Will you obey your husband? (vows)

posted 4 years ago in Ceremony
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee

@recessionista – that is SO how it would go too!!! “OH NO THAT B*TCH DI’NT!!!!” *head roll and throw down bouquet*

hehehehehhehehee :)

Member
909 posts
Busy bee

Well, Orthodox ceremonies don’t have vows, so that particular line isn’t an issue.  However, the priest does say a line something like ‘the man is the head and he shall be over her’ (paraphrasing – probably quite off on the actual wording).  The first time I heard it, I FREAKED, but my godmother told me that in her village in Greece, the bride steps on her husband’s foot at that moment.  I think we will probably include that little ritual in our church wedding.

As to the Canadian vow renewal, we are using lyrics from our song:  “This is not meant to be something fun, this is meant to be a love affair, so if you walk with me, you walk with me through whatever.’ The image of walking together works much better with the vision we have for our relationship that any kind of obediance/submission language.  However, if I had to choose more traditional language for my wedding vows, I would probably use the words ‘honour and respect’ in both parts.

Member
77 posts
Worker bee

Okay, as a wedding officiant, I have to say…I do not have any vows that say obey or submit in them.  When I allow a couple to pick from my many many versions of vows, they will never see that word in any of them.  I do not feel a woman should have to promised to obey to anyone.  Those vows were actually from a long time ago when it was thought that the woman was of lesser value than a male.  But if a couple insisted on having them in their vows, I would also let them have that option.

Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee

We aren’t doing “obey”, but in addition to the gut reaction against it, we felt like it was important for us to promise the same things to each other in order to have an equal relationship.  So even if it was something non controversial like promising to support the other person in good times and bad- I would want us both to promise that to each other, not just one person, and have the other person promise to do something different, you know? 

Plus, I don’t like what “obey” implies about the way a couple should communicate and solve problems.  To me that says that, while the man should take the woman’s needs and opinions into consideration, he gets to make the decision.  I don’t think that’s enough.  Both parties should come to a decision they both support- and if they really can’t agree they should both voluntarily submit to each other so that one person isn’t always over ruled.

That’s how I see it anyway, but what is most important is that your understanding of the vows matches what you perceive your goals in your relationship to be, and that can be different for each different couple.

Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee

@bamm – remember the saying “the man may be the head of the house, but the wife is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants!”

Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee

No thanks. We’re also not using any wording referring to marriage being a union between man and woman.

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14581 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Our baptist preacher let us put pieces together to make our ceremony. There were like, 8 sections and from each section there were 5 passages we could choose.

We omitted the “marriage is between a man and woman” part and also anything about obeying or submitting unto my husband.

They rub me the wrong way and I didn’t want my vows to do that.

Member
617 posts
Busy bee

Those will words will not be anywhere in anything lol..That’s a little too much for my taste…and my SO knows that if I did say them I would be lying in church not a good thing lol

Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee

I think as long as you are both comfortable saying it (and really, really mean what you are saying – its your vows, after all!) then you should totally keep it in there. Your vows need to be meaningful to you and your FH, not your FSIL!

As for me, we’re saying very traditional, church vows but they don’t say anything about obedience. We also didn’t choose any of the Bible verses that talk about obedience, either. I have some friends that find that aspect of Christian marriage to be really important to them, but my FI and I see it differently. To each their own, I guess!

Member
486 posts
Helper bee

We are likely not going to have “obey” in our wedding vows. We’re having a Catholic ceremony with a Mass, and that isn’t a part of the vows. The only place it could come up is if we choose a reading that talks about wives being submissive to husbands.

Member
330 posts
Helper bee

No, I specifically told the minister I didn’t want the word obey in the vows.  So it’s not in there.

Member
76 posts
Worker bee

If you’re both comfortable, go for it – but I think that’s one of the more controversial phrases these days.  I personally don’t want to say it, because I’d be lying based on how I interpret the phrase.

Member
2074 posts
Buzzing bee

@recessionista-I agree with some other bees that if you dont plan to follow through with the vows and “obey the husband” or whatever then I would just leave that part out. I think it is a good idea to meet with the minister…im sure you will find a more appropriate option for the two of you :)

LOL@ spaganya and her b*tch throwdown!

Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee

FI and I make jokes about this line. We wrote our own vows, or at least wrote our ketubah – not sure how much of that will be in the vows yet since Jews don’t really say vows the same way. But, the whole thing is all we will… and we promise… – all equal and about things like supporting each other and sharing our lives together. I wouldn’t say something I don’t believe.

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