Post # 1
We had a conversation about marriage/engagement last night and really got nothing accomplished. It was a circular conversation like always.
He said he does want to get married, but “everyone’s getting divorced and it doesn’t even mean anything anymore” Uh, really? Excuses, excuses! I politely reminded him his parents have been married for 30 years and also that marriage means something to ME.
ANYway, I am honestly SICK of him getting ALL the benefits of a wife without having a committment. He says he feels like we’re already committed to each other.. we’re monogamous and live together. Basically, he’s in the mindset why fix what isn’t broken? Well, to me it is broken.. sorry. I definitely thought we’d be engaged by now, so that’s a big reason I decided to move in together in the first place.
I’m seriously considering starting to stop all my duties. He does 0% of the cleaning, laundry, etc. But then I would have to live with the stress of a dirty house. Not good. And I know he would probably go 3 weeks without washing his jeans. I don’t feel like it’s fair for me to play the role of a wife without even being a fiance. I don’t want to punish him per se, but he needs a wake up call. (We’ve lived together for 1.5 years, btw)
I even briefly thought of going to the extremes of splitting our finances (we currently have 100% of our finances combined and I take care of ALL the bills) or even telling him I wanted to live separately until we are engaged. Both of those options just don’t make sense though and are a bit harsh! LOL 😉
So… what to do, what to do?
Post # 3
Honestly, I would find my own place. I didn’t want to live together before getting engaged, but that was a deal breaker for my FI. I caved under the stipulation that I wouldn’t be living with him for years on end with no engagement in sight. He thought that was fair. We got engaged after about a year of living together. Also, I was prepared to ask him to find his own apartment if it didn’t end up that way (he moved into my townhouse that I own).
Post # 4
Here’s the thing about ultimatums: you have to be ready to follow through and you have to be ready for the consequences.
If you tell him, if we don’t get engaged, then this is over, you need to be prepared for it to be over. He might not do what you want. When you make a power play like that, there are good odds that you will be the only one upset (like living with the dishes and dirty clothes). Talking is usually better than passive aggressive moves to make him give in.
Post # 5
Also – didn’t you have any of these discussions before you moved into together AND combined finances? There’s no way that I would be joining finances to someone that I was not married to.
Post # 6
Can you try to sit down and come to some kind of mutual agreement about it instead of resorting to ultimatums?
Post # 7
@nowifey: Well first, you haven’t been together that long but I think the more important question is why on earth you would agree to move in with this man and combine finances with him with no real commitment from him and no plan or agreement about the future?
In my opinion you have two options. Wait it out or move out. You seem to think that moving out is harsh but that its not “harsh” to be a pretend wife without the honor, respect and commitment that comes with actually being one. I think your idea of stopping your “services” is only going to cause arguments. Be honest with yourself – do you really think he will propose in time or just string you along? Do you really want to continue to play the role of faux wife while you wait or not?
Post # 8
@Miss Peach Tree: Agreed
You have to be willing to follow through with your consequences. I think you should find your own place, or tell your BF that you are thinking about getting a new place and explain what you just posted above.
Post # 9
@la boome:Also – didn’t you have any of these discussions before you moved into together AND combined finances?
I was going to ask that exact same thing
@nowifey: When I read your post, I saw myself in February of 2009 when my new boyfriend asked me to move in with him. The difference between you and I, hon, is that he and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that we would be engaged soon after moving in together and merging paychecks. Fast forward to September of 2010 and I had my big day and now a lifeling commitment to my love. Marriage isn’t only a formality as your boyfriend would like to think. It is a promise and, shall we say, contract? of “forever”. Divorce may happen to others, but if two people love each other. I mean, REALLY love each other, they would push that word out of their vocabulary. I hope I’m making sense.
You may think that giving him an ultimatum is harsh, but it isn’t. Would you rather just wait around another year and a half and see what happens?
I, too, felt like a wife prior to actually being a wife, but guess where my fiance was? Splitting the chores with me and telling me everyday how he couldn’t wait to make me his wife.
Hugs and good luck (and go for it ! Tell your man how you feel and he must do something about it or, yes, I would move out or at least manage my own money)
Post # 10
I think talking is the best answer. Explain that:
1) you are not his Mommy, and this is the year 2010, so in no way are you required to do all of the housework. He needs to pull his weight. Your relationship should be a team effort. You need to communicate this to him.
2) You combined your finances and your not even engaged? No wonder he is dragging his feet on the marriage thing, I’m somewhat joking. In all seriousness, unless you are, or are on the road to marriage, you really should keep your finances separate. If you don’t feel like reversing that at this point, then at least make sure that he is paying his half of the bills.
3) The temptation to be passive aggressive is very enticing, but try to avoid this. If you stop doing the chores just to see if he will pick up the slack, believe me, he won’t. Most guys are impervious to mess and you will be the only one frustrated in the end. Your bitterness at his lack of attention will not be good for the relationship. Instead, just tell him how you are feeling about all this, and how you are giving so much more than he is. ( I say this from personal experience)
If he listens to your concerns and makes an effort, then I think you guys are on the right track. However, if he dismisses your feelings and does not make a serious effort, then I think finding your own place is the next step.
Post # 11
I don’t think splitting your finances or moving to your own place are harsh options at all. If you continue to live in the way you are living, he is going to be comfortable and not worry about taking that extra step. If you keep allowing this to happen, nothing will change and you can blame no one but yourself.
Post # 12
Thank you for all of your comments. As a sidenote, he has told me several times (and also last night) that the #1 reason he hasn’t proposed is that he isn’t where he wants to be with his job/career. He’s had a lot of setbacks and sometimes I do feel bad for him but he’s trying. I currently make twice as much as him and I think that really bothers him.
@la boome: Oh yes, we had these discussions. We’d actually planned on getting married this past Sept. but didn’t want to rush things (when we decided on the date, it was 9 months away) which was completely ok with me. So we planned on a summertime engagement and a fall 2011 wedding. Well, obviously that’s probably not happening. Combining finances works great for us and we have yet to have an argument about it. He lets me take care of it, period. We both like it that way! It’s easy, but I do think after reading all of these comments it might be a step in the right direction to NOT be his mother (haha) and force him to be responsible.
@lisa105: We did have a plan… or so I thought. Did he just get comfortable once we moved in and then didn’t see the point in changing?? I am just as lost as you, lol!
Post # 13
Basically, it sounds like a case of why buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free.
I would suggest renting your own apartment as opposed to stop paying bills or cleaning. That way you aren’t punishing anyone, you are just doing what is best for yourself. To me, the other options you listed are too much like you are being manipulitve to get what you want and that wont benefit anyone.
It comes down to: what do you really want? If he says no proposal, now or ever…are you okay with that? Would you rather be with him, or married? If you would rather be married, then I do suggest splitting your finances and renting your own space after discussing it with him and explaining why you are taking these steps. You don’t have to break up, you can just change how your relationship is run. If you would rather be with him, then still have the discussion with him, maybe consider splitting your finances, but I wouldn’t stop taking care of my responsibilities (this is not to say that cleaning is a womans responsibility. I just dont like living in a mess, and chances are, if you stop cleaning… he wont start).
Post # 14
Uh. Not okay. It sounds like to me he’s just keeping you around for the benefits. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you because I’m sure he does. You’ve told him how important marriage is to you and if he can’t respect that, I think it’s time to get your own place. That will show him how much work you’ve had to do and maybe it will trigger something in his mind. Sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Post # 15
Ahhh men. My husband pulled the same thing.. “I can’t afford the ring I want to get you”, “I want to be a second class” etc etc. Even thought it just about killed me, I left him alone and let it lie for a while… and 3 months after I hadn’t said a word about weddings, he popped the question!
If you know for sure beyond a shadow of a doubt you want to spend the REST of your life with this man, give him some time! But if you are feeling like you are sick of waiting and there might be greener pastures out there you might want to move on… It just all depends where the both of you are in your lives, you know?
Post # 16
Could you move out? Even temporarily live with your parents? But tell him it is permanent. I would stop all wifey duties and go back to simply girlfriend duties.