some very expensive purchases for himself. He also earns a lot in his job, so money has never been an issue for him. He says he would propose and marry me today if it weren’t for having to save up for a ring. He asked me if he could propose without the ring. He also asked me if we could just get married in a courthouse in a few weeks while I visit him. He really wants to live together and doesn’t want to postpone until he proposes. I am in my 30s and time is ticking away for me if I want to start a family, so I feel a little pressured by the clock and uncertain about things.
I’m so confused by all of this. Is he stalling or is he actually serious? I fear we will move in together and then we will never get married.
Post # 2
linsey2014: Uh, if he can’t afford a ring, what makes him think he can afford children? And why are you asking us? We don’t know him. This is a conversation to have with him. My advise (beyond talking to him) is don’t marry/start a family with a man who you aren’t 100% confident in his intentions.
Post # 3
It could be a little of both. I know that a year and a half seems like a long time in a relationship (though I can’t speak to the experience personally in terms of being in your 30’s) — and I know I waited much longer than a lot of people at 7 years before we got engaged — but sometimes it is partially emotional and partially financial.
I felt frustrated because my FI was waiting it out after he bought the ring, but he ended up waiting for “the right time” to do the proposal. Maybe consider the fact that he might want to live with you and experience life together before proposing? My FI and I lived together for 6 1/2 years so we were pretty comfortable with our living-in-the-same-home relationship. It takes a lot of adjusting and in this day in age, some people feel like they want to know what kind of dynamics they will have with the other person before making that committment.
Of course, this is all speculation on my part because I don’t know the two of you. However, maybe you should just talk to him. Ask if he has other reservations? Work it out and compromise? Maybe he just wants the experience of life together before being engaged and taking a huge step. Try to respect and understand his perspective, but I think you might just need to discuss it with him!
Post # 4
If he’s totally fine with getting married at the courthouse in a few weeks, then I don’t think he’s stalling. I would question the wisdom of marrying after less than two years of dating, all of it long distance.
Post # 5
I should add that the ring he wants to buy is $20k, which I’ve told him is so not necessary. But he is dead set on that for some reason. Also, if I ask him if he has any reservations about marriage he gets very upset with me for questioning him and says he’s 110% positive, that he already wishes he could call me his wife, etc. then he claims I’m the one with commitment issues if I won’t just marry him in a courthouse in a few weeks.
Post # 6
I kind of have to agree with above PP. If you are planning on having a family in the very near future I don’t think you should be accepting of him spending a years worth of savings on a ring. If your getting married big decisions such as spending large amounts of money should be made together. You could suggest ring shopping with him in person or online again to find a ring within a budget thats feasible within the next few months and put the rest of your combined savings into creating a stable home to bring children into.
As for your question “is he ever going to propose?” If he’s asked you to get married in a courthouse in a few weeks that’s kind of a proposal in itself. It seems very rushed though and sounds like you need to communicate more with eachother.
Post # 7
linsey2014: I’m seeing some red flags–I’m not sure what they are just yet. But if he really wants to marry you, and having a ring is important to you AND you’ve told him that you dont want such an expensive ring…why does he want to buy you such an expensive ring? Is he in competition with his friends/co-workers?
This is what I would say, “You have 2 options, buy the ring you want and wait 1+ years for that to happen OR buy me the ring I want that is $XXXX and marry me sooner. Your choice, be be aware this is YOUR choice. You have it in your power to marry me sooner but you are choosing not to.”
Post # 8
As for the ring, he says it’s really important to him to buy me something that really symbolizes his love and it’s something you only buy once in your life. So he wants to get it right. I’ve conveyed to him though that I dont need anything that expensive. I even offered to help pay for it. He refuses to allow me. He says I’m the one stalling because he would marry me today in a courthouse or just propose without a ring. That seems so undignified to me though. I feel like he’s just saying anything to get me to move in with him without him making a real commitment.
Post # 9
linsey2014: a $20K ring?? Wow.
Might I ask how old the two of you are?
Post # 10
You sound very passive in this relationship in that he want a big giant ring but you don’t yet he’s going forward with that anyway (or at least, if telling you that he is.)
YOu don’t trust his reason for not getting married (you think he just wants to get you to move in wiht him.)
He doesn’t shar a basic VALUE that you have: being a dad marrid to the mother of his children.
This is not a relationship that’s ready to move into marriage. You need more time with him, you need to come to a realistic expectation of what values you really share, and you need to be able to say: hey buddy, this $20,000 ring thing is ridiculous, that’s MY mother too (or soon will be) and I don’t want to see it tossed around.
Post # 11
I would suggest going ring shopping with him and find a ring you’ll love that is less expensive. If you are planning a quick wedding & having kids, you will want to save up as much money as possible. I also don’t think a year & a half is that long. I moved in with my fiance a little less than a year after we had been dating because we lived 9 hours apart. We lived together for 2 years after that until he proposed and we’ll be engaged for about 2 years by the time we get married. It takes a while to get used to living with someone and you have different disagreements than you did before living together.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer's Beach, Grand Cayman
Do you think the expensive ring is just a stalling tactic? Maybe he’s just not ready, 1.5 years isn’t that long especially for a guy. I know he mentioned just getting married at the courthouse but is there a chance he said that knowing you wouldn’t go for it?
I also wanted to be engaged before moving in together but my SO didn’t agree, he wanted to have a home for us first. I gave in to him but under the condition that the next step would be marriage and that it didn’t get dragged out.
I think you need to have a real serious talk about what’s going on.
Post # 13
OMGMrsW2B: I’m 35 and he’s 27.
Post # 14
linsey2014: “I know you think that buying an expensive ring is a ‘symbol of our love’, but I dont feel that way. I think a better way of showing love, in a way that would make me feel more loved is a more traditional engagement and small wedding with our family and friends. I would rather spend $20,000 on a big party than on a rock on my hand. It would be a symbol of your love for me to compomise on the ring and the wedding. I want a less expensive ring in the next few months. And I want to plan a small wedding for a year after we get engaged. If you keep insisting we do it your way, I will feel like you dont love me or care about my feelings.”
I think the mixed message of the stalling tactic of wanting to buy an overly expenisve ring, plus rushing to get cheaply married at the courthouse is enough to make me want to take a step back. You have been dating long distance, so you dont really know him day-to-day. Maybe he can buy you a cheaper place-holder ring (like CZ or Mossy) and ask you to marry him. You would be official engaged. Then you could move in with him. Wait a few months to begin planning the wedding just to see how being with him day to day is going. If after a few months things look good, then begin the 6-12 month process of planning a wedding. During this time, he can be saving up for the $20,000 ring he wants to give you (while also saving up for the wedding). Then before the wedding (or maybe at the wedding) he can give you the “real” engagement ring.
PS- if you get married at the courthouse next week, will you still get the $20,000 ring next year? Or will that money suddenly need to be used for some other new toy of his?
Post # 15
A $20K ring? What the heck? And he’s willing to settle for a courthouse wedding? I could buy a new car with that money. My husband and I spent a total of $700-$800 on the ring, the band and the stone (we ended up with 14K white gold so it got more expensive than originally planned) and his band.
Why does your boyfriend equate money with love? What is most important about love is that you two love each other, not that you spend a fortune on a ring. One of the biggest reasons I was hestitant on spending money on a ring is what if it got stolen? Broken, etc? The point is that a ring’s price does not symbolize your commitment, your love, and your promise to be with each other – you do.
Your boyfriend needs to understand that once in a lifetime opportunity or not, there is no reason to waste such money on such a small thing. Love, children, family are the important things in life, not some ring that you will wear. The ring doesn’t mean you love him any less or vice versa.