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@upnorth123: I wouldn't indicate black tie unless it was truly the most formal type of event - plated multi-course meal, full open bar, band, ballroom, etc.
Most people can judge from the invitations and venues how formal an event will be. It's also impolite to dictate what guests can wear (unless, again, it's truly black tie).
You might also have a few people casually talk about what they're wearing to others. That will also spread the word for you.
I would put it on your invites if that is the tone you want for your wedding. If you are worried about people feeling obligated, maybe write "Black Tie Attire Suggested"?
If this is how you feel about it, and you want something more formal but don't want people to go all out if they don't want to, I suggest putting on the invites "black tie optional"
There is some debate about this, but I think its a good idea. If you want people to be more dressed up you have to tell them. If you want the wedding to be more formal that causal then "informally" letting them know about the attire isn't the way to go. Put it on the invite.
Also put it on your wbsite, if you have one.
I always appreciate the dress specified on the invitation. It saves me the trouble of having to inquire, either with the bride or someone close to her. I never want to attend an event dressed inappropriately. Your guests will be grateful that you steered them in the right direction.
At the most formal events the most formal rule is, that the dress code is unspoken. As soon as you write "Black Tie" or "Evening Dress" on an invitation, you notch the formality down one degree.
To convey formality without stating a dress code, use black ink on plain white matte folded card. Have the invitations engraved with a formal typeface: typically either a copperplate script or a clean-edged serif font. Use rigidly formal wording for the invitation:
Ms Upnorth Hostess
requests the honour of the presence of
Mr and Mrs Guest
at her marriage to
Mr Groom
on Saturday the seventeenth of March....&tc.
Any variation: coloured ink or paper, pearlized paper or embossings of lilies and roses, romantic poetic allusions like "as our hearts are joined as one", pocket-folds or tri-folds or unusually shaped cards, all lower the formality of the invitation and suggest more scope for creativity -- which guests often exercise by creative choice of "formalwear".
By strict etiquette, you're supposed to let the formality of the invitation speak to the formality of the event. That said, when I think wedding, I default to cocktail attire- short dress, heels, etc. If you want gowns and serious suits, I think black tie optional does it, and does it without seeming insulting. But you do have to still go with formal wording on the invite.
@MidwestBride2012: This. Black tie is a lot more than just gowns and tuxes.
I think you should write something about it on your website. Are all of your guests able to afford to rent tuxes? If not, I wouldn't write anything about black tie anywhere--you might just want to write "formal dress" or "evening dress" on your website, and have people spread the word about long dresses.
The event itself as well as the invitation (style and wording) are going to be traditional and formal. It's mostly the Midwesterner in me that is hesitant to "declare" a dress code but I want people to know what to expect. As a guest, I like knowing what to anticipate. Still not sure what to do!
The invitation's formality will tell people what to wear. Make it very formal, black and white perhaps, and that will help people figure it out. Attire information does not belong on an invite unless it is a TRULY black tie event, which you are saying it is not.
i must interject, since this is an etiquette board. You may not tell (or suggest) your guests what to wear UNLESS it is a black tie wedding. A black tie wedding includes a full open bar, live band and full plated sit down meal (there are other aspects that have slipped my mind).
Your guests are adults. If the invitation looks formal, they will dress like that.
Thank you for all of the feedback so far! I'm beginning to realize the waters of wedding etiquette are deep and murky...
We aren't planning on having a website-- the invite is our "one stop shop" for wedding info, as it were. If a full open bar, multi-course plated meal etc. is what comprises a black tie affair then that is what we are having. The invitations will be in traditional fonts in black ink on ivory paper without extra flair. The wording will be formal (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. X UpNorth request the honor of your presence at the celebration uniting Upnorth123 and Y in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony). Whether the language and design of the invite is enough to indicate that we want men in black suits and/or tuxes and women in gowns or whether we should specifically indicate "black tie" is what I'm trying to determine.
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We are planning a small, intimate evening ceremony and dinner reception for late December. It will be dark out, which I think lends a sense of formality no matter what, and it will be cold out (MN) which I'm hoping will encourage long gowns. If most of our family (which comprises about 1/2 the guest list) is planning on wearing full black tie (ie tuxes and formal gowns), should we let guests know via the invite or should we spread the word more informally?
I don't want anyone to feel like they have to go all out and rent a tux or whatever, but I also don't want people showing up in khakis and sundresses with cardigans and feeling underdressed.
Suggestions?