Post # 1
sooo I need some advice from you guys…
The backround info: Since my husband and I have been engaged till now he as worked 2nd shift for a correctional facility. (3 years) I work 1st shift and only see him for a 30 mins a day during my lunch break. He has off every other weekend.
I have not been able to feel like we truely have that married life together yet. The kind of life where you make dinner together, take a walk or go to the gym together beyond other things. I am always down about it…express that I miss him and get very excited when he gets a day off. He does not show any emotion towards missing me other than just saying it. It makes me feel like he truely enjoys not being home with me and our 2 fur babies at night.
Anyone else deal with this? What is your advice. How do you make it work?
Post # 3
My husband works 3-11 and I work 8-5. He works at the sheriffs office so I totally understand where you are coming from. I only see him during my lunch, if he’s home, and at night, if I’m still awake. It’s so so hard to deal with but the best thing I can sugguest is for you to find some hobbies. Maybe take some cooking classes at night or some other kind of class. His schedule isn’t going to change so you have to find a way to be happy.
I’m sorry he doesn’t act like he misses you, I don’t know how I would handle that. Thankfully my husband hates his schedule just as much as I do. We make the most of the time we have, his days off, but it’s rare that he isn’t working overtime.
If nothing else, you are going through a really tough time and it should make your marriage strong. If you can get through this then you know you can handle a lot together.
Stay strong, I know how hard it is. 🙂
Post # 4
I am sure he misses you, but maybe he also accepts that he can’t change the situation and doesn’t want to dwell on how crappy it is? I work 8:30-4:30 and FI works 2-10, which is really 1-11 when you factor in his commute. Luckily, I work from home remotely, so even if I’m a little busy, I get to see him in the morning before he goes into work.
I don’t have a ton of advice, other than communicate with your husband and don’t take the time that you do have together for granted. Is this a permanent thing, or could your husband eventually change his shift? I know that it helps FI and I to know that it isn’t permanent, and in a year or so when he has some seniority, he should be able to switch to a better shift. Would this be an option for your husband?
Post # 5
My FI’s schedule changes every 28 days so sometimes he’s stuck working 3PM-11PM and other weeks he’s working 7AM-3PM, but often gets drafted to work 3PM-11PM. I work 6AM-3PM so our schedules clash most of the time. When he’s working second shift I really only see him for 15 minutes in the morning and maybe 5 minutes when he gets home.
It’s definitely hard, and I think in time he plans to move into something with a better-fitting schedule, but until then we both just have to suck it up.
Like other bees said, it’s best to find a hobby and keep yourself busy. Maybe hang out with friends more, join a gym, find a second job you can do at home, etc. Keeping busy has made things a bit easier for me.
The best part about having opposite shifts is that when you get to see each other, it’s great, and you really appreciate the time you do get together.
Post # 6
@Birdee106: I have started doing surveys online to earn some extra cash at night & play with our 2 pups to keep me busy. Thanks for your advice. I do love taking pictures, maybe I should find a class around here to go to so I can learn more.
@SweetWildflower1: That’s awesome you can work from home!! It isn’t permanent…he will be able to move up as people retire but that won’t be for a few years. thanks for your advice 🙂
Post # 7
@srslovebug: ooooh I wish mine was on a rotater shift. I love when we do get a night together but sometimes I don’t think he cares. I mean I’m sure he enjoys having a night off but he doesn’t truely show excitment. For example…I came home at 4:30 and we talked for awhile and he ended up falling asleep in the bed at 5:00. I didn’t want to wake him and be rude so i went downstairs and he finally got up an hour later or so and came down. I want to soak up all the time we do have togther but a lot of times he is just whatever. it scares me.
Post # 8
I don’t see my FI at all. He starts his first job @ 4:30 am and his second job is 3:30-11:30pm. I work from 8-4. We see each other on the weekends. during the week we call each other about 3 times a day, but they are usually very short conversations.
Post # 9
@ButterflyDoll: Yeah I understand your concern, that’d kind of worry/tick me off as well. Is he just tired from work? Drained? Maybe just express that he doesn’t seem so enthusiastic to be home with you and that it’s making you feel sad/scared. FI and I are on Cloud 10 when we do get to see each other and if he wasn’t excited there’d be some issues!
Post # 10
My DH works 7pm till 5.30am, so he has to leave work at 6pm, and I work 8am-4pm, so we only very briefly get to see each other in the evenings, and thats if I dont end up in traffic. Its really hard to think that as other people are sttling down for their time together in the evening, hes getting ready to leave for work. But, it is what it is, we see each other at weekends, and we talk for a short while in the morning before I go to work.
Dont feel so bad that he isnt going nuts with excitement over spending every possible moment with you. I know with my DH,he is exhausted a lot of the time and although he really does try hard to spend time with me sometimes he really just has to hit the hay!
Post # 11
DH doesn’t have a set schedule (truck driver), but he usually works 8 AM-6 or 7, but often it runs to 9-10-11-12’oclock before he’s off. I work 545-2:30, so I’m gone before he gets up and don’t get to see him until he’s off, and if he gets off too late, I’m already asleep. It sucks, but we have every Sunday off together, so we make the most of it.
Post # 12
Some people just aren’t that expressive. Just because he doesn’t jump up and down doesn’t mean he’s not happy to be with you. Unless he’s expressive about everything else and only reserved about this, I wouldn’t take it so personally.
Post # 13
@ButterflyDoll: not exactly the night shift, but he works 3:30 pm-1am sometimes later, and I work 10am-7. I know how you feel. We have wednesdays off together, otherwise I only see him for the brief 30 seconds he comes and kisses me on the forehead after work and vice versa when I leave in the am. Unless he has a day off, then I see him when I come home.
It gets hard for me often, but we figure if we work hard now, we will live happier later.
As far as him showing emotion, that depends. Sometimes he will be really clingy, send me texts at work when he has a day off saying he misses me, other days I will come home and need some cuddle time and he will kinda scoot away. We both work stressful jobs that suck our energy, so we just live with it. I would suggest letting him know you need some sort of reassurance you’re missed/needed. He might not realize how hard it is for you (:
Post # 14
You said your husband works at a correctional facility. This might have something to do with his lack of expressed emotions. During my criminal justice class in college we read a book called Newjack, Gaurding Sing Sing, it was a really insightful look into what actually goes on in a prison. One thing that the author talked about that really stood out to me was how he felt that he had to shut down his emotions while he was at work, and then when he went home to his family he had a hard time turning them back on.
I would talk to your husband about how you feel and how he feels, because that is something you should both know about each other. He may actually be excited to spend time with you, but is forgetting to express those emotions. If he’s not excited, then that’s something you need to address.
In the mean time you might want to check out that book. It might or might not help you understand what his work is like a bit more, at least it’s an interesting read.
Post # 15
SO basically has to work until the work is done. He doesn’t have a specific time when he gets off. He goes in, in the morning and, like right now (8:30pm) still isn’t home. There’s been times he works all night, or when he comes home at a decent hour, but has work to do from home. Then he’ll have a length of time when he’s home at 5:30 for awhile. Sometimes he also has to work on weekends.
Luckily, he may be getting an opportunity to switch departments into a more 9-5 schedule *crosses fingers*
When he’s at work, I try and keep busy and enjoy my time. I do get down about it and express it to him.
Post # 16
@ButterflyDoll: I’m a nurse and so is my FI. I work 7p-7a and he usually works 7a-7p. Recently he has been doing more night shifts so that has been nice. We try to schedule our work days and days off the same if we can. It’s hard, though.
Once we have children I will be switching to days and he will stay nights, so I am not looking forward to that.