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Hi ladies,
I really could use some honest straightforward advice on something I was thinking about tell my SO. Just a quick background: we've been together 5 years and I have no doubt he wants to marry me, and he has given me a timeline--but a part of me feels like he needs a wake up call to really get things rolling. Now, I have NEVER tried to make him feel bad or jealous and his happiness is truly more important to me than my own--and he is the same way with me.
BUT....recently my mother has been telling me about family friends who want to set me up with someone--basically these are suitors who are interested in getting married to me. Now in my culture that is totally normal but I have never gone for it and my mother knows that I HATE it. The fact that she brought it up made me really angry because I love my SO and would never be with someone else. My mother also likes my SO but she believes it's never going to happen so that's why she brought this up.
Anyway...there have been times that my SO has asked if my family has tried to set me up (because it's common in our culture) and I always say no because I don't want him to feel bad. But now I think, what if I were to tell him what my mother said? And of course I would also tell him how upset it made me and that I absolutely refused to discuss the possibility with her.
Do you think that would kind of give him a push--the fact that my own mother thinks I should start looking around? Or is this going to backfire big time.
Now my intention is NOT to make him feel bad but to make him see what I've been going through and maybe it will open his eyes and get him to really move things forward.
Any advice would be really appreciated!
I don't think you should bring it up, but if he asks again you could tell him the truth. Especially since he's asking and it's common in your culture, there is no reason to lie.
I wouldn't frame it in any context that he better "hurry up and propose" or you might entertain those other offers. That would not be good.
If he's given you a timeline, why the additional pressure? Do you not believe he will stick to the schedule or are you trying to move up the timeline?
I would say that you know him best to understand how comments like that will make him feel. I would be worried that it may cause him to dislike your mom.
@KatNYC2011: Thanks. I would NEVER tell him that I would consider those offers. Rather, I want him to know that while he's taking his time, I have to deal with all these things which make me feel HORRIBLE. And it's not like I can give my mother any type of definite answer because I'm just as clueless as she is with regard to why he's taking so long!!!
@Shirinjoon: Um, I'm not sure that I would go that route. Obviously SO is already worried or has given thought to the fact that your family might try to set you up with another man. So this is something that is on his mind. I feel like if you tell him it might backfire on you, and cause issues that don't even need to be there or don't even exist for that matter.
For instance, will he wonder, no matter how much you deny it, if you might really be interested in these other men? Will he worry that you might leave him and that would make him more suspicious of you and cause problems rather than make him want to pop the question?
Or
Would it cause issues with SO and your family? Wouldn't he feel hurt by your family's actions of trying (after you've been together so long) to set you up with someone new? It might make family relations a little more than awkward in the future.
Just my opinion....
@Sking: Well, the reason I want to bring it up is because I don't want him to think that I'm just calmly waiting around and everything is going so smoothyl . I want him to know what I have to put up with--maybe that will make him see that it's not so easy to just wait.
i wouldn't bring it up unless he asks again. honestly, it sounds like you telling him now would be kind of passive aggressive. you say he's given you a timeline--were you okay with the timeline he gave you when he told you about it? it's totally fine to speak honestly about your expectations and timeframe, but this sounds like you're trying to play games to get him to move up the timeline in a way that isn't very fair
@finnaroo: You're right, it is passive aggressive. I guess I just feel so powerless that this was one way for me to assert any sort of control over the situaiton. But it's kind of evil too and I could never hurt him that way! I just get so antsy sometimes that ridiculous thoughts take over me.
I think if you want him to know what you "have to put up with" and that it's not easy for you, you should tell him those things. Directly.
Telling him your family wants you to consider other offers of marriage may not get that message across at all. If you're upset about something, definitely confide in him, but I wouldn't do it to make a point. He may take the point to be that you just want to get married (him or one of these other guys) and he is not special and the ONE for you.
IMO, guys get it, he knows that you are prob getting pressure from your family, which is why he wanted to discuss a timeline with you, that way its not just up in the air, instead you have an idea of when he will be ready to take the next step.
I think that by telling him this about your mom, he is going to prob view it as a bit of a threat (even if you don't mean for it to look this way.) He'll just read between the lines and think its a hidden message or "you need to get on it now or else." :(
Also, if you have no doubt he wants to marry you, why can't you give your mom a definite answer of no to these other guys?
But why don't you want him to think you are waiting calmy? Is the timeline he hasdiscussed with you not satisfactory?
I think you could bring it up, but not in the way you presented it here - as a "here's what my mom thinks and is doing" - no pressure, sweetie.
I think you should sit down and have a frank discussion with him where you explain that while you know he's expressed his timeline before, you want to discuss what reasons he has behind the timeline, because you're ready now. As part of this conversation I think you could bring up that you are facing family and cultural pressures as well, which, while you don't feel like those are reasons to rush into marriage, leave you feeling awkward because you're not sure why your own relationship hasn't progressed towards marriage yet since you feel you're both ready. And see what he says.
@Shirinjoon: If you don't tell him and he found out would he be upset? I realize thats not where you are going with this but just wanted to throw it out there.
If you do talk to him about it maybe approach it in as a joke like, you'll never guess what my mum said the other day... can you believe what I have to put up with?
and at least that way he would realize that you have options even if you don't want to use them
I don't think you should tell him in a way to push him towards a proposal. Personally, if it was me I would tell my SO because we pretty much tell each other everything, but I would do it casually and without any pressure, just in a "hey this happened!" kind of way.
The PP have a good point about making sure it wouldn't upset him to hear this. If hearing this will make him feel insecure about your family, I'd be cautious about telling him at this point. But I'd definitely tell him if he asks again because I wouldn't want to lie about it.
I wouldn't tell him. That may make him feel like your family does not approve of him. If you want to give a little nudge, you could say that your family is pestering you about when you guys will get married, but I wouldn't tell him that they're wanting to hook you up.
@Sking: I tell my mom no all the time and she knows I don't even want her to bring it up. What I can't address is my mom's concern that if he wanted to marry me he would have at least done something by now and that there's no reason he hasn't....i tell her all the time that he has promised to do something this summer but she just has doubts (mostly a gut feeling). There's no way for me to reassure her that it will happen until it actually does!
I wouldn't do it, it will only make him resent your family. I jokingly told FI once that my grandma wanted to fix me up with the guy who mowed her lawn, and he still feels uncomfortable around her/doesn't like her. I can't imagine what his reaction would have been if one of my family members was seriously trying to have me marry someone else.
@CurlyDreamer: The timeline is fine with me but sometimes when my mother brings up the topic it makes me doubt that it will ever happen. My mother is really good at sensing things and she has been right about things before--so her opinion really gets to me at times.
@EagerBeever: I think if he found out he would be upset but he KNOWS that I would never leave him. In the beginning he was ALWAYS worried that I woud leave and marry someone else but now he doesn't think that way anymore. I guess if I told him it would really piss him off but at the same time he likes to solve problems and it may make him want to prove my mother wrong or something. But I don't want to be manipulative and I guess that is what I'm doing. It seems the majority of bees think I shouldnt say anything...so maybe I shouldnt
Ugh! I wrote a whole bunch of things and my post didn't go through! 
Yes, you should absolutely tell him what kind of pressure you are feeling and dealing with. He needs to know his woman is 'in demand' and if he doesn't do anything about it, someone else (better?) will snag you up! Maybe not necessarily better, but in his head, he might have a bar set somewhere.
Given your culture, 5 yrs seems like a very long time to be with someone and not have been engaged unless BOTH parties did not want to be engaged. Does your man have some other goals he wants accomplished first? I.e. finish school, pay off some debt, etc?
Either case, you should tell him what you are going through. Don't start off with "oOoOh! Look at me! Everybody wants me!"
But more like being really sad around the house and he asks what's wrong and then you tell him "i'm really saddened by somethings that are going on in my life. I didn't want to tell you because I don't want to make you angry or worry you. But I guess I am not good at hiding some emotions, especially when they are SO STRONG.... You see... my mom suggested to me another suitor last week. Of course I said no and really fought with her for us. But after the phonecall, I got to thinking like wow...! What the hell is happening with my life here!? I mean, I could not come up with a SINGLE reason why we cannot be engaged. It's not like we have to marry tomorrow. And it truly saddened me to think that we've spend 5 LONGGGGGG years together and we haven't been able to progress in the direction we both want to take. It's a very sad feeling that I cannot accurately put into words. I wish that you could see how I truly feel and give me a reason to feel differently."
Something along those lines.
I wouldn't volunteer the information but if he asks again, I would tell him. There IS a reason that she told you about these suitors and that is because she's concerned that SO won't follow through. Like I said, I wouldn't approach him with this, but if he asks again, you would be simply telling him the truth about how someone close to you from the outside looking in, sees your relationship. Of course, be explicit in saying that you are only interested in him, but telling him the truth won't hurt. If you've reached the point where your mother is concerned, then I don't think you need to tip toe around his ego if he asks.
@Sasha2011: Wow thank you SO much! Your advice is EXACTLY how I was thinking about going about this--definitely not in a happy look at me kind of way, because in fact it DOES make me sad that it has come to this.
Regarding the marriage thing, we always wanted to get married but I didn't really start waiting until late 2009, when I first brought up the question of when it would happen. The reason he wants to wait until summer is because he is in a very busy fellowship year right now and once June comes his schedule will get much better. I just don't understand that at all since people get engaged all the time even when they are super busy. But I do trust him completely so I would be SHOCKED if he didn't do something by June.
However, I think Im seriously going to consider bringing this up in the next month or so. Especially considering that our families have to meet BEFORE he proposes--and it has yet to happen since his parents our out of the country. He told me they would meet in March of this year--so if March comes and goes and nothing happens I will be really concerned about where this is going.
@Shirinjoon: I think it's good then to wait until March. If you really want to make sure that both sets of your parents get to meet before he proposes, then you must bring up that idea of having the parents meet since they are going to be in town.
If you miss this boat, it is likely you have to wait for his parents to come again before the proposal. And you have even less control over than that the proposal itself. (This is a paradox!)
So think wisely and make even wiser moves. I am not sure what culture you are specific to but just know that guys have only one culture: i.e. DUMB. They always seem to need to the point and straight-forward answers.
@Sasha2011: Thanks. I will try my best to wait until March when his parents return. And you're right about making wise moves--if I say something now it wont make a difference since his parents aren't even here. So I'll have to use that card later. I'm getting very bitter here however!
I think the main thing here is that when ANYONE, especially a close relative or friend asks the waiting woamn WHY she's no engaged, it makes her question things that otherwise seem straightforward.
I agree with many PPs that additional suitors should not be mentioned simply a a "get your butt moving and do it" tactic, but that if the OPs BF DOES ask, she should say,
"Well, I hadn't wanted to mention it because it makes ME feel bad and I didn't want you make YOU feel bad, but, yes, my mother asks when I speak to her, and she's worried like a mom gets, and she's got these guys lined up waiting in the wings should I change my mind and decide marraige to anyone is better than not knowing if it will ever happen with you. It's not in my interest to meet these men, but it IS hard on me trying to tell my mom WHY you've not propoosed to me, especailly when in my family's culture, these guys are ready to do so without even a date. No, that's not what I want, what I want is you, but each time she brings this up to me, it hurts me a little, and puts a seed of doubt into my heart since I can't tell her a satisfactory reason for our lack of engagement or marraige. I've been trying to protect you from this, but as time goes on, Mom worries more and can get more insistant, and no answer will really make her feel better except for a ring on my hand."
Or something like that. Not a guilt trip, not a bargaining tactic, but simply let him know that while most days you are content with your current life, and want to believe his promises of a married future, it's hard to feel so certain when others ask an you can't satisfy their questions, which makes you wonder yourself why you guys aren't engaged or married yet.
I honestly think that if men were asked as often or brutally as the woman, these waits would be far less in duration.
@Isilme: Thank you. So, just to clarify--you don't think I should ever bring it up unless he asks? The chances of him asking are slim to none since over the years he has grown more secure in our relationship and doesn't doubt my committment to him.
Do you think it would be bad for me to tell him how sad it makes me when my mom brings this up and how difficult it is for me to explain things to her?
@Shirinjoon: If you can mention it in the manner suggested by a PP, like, "Mom called today/yesterday/last week, wahtever. I was trying to ignore how it made me feel and not bring it up to you so as not to upset you, but she told me she's got suitors lined up for me, even when she knows how I feel about you. It's so hard knowing that she's going to worry about me in this manner until I can tell her I'm engaged/married."
I don't think bottling up the feelings is good for you, and you seem to really need for him to know how you feel. My only concern is that you do your best to not make it sound like pleading for him to propose, and try not to cry if you can, as both of these are off-putting to some guys. If you haven't, look at Mr. Bee's plan - it basically says once you've been given a timeline, try your VERY best to keep quiet and demonstrate you trust him.
In your case, though, with your family trying to follow your cultrual trasition of trying to set you up, even when they've been told you're not interested, it would be best if he knows. I'd really hate for it to come out somehow and for him to know you'd not been honest when he'd asked... also, it could make him feel your family doesn't approve of him, which could make him worry about marrying into the family, if that makes sense. Some of this might be fixed soon if the families can meet, but I think you need to find a gentle way to let him know your mom has been setting up a "back up plan" without your permission. Otherwise, he could think it was YOUR idea.
@Isilme: Thanks so much for your advice. I will do my absolute best to just keep quiet--so far I've not said anything since early December. But if I get really overwhelmed then I may have to tell him how sad it makes me that my mom is doing this. Thanks again.
IF he asked ..sure why not. But I wouldn't bring it up out of nowhere...because then it might make him resentful more than anything.
I say you can bring it up in a very nice conversation way. Let him know you spoke to your Mom and .....happened. I feel like honesty is the best policy. Always be open and keep it 100% with your mate. You have already held it from him this long. And because it's on your chest you might as well get it off. I believe in NO SECRETS wihen it comes to relationships. I would tell him so he will know the truth yeah he may be a little bothered but oh well. If he truly loves you he will get over it. And a real man wouldn't start not liking your Mom etc. Just because he should know she just wants whats best for you. That MAY push him to see that he has something to prove. But that's it. No harm no foul. Good LUck!
@PrettySedity: Yes, it's very hard for me to keep things from him especially because he can sense when something is wrong. And I don't think he would dislike my mom because of it--rather he may feel ashamed that he's taken so long. I don't want him to feel bad but at the same time he has no idea how bad im feeling! A conversation seems necessary.
Am I the only one who thinks she should tell him for the sake of honesty??
If you're only telling him to try to speed things up, then no, I don't think you should, but your mom trying to set you up (however normal in your culture) seems like it has the potential to be kind of a big deal for your relationship! I would immediately tell my boyfriend anything of that nature because we have an honest and open relationship.
@kirabee: I completely agree! You took the words right out of my mouth haha (:
If you're just trying to push him to propose then I think it's a bad idea, but if you want to tell him for the sake of being honest with him then I think you should.
NOOOOOOOO don't do it!!! Don't bring that up! 1. It could affect the relationship he later has with yoru mother. 2. It can make him QUESTION if he is doing the right thing. Just have an honest conversation with him if anything!
@Donnica22: Thanks. I think I'm going to hold off on saying anything. I just can't bear the thought of him feeling bad and there's really nothing positive that can come from telling him.
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