(Closed) Will this plan backfire?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think you should bring it up, but if he asks again you could tell him the truth. Especially since he’s asking and it’s common in your culture, there is no reason to lie.

I wouldn’t frame it in any context that he better “hurry up and propose” or you might entertain those other offers. That would not be good.

Post # 4
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If he’s given you a timeline, why the additional pressure?  Do you not believe he will stick to the schedule or are you trying to move up the timeline? 

I would say that you know him best to understand how comments like that will make him feel.  I would be worried that it may cause him to dislike your mom. 

Post # 6
Member
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Shirinjoon: Um, I’m not sure that I would go that route. Obviously SO is already worried or has given thought to the fact that your family might try to set you up with another man. So this is something that is on his mind. I feel like if you tell him it might backfire on you, and cause issues that don’t even need to be there or don’t even exist for that matter.

For instance, will he wonder, no matter how much you deny it, if you might really be interested in these other men? Will he worry that you might leave him and that would make him more suspicious of you and cause problems rather than make him want to pop the question?

Or

Would it cause issues with SO and your family? Wouldn’t he feel hurt by your family’s actions of trying (after you’ve been together so long) to set you up with someone new? It might make family relations a little more than awkward in the future.

Just my opinion….

Post # 8
Member
2462 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i wouldn’t bring it up unless he asks again. honestly, it sounds like you telling him now would be kind of passive aggressive. you say he’s given you a timeline–were you okay with the timeline he gave you when he told you about it? it’s totally fine to speak honestly about your expectations and timeframe, but this sounds like you’re trying to play games to get him to move up the timeline in a way that isn’t very fair

Post # 10
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think if you want him to know what you “have to put up with” and that it’s not easy for you, you should tell him those things.  Directly.

Telling him your family wants you to consider other offers of marriage may not get that message across at all.  If you’re upset about something, definitely confide in him, but I wouldn’t do it to make a point.  He may take the point to be that you just want to get married (him or one of these other guys) and he is not special and the ONE for you.

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

IMO, guys get it, he knows that you are prob getting pressure from your family, which is why he wanted to discuss a timeline with you, that way its not just up in the air, instead you have an idea of when he will be ready to take the next step.

I think that by telling him this about your mom, he is going to prob view it as a bit of a threat (even if you don’t mean for it to look this way.) He’ll just read between the lines and think its a hidden message or “you need to get on it now or else.” 🙁

Post # 12
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Also, if you have no doubt he wants to marry you, why can’t you give your mom a definite answer of no to these other guys? 

Post # 13
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Shirinjoon:

But why don’t you want him to think you are waiting calmy? Is the timeline he hasdiscussed with you not satisfactory?

Post # 14
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you could bring it up, but not in the way you presented it here – as a “here’s what my mom thinks and is doing” – no pressure, sweetie. 

I think you should sit down and have a frank discussion with him where you explain that while you know he’s expressed his timeline before, you want to discuss what reasons he has behind the timeline, because you’re ready now.  As part of this conversation I think you could bring up that you are facing family and cultural pressures as well, which, while you don’t feel like those are reasons to rush into marriage, leave you feeling awkward because you’re not sure why your own relationship hasn’t progressed towards marriage yet since you feel you’re both ready.  And see what he says.

Post # 15
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Shirinjoon: If you don’t tell him and he found out would he be upset? I realize thats not where you are going with this but just wanted to throw it out there.

If you do talk to him about it maybe approach it in as a joke like, you’ll never guess what my mum said the other day… can you believe what I have to put up with?

and at least that way he would realize that you have options even if you don’t want to use them

Post # 16
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think you should tell him in a way to push him towards a proposal. Personally, if it was me I would tell my SO because we pretty much tell each other everything, but I would do it casually and without any pressure, just in a “hey this happened!” kind of way.

The PP have a good point about making sure it wouldn’t upset him to hear this. If hearing this will make him feel insecure about your family, I’d be cautious about telling him at this point. But I’d definitely tell him if he asks again because I wouldn’t want to lie about it.

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