Post # 1
Long time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle
I’m looking for a little advice on something that’s really starting to dent my confidence. I met my SO when I was young (19) and had just finished my first year of university. I was pretty immature when we met, partying lots and just wanting to have fun in relationships. I’d also just go out of a long-term relationship with a high school sweetheart. But I really liked my SO so agreed to be his girlfriend when he asked. The first year of our relationship was quite dramatic with lots of drunken nights, stupid fights (a few in front of his friends though never anything too dramatic), falling out with my university friends and all sorts of dramas. To be honest I wasn’t ready or mature enough to be in a serious relationship at that point but couldn’t see it.
Fast forward a few years and 3 1/2 years of living together and it’s a completely different story. Our relationship is totally wonderful and I’m so grateful for it. I’m a completely different person – my parents tell me all the time how I’m so calm and happy and settled compared to a few years ago. I’ve really done a lot of growing up over the years and just couldn’t be happier.
However some of my SO’s friends sometimes still make jokes about what a dramatic couple we are and how we argued in front of others. And some of the other couples sometimes give me the impression they’re looking down on our relationship because it was a little turbulent to start with. I really regret ever arguing in public, I know it’s embarrassing and terrible but unfortunately my silly 19 year old self just didn’t care.
It’s starting to really hurt me because our relationship is loving and supportive but it’s like they won’t let me forget the turbulent start. It makes me feel like our relationship is inferior and will always be looked at as rocky
Much as I’d love to I can’t change the past but I wish I didn’t have this feeling of deep regret and wishing I could start my relationship over.
Not sure what I’m asking – just looking for any advice really. Sorry I rambled on for so long!
Thanks so much
Post # 3
@dianawildfire: Hmmm if it were me I’d nip it in the bud the next time someone responds like that I’d be like “yep, unfortunately we had a bit of a rocky beginning however the last two and a half years have been smooth sailing. I’d appreciate if we could let the past be the past”
A true friend will realize that it is embarassing you and not funny. I truly feel for you. It sucks that people won’t let it go.
I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make them not judge you in their heads unfortunately, but just keep a steady head and don’t have any more public fights and eventually people will realize that it was an anomoly and not the true nature of your relationship!
As for you thinking your relationship is inferior Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. You know the truth, you were immature but you’ve grown up and your relationship is healthy and thriving. Does it truly matter if someone can’t get over the beginning of your relationship?
Post # 4
My husband and I had a rocky first year as well. All due to drinking alcohol. When we stopped drinking everyone saw the change in both of us.
I think most of your friends see the change and are only teasing you about the past. You’ve done a lot of growing, be proud of that. I’m sure others are proud of you for it.
Post # 5
Just keep in mind that most people are immature at 19, so you don’t really need to be embarrassed.
The first year of our relationship FI and I also had some drunken silly arguments/fights, because we weren’t used to each other’s communication styles (though luckily it never happened in front of our friends). We got past that though, and we very rarely fight now.
If someone brings it up, maybe just laugh it off and say something like “Yeah, we were so immature back then”. If they keep bringing it up, they’re just being rude, really, but I’m sure they mean no harm.
Post # 6
You can’t listen to what other people say, no one knows you like you know yourself. DH and I had an unusual start to our relationship too: I was a pretty irresponsible college girl living with 4 roommates, and in a totally different place. But everyone grows up sometime. It sounds like you did. Just be happy that you HAVE grown up – a lot of people aren’t there yet. It sounds like your SO’s friends aren’t.
Post # 7
You were immature, drank too much and were fond of drama in front of your friends. Yep, you sound just like every other 19 year old. It’s normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. My best friend STILL teases me to this day about my “speed dating” tendencies as a teenager. I had a different boy wrapped around my finger every week for a while there. Was it immature, teenaged entertainment? Absolutely. I’m not ashamed of it, I just find it rather funny now.
If it really bothers you, every time someone mentions how dramatic you were, just laugh it off and say something like “I know! It’s crazy how much we’ve all changed”. And change the subject.
Post # 8
@dianawildfire: Oh yeah, I’ve been there! I say next time they say something just laugh and say, ‘yeah, we were really dramatic back then, weren’t we?’ I think laughing and addressing it directly, not getting defensive, will make others laugh it off too, and eventually they won’t even think of it.
I can’t tell you how many WAY dramatic fights we have had in front of friends and his siblings! Ugh! I wish we could change it, but really, we have grown so much together. I think a lot of couples go through that, and I say don’t worry 🙂