Post # 1
Hi bees! My fiance’s proposal came as a total surprise, and we never discussed rings prior to that. Thus I had no input on what ring I would get. I love him very much, but from the day I received the ring, I felt like the style (a solitaire) was too simple for my taste. I have always felt that I liked halo rings more, something still classic but with a slight twist. I am contemplating changing the setting to a halo, and have discussed this with him. After he got over the slight disappointment that I was not crazy about the solitaire setting, he said that if I really want to change it, I should pay for half of the cost of it as he had already spent a lot on my ring.
I think splitting the cost reasonable and I respect his view, as i am the one who wants the setting to be changed, and the setting I want happens to be quite a bit more expensive.
However, I am also hesitant to go ahead and change the setting as i wonder if paying for part of the ring will take away the meaning of the proposal ring, that I am making the ring an object that suits my personal taste instead of accepting his special gift to me as it is? What are your thoughts on this?
p.s. I can live with the ring he picked out for me, because afterall a solitaire is simple, and classic. So in that sense, it is not that I absolutely have to change my ring. Just that I am at thinking that since I will have it forever, I should have a ring set in something I really love. But I am not sure that in pursuing this goal, I give up the meaning behind the ring he gave me.
Post # 2
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Mysecretdiary: It seems like your concern is a bit less about the upgrade as you are about the sentiment when it comes down to brass tacks. Might I make a suggestion? Have you thought about a wrap as a wedding band? The link attached is just what I came up with on a first google search. Of course you will want somethign that matches and compliments your ring. Just remember that the engagement ring is for the engagement. Another ring is coming. Why not get the look you want with the sentiment you already have?
EDIT. I didn’t vote. I think you may find a happy ending.
Post # 3
Mysecretdiary: if both you and your FI are ok with it, then by all means split the cost.
Its just a ring, it doesn’t change what anything means or the proposal.
Personally, I could never upgrade, or change the setting but thats me, I know that its just jewlery and has not baring on the meaning behind the ring but I am emotionally attached to my ring. Its the ring he picked out and designed with the jeweler, its the ring he proposed with. (Plus he paid attention to things I liked, so I love my ring, he is great at picking out jewelery).
He actually asked me last week if I ever thought of upgrading? and i said absolutely not. He said, well if you ever change your mind. And I told him, honestly, all I would want is another wedding band (my rings can be stacked, so I would want a 2nd one to go on top) But thats not really upgrading though.
Post # 4
Mysecretdiary: That’s what we’re doing. He bought me a simple, not too expensive ring because he couldn’t wait to propose. 🙂 I love my little ring but I’m getting my dream ring for Christmas… We aren’t made out of money and since my original ring is still very nice and wasn’t free, it’s going to be my RHR and we’re going to think of it more as my promise ring and I’m chipping in on my actual ring.
He knew that was how I’d want to do things anyway, since if you think about it many things about marriage are steeped in sexist tradition (the veil, the e ring, father giving away the bride, bride wearing virginal white, only the woman changing her last name, need I go on…) And I know that now we only honor those traditions for the sake of tradition/societal pressure and they no longer have the sexist connotations that they once had (for the most part), but still. My FI knows how I feel about that stuff and he doesn’t have to prove that he can take care of me by draining his savings on a little shiney thing for my little finger.
That being said, I cannot wait to get my rose gold halo morganite ring. Also, it’s something we’re doing together. He’s doing it because it will make me happy, and I’m helping to pay for it since it is expensive and I want him to know how much I appreciate him paying for the majority of it, when we’ve already got a wedding (and wedding bands!) to save up for.
There is nothing wrong with splitting the cost! You two are building the perfect ring together. 🙂
Post # 5
I’m splitting the difference with FI to get a new ring i will get on my wedding day with my wedding band. My original e-ring is silver, and my wedding band is white gold, and I wanted the same metal (and a metal that would last!) for my wedding ring and e-ring, so we are ‘upgrading’! (even though the upgrade is nothing to do with cost/value!)
I see no problem if you want to chip in – money traditions are changing a lot now anyway.
Post # 6
Olgarie: Thanks for your wedding wrap suggestion babe! it seems like it will create the halo effect! im just wondering how it works though… does it mean I have 2 wedding rings? and if i have church wedding, will it be strange that 2 rings are blessed? hahhaa..
Post # 7
Mysecretdiary: I don’t think changing the ring changes anything about the meaning of the proposal. There are a people in the world who upgrade their rings or lose their rings or whose rings are stolen or who cannot afford rings in the first place and the meaning behind their proposal stays the same. The proposal and wedding are about the commitment between you two and the relationship that you have as a couple, which honestly should have nothing to do with material things. The ring can be a nice symbolic gesture, but that’s all it is.
I also see no problem with you chipping in to change the setting if that’s what works for the two of you. After the wedding, all the money you have will go in the “ours” pile anyway. And if one looks at it from a logical standpoint, that’s what’s most fair. The only problem with the idea of a woman chipping in, as I see it, is that women who expect the man to take a more traditional role of being the main provider and taking care of them may want him to pay for the ring entirely (not saying there’s anything wrong with that…whatever floats your boat), but you don’t seem to have a problem with it.
Do what you want and are comfortable with.
Post # 8
Daizy914: You are lucky girl! your fiance is good at picking out jewelry 😀 <br /> for me, he is a great guy, but not so astute in making jewelry choices as he pays very little attention to these kind of things. for gifts, i always end up picking out something and he will buy them for me. I still cant believe i had zero input on my engagement ring. why didnt i see it coming!?
Post # 9
I’m an uber feminist, so I’m all for women chipping in. To me, the sentimental aspect of the e-ring is the fact that it symbolizes your FI’s undying love and willingness to commit to you forever. Beyond that, I don’t give a flying fluck about who contributes financially to it. Of course, if FI was sitting on a ton of cash and chipped in $100, I would question whether he was seeing the ring as the important symbol I see it as, but so long as he does, I would think he’d be willing to put in as much as he could. And beyond that, I’m happy to contribute, especially if his budget doesn’t allow for the particular ring I have my eye on.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Mysecretdiary: They are usually soldered underneath. The engagement rings slips inbetween and fits fairly sung. I believe the way a freind did it is that she didn’t wear her engaement ring down the aisle and her Husband slipped the entire set on her finger during the exchange. You can see in the attached pic. Technically it’s one ring.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Mysecretdiary: And REMEMBER in a few years you can get a whole new set as an anniversary present if you want!
Post # 12
“I am making the ring an object that suits my personal taste instead of accepting his special gift to me as it is?”
Honestly I think that’s what you’re doing regardless of who pays. I personally would get a blingy wedding band you’re jazzed about instead, and maybe at an anniversary upgrade. But since cats outta the bag that you don’t like your ring maybe you should just go for it. And pay for the whole upgraded setting yourself. <br />
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
I don’t think it’s weird at all, in fact I think it’s fair. That’s usually what I suggest to women when they talk about upgrading or changing their ring. FWIW, I have 2 wedding bands and used both during the ceremony and think that the wraps are also a good idea!
Post # 14
I don’t think it will ruin anything about the proposal if you upgrade your ring. You should love it. You just need to decide if that’s actually what you want.
I didn’t realize how attached I was to my ring and the sentiment behind it until I had to send it away for repairs a couple weeks ago. My FSIL lost a diamond from her ring, and instead of just replacing the diamond, they replaced her entire ring. My FI said maybe they would do that for me too, and the idea of it totally freaked me out. I don’t want a new ring, I want the ring he asked me to marry him with. I didn’t know just how attached I was to it. Your situation would be a bit different obviously because you’d still have the diamond, but definitely put some serious thought into it before you make any decisions.
Post # 15
axia08: Oh yes, tell me about the father giving the bride away. When I get married, my idea is that my mother and father will walk down the aisle with me (hopefully it can fit 3 people side by side).. that will be much more meaningful to me.
Was your fiance slightly affected when you wanted to get another ring/ an upgraded ring? If so, how did you manage it? I think many men put in a lot of effort to pick out the engagement ring. I could tell that my fiance was a little sad when I talked about changing the setting. I guess he is not the type to dwell excessively on these things, but i could feel that he would be happiest if I just kept the ring he gave me. And sometimes I wonder if how he feels is more important than me getting the ring setting of my choice.