(Closed) Will our relationship work? Or is it hopeless?

posted 5 years ago in Interfaith
Post # 3
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I dont have a story to tell you, but only you can really answer this question.

If you are not ready to raise your children as Jewish you are not ready to marry this man.

Is he asking you to convert? 

Post # 4
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I don’t have any personal experience, but I don’t think you’re ready to make that decision

Post # 5
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

I agree with the PP.  Being from an interfaith marriage, religion can become a frequent topic of discussions/arguments.  You need to be absolutely 100% comfortable with your decision before marrying.  

Post # 6
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@ThreeMeers:  everything you said!

I wouldn’t attempt this unless I was willing to convert.

Post # 7
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@togs:  I think you need your whole heart to be in it. I can’t imagine converting to a different religion, but I am sure some people can.

I am in a relationship with a non-practicing Catholic. Basically since he’s in the (long) process of divorcing, he’s stopped going to church, agreed that if we got married and have a kid, we won’t raise him/her Catholic etc. He feels like if he continued to be a practicing Catholic, he’d be a hypocrite etc.

Anyway, I was raised without any kind of religion. I would say I’m a fairly open minded agnostic, but definitely not relgious. We had many discussions at the start of our relationship – some pretty emotional – about religion and believing in God and so on. I found it quite difficult even though he never asked me to join his religion or even for him to go to church/practice it himself.

If he had asked me to convert I would have been outta there. My heart wouldn’t be in it.

I don’t understand how it’s possible to change so completely for someone else. I know it’s done, but if you have reservations I strongly suggest you address them before marriage. I feel like it’s kinda mean of him not to budge.. like why can’t he convert to be Catholic and raise your kids Catholic? Why can’t you both give up the relgion? Why can’t you do some Catholic/Jewish hybrid (ok I guess this might be impossible)… but still.

Post # 8
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@togs:  I guess it’s going to come down to Jesus. Can you accept that he won’t be part of your new religion or part of your children’s life?

(I am not religious so I don’t have a dog in the fight either way)

Post # 9
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

It’s not my place to really say anything, but are you ready to give up Jesus and become Jewish? what are you feeling? Where is HIS sense of compromise? Why should you have to give up your religion. The Catholic faith is beautiful.

Post # 10
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Why don’t you have a talk with him and see if he would be open to raising your children in a way that they can make an informed decision when they are old enough? I don’t think anyone should have a religion pushed on them, including children. To me, it makes more sense to tell them about (or let them learn about) different religions or beliefs and let them decide what they think.

How does he usually compromise in other areas? Is it only this that he’s being so stubborn about?

Post # 11
Member
9063 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Lovemelovemyhorses:  I don’t think anyone should have a religion pushed on them, including children. To me, it makes more sense to tell them about (or let them learn about) different religions or beliefs and let them decide what they think.



+2000000
I am an Athiest, I was born and raised a devout Catholic.  I am all for people teaching their children what their religion is all about, however *I personally* feel that children should be raised in order to make their own informed decision. Catholicism was not for me and it turned out, religion was not for me. I am proud that my mother supported me, despite being very Catholic.

Post # 12
Member
11352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am a Christian who, many years ago, broke an engagement to another Christian, because the differences in our respective sects of Christianity proved to be too much to overcome.

My ex-FI is a fantastic guy who comes from an absolutely wonderful family. We loved each other, we had much in common, and the Lord was and is extremely important to both of us. However, he is Catholic, and I am Protestant.  He did not want to leave the Catholic Church, and I did not want to return to it, as I had been raised Catholic but had spent many years following the Lord in a Spirit-filled, Protestant denomination by the time I met my then-FI.

Because we were both Christians, we allowed ourselves to date, fall in love, and get engaged, all the while thinking that, somehow, everything would just work out in the end. However, our differences in faith were the elephant in the room that finally reared its head once the ring was on my finger, and we began planning a life together.

Suddenly, I began to ask myself questions such as, how will we worship together? (I had  zero interest in having him continue to attend his church alone, while I continued going alone to mine.) Will either of us be fulfilled spiritually if we choose to go to his church one week, and my church the next? How will attending our church of choice only every other week permit us to become involved in various ministries? How would I feel if my children were baptized as infants and raised Catholic? How would he and his parents feel if his children were not baptized until they reached an age of accountability and were raised Protestant? When I sat down at the computer and drafted a multi-page list of questions, I knew that I could not go through with that wedding.  After I printed out the list and gave it to him, he couldn’t see how we could move forward either.

It was an extremely difficult and very painful decision to walk away from each other. However, the pain of breaking up was far more temporary and far less traumatic than the pain of attempting to make permanent a relationship that would only lead to a lifetime of issues and sorrow for both of us and our families. I cried buckets of tears, but, I knew in my heart, it was the right thing to do.

I’m pleased to say that, three years later to the weekend that we were to be married, my former FI married his beautiful, sweet, Catholic wife.  They are very happy and have a beautiful family.  

To be honest, no one was more surprised than I that it took an incredibly long time — more than 15 years! — for me to finally meet the man that God had chosen for me, and another year or so before we were married. However, I am extremely glad that I made the difficult choice to wait for God’s best for my life! It was well worth the wait.

If being free to practice your respective faiths is extremely important to both of you, and if having a unified family is also a priority, you may find it very difficult to succeed in an interfaith marriage.

Post # 13
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You don’t have to give up the way you were raised.  I am agnostic and my fh is Catholic, but after over a year of trying to figure this out, we came to an agreement where we are taking the kids to different churches and exposing them to a lot of religions so they can decide what is right for them.  He is going to Catholic church every week on top of that (and the kids are welcome to go with him), but I will stay at home.  We agree that the most important thing is making sure our kids have good morals, and we are going to dedicate a lot of time in teaching those to our kids.  On the two moral matters where we disagree (morality of birth control and sex before marraige), when they are old enough, we are presenting them with both of our opinions and encouraging them to abstain from sex until they have really come a conclusion about what they believe.  We don’t want our kids to blindly follow whatever religion they are raised with.  We want them to decide for themselves what they really believe.

Post # 14
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 As a Christian I know that God wants us to be equally yoked to our spouse.  Jewish and  Catholic are not equally yoked.  I know a couple where the guy was Christian and the girl Jewish.  Both very much in love with each other.  They were together for like 5 years and even talked of marriage.  They always argued about religion and I guess they were naive and thought things would somehow magically work out.  It didn’t and they finally had to walk away from the relationship.

 

 

If your faith is strong, you have to stay true to that, even if it means walking away from an otherwise great person to find the person God wants you to be with. 

Post # 15
Member
311 posts
Helper bee

I think you two need to have a long conversation about possibly compromising on this. If he refuses, then you have to evaluate if you are willing to give up your faith for his. If you can’t do that, then you really have to decide if it’s worth staying in the relationship. My FI is very religious and I’m far from it. I’ve never been religious even though I tried to go to church as a kid and now I go sometimes with FI to his church. We’ve had several, several (sometimes heated) discussions about how to handle our differences and raising children. I told him that I don’t care if they’re raised in his faith but I want them to be raised to accept and enjoy peoples’ differences. That fear stems from people like his father who is so religious that he thinks I’m causing his son to fall away from God and continuously tells my FI to break up with me or that I have to become a Christian for us to be happy. I think, however, having one person in the relationship not be religious at all is easier to compromise on than having two different religions. There’s less to fight about in my opinion.

Post # 16
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

Hi,

I too am Catholic and my SO is Jewish. When talking about raising children, originally he said he wanted his children to be Jewish. I had agreed with him since that would make him happy, but after much thought and consideration, I changed my mind for a few reasons. I got histerical after thinking about it and started crying while telling him how upsetting it would be if my kids were Jewish because I am not Jewish, and I want them to have a part of me when it comes to the holidays. I told him if they were raised Jewish than my holiday would go out the window and I would be left out. My children would never care about my holiday and I would be celebrating christmas alone?

I basically said that our children are coming from the both of us, and how would he feel if I said I want my children to be catholic? We decided that they will be raised with both religions and will not be classified as JEWISH or CATHOLIC. They can celebrate both with the two of us like millions of other children.

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