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So I am applying what WMMB taught me....And I'm just accepting things for what they are and "going with the flow". I'm not letting things bother me like a cancelled date, or a friend getting engaged. I decided to test this little theory today.
For the last 2 weeks J and I have been trying to make plans to meet up after work at a new restaurant we have been DYING to try. Our plans kept getting cancelled due to working late, bad weather, sickness, etc... Last night J PROMISED we'd go tonight. Around 3:30 I get a text from him..... "Hey baby. Listen I'm really sorry but do you think you could just cook dinner tonight? I'm going to be working pretty late..We'll go to Patricks some other time." I immidiatley got uber dissapointed and started furiously texting back "I can't believe you're bailing on me again! UG I have been waiting weeks for this to finally......delete delete delete..... "Okay babe. We'll go this weekend." I wanted to yell at him, but I held back and just "went with the flow"
2 seconds later I got a reply... "I am so proud of you for not getting upset! That's the response I was looking for! I'll pick you up at your office at 5:30 and we'll go to dinner ;) "
I was shocked! The no whining/complaining thing actually works! Had I done what I originally planned, I'd be slapping together some hamburger helper and arguing with J. Instead we had an awesome meal and great drinks! HACHACHA! This waiting thing ain't so bad anymore!
@EleanorRigby: That's what I thought! Was he just waiting for the right response to take you out? LOL, I know it goes against the point, but that would piss me off.
@EleanorRigby: Yes he was. He knows I've been reading WMMB and we had that discussion the other night about me being patient and learning to just relax and go with the flow.
Lol - awesome! Not only are you happier, but your blood pressure is probably down, too!
Why is it not okay? I've had a serious problem with getting upset of very little things like a cancelled date. I promised J the other night I would work on this....he presented a scenario to me to see if I could handle it, and I was able to. I for one, am proud of myself!
I think it is great that you did not get upset :)
But- for me personally- allowing someone to "test me" and then reward me... is sort of... condescending somehow. I just don't think it exudes confidence, which is what I understand to be the lesson of WMMB (although I have never read it).
But, I don't know your relationship... it was sort of just a knee-jerk reaction.
I'm not going to be helpful here, I'm just going to crash and ask what WMMB is? I googled it and (because of my zip code, in WI) it came up with "Wisconsin Milk Marketing Board".
Hahaha, love the WI result. It's a book, "Why Men Marry Bitches"
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
half way through reading your post, i was like, uh oh...he did a test on her... and for me personally testing is something that i wouldn't accept.
but once ive finished reading the whole thing i could understand where you two coming from. you are VERY young and you are working on this specific problem which you are improving!
keep up your good work and you'll find yourself become a mature lovely young lady!
I have to agree with a few of the previous posters and say that I would be offended if my husband did something like that. I'd feel like a child or a puppy who does something right and then gets a treat, not like an adult who makes my own decisions. It would strike me as condescending. Obviously, it's great that you didn't get upset about that, and I think that's great progress! I just think him testing you is weird. Couldn't he just wait until a real situation like this came up and see how you responded?
i am so proud of you for working on being patient and understanding.
however, i am not a fan of his "testing" you and basing your plans on how you react.
these tests and games that people play in relationships seem so petty and shallow to me. i just don't get them, and i sure as heck can't play them.
That book is incredible. It makes so much sense, and it's so easy: Just be yourself. Have fun. Do the hobbies and things you enjoyed doing before you and your S.O. started dating, don't get upset over little things. The result? He'll want you even MORE because you're independant and strong. Men really love that in a woman. Just don't be available 24/7 for him. Make him wonder sometimes. You have a life too, you know...
I've been doing this for the past few weeks and let me tell you... WOW. Example: Last night J was late coming home from work AGAIN. Normally I'd be angry and text him cuz i've already made dinner and it's sitting there getting cold. But not this week. I held off. Last night he called me 4 times, and left TWO voicemails saying that he'd be late again. I didn't get the messages until an hour later. I called him back and played it cool. When he came home, he was very appreciative and loving. It was fantastic.
Gwen.
@mrsmdphd: I agree as well. It does seem condescending. I would be angry.
It's good that you didn't get upset, that's great! I would just be a little concerned that he thinks he should "test" you.
the testing thing aside, I think what you're doing is SO IMPORTANT to do for so many reasons! Good for you!
I have the same problem, and my technique is whenever something happens and I have a kneejerk reaction, I have to remind myself to take a step back and I will myself to see the positive side of things. 9/10 there's always a silver lining--sometimes a pretty big one too!
Gwen von D - You commented that the book tells you to "just be yourself". It seems like "herself" is someone who gets mad at little things. Isn't this book telling her to "not be herself"?
Just a question, not trying to start a fight. But if her nature is to be a little short tempered, will it work in the long-run to constantly try and curb that? Or would it be more beneficial to find someone who accepts it and loves her anyways?
hmmmmm. While I think it's great that you didn't blow up over this, I don't like that he feels the need to test you. This reminds me of being in school or on a game show. That show that's like, "what would you do?" Where they show a scenario and catch how people respond. I'd be pissed. But hey, good for you!
@CanAmBride: Interesting question CanAmBride! I was wondering the same thing.
I am glad the OP handled the situation SO WELL. I just hope that your bf had not tested you. He could have waited for a real situation to arise. And they are not hard to come by in the real world that we live in. And if he was anxious to test you, he could've called back later and said that whatever he had to do was canceled/postponed etc. There is no need to tell you it's a test if he is even going to sink that low in the first place. I'd be wondering from now that if there is an issue from here on that if it is a real issue or another test? Sorry it feels like I am rambling on but that just rubbed me the absolute wrong way!!
I agree with the previous posters in that I am happy that things worked out for you, but I would not be ok with my husband testing me. It would make me feel like a child. As long as you are ok with that, then I am happy for you.
Yeah, well done for "going with the flow," but, I, too, would NOT be okay with being tested like that.
Am I the only one who thinks the appropriate response to his cancellation (fake though it was) would have been some rational and calm expression of disappointment, like, "I understand that you need to work late and I don't mind cooking dinner at home, but I am disappointed that we have to postpone the dinner again, after you promised we'd go tonight." It's possible to speak up for yourself without losing your temper.
I haven't read WMMB (I didn't even know what the acronym stood for), but it sounds like the philosophy it's espousing, at least in this example, is demeaning to women and dismissive of potentially valid emotional responses. While I do think you're right to try to go with the flow in general, if my husband "PROMISED" to go to dinner one night after postponing it for 2 weeks and then called at the last minute to say, "baby can you just cook dinner at home," I would be disappointed. I wouldn't fly off the handle, but I would express my disappointment and acknowledge the valid response that it is to that situation.
I am probably making waaay to much of this, but I just hate to see situations where a man has 100% control, and the woman is expected to be ready to adapt to his needs at any time, with a smile. And woe betide the woman who speaks up for herself!
@stillme: I agree with you - that would have been my reaction too.
Like other ladies have said, I’m also not ok with being tested and rewarded after you give in and don’t say what you’re really thinking, but I’m older and cranky about any sort of game playing in a relationship lol
@stillme: No, you are not along at all in thinking this. I would be disappointed, especially after the date had already been canceled a number of times prior. And being disappointed, is a normal feeling.
Personally, if I had been in this situation, I would have been annoyed that FI canceled our date and told him such. However, if he then had the audacity to say "I am so proud of you for not getting upset! That's the response I was looking for! I'll pick you up at your office at 5:30 and we'll go to dinner ;) "....well, let's just say we would not be going to dinner, nor would I be cooking anything for him.
Wow. I am married but still like reading the forums because I love all things wedding related. So I found this thread and just had to join so I could post. To the OP, are you crazy? I mean, seriously girl, why do you think it's ok for your boyfriend to demean you that way? Because that's what it is, demeaning and degrading and if I say if he can't accept or love you for who you are, then he should hit the road. Seriously. My husband would never dream of doing something like that to me because he knows I would kick his a$$ ! Wake up girl. He's "proud of you"???? What are you? 4 years old and you just learned to tie your own shoes? It always amazes me that some women think they have such a great guy in their lives when the likes of your boyfriend, I have kicked to the curb countless times !
@stillme: Agreed
There's a fine line between 'going with the flow' and letting someone walk all over you. I think you'd absolutely be in the right to be upset he canceled on you and tell him no, i'm not going to cook dinner at the last minute, if you're going to be that late I'll go out with my friends and you can fend for yourself for dinner.
OP: I *totally* appreciate that you are learning to be more even-tempered, and I'm sure you didn't intend for this kind of reaction on here, so my heart goes out to you. But I do think there is a balance between being righteously pissed off at your bf canceling your plans and being over-reactive to every little disappointment. You may be trying to find that equilibrium, which is great, but this seems incredibly unfair for your BF to expect you to not care at all that he flaked out AND put the burden on you to cook for him at the last minute.
@Young.love: From the comments above, I don't want you to think that your response to the situation was the "wrong" one. The ladies posting above are married, engaged, or single and we offered different perspectives to the situation. Once again please don't take some of the response to heart & feel bad, and just realize the situation would have been different if they were in your shoes. Personally, and you might not give a heck about what I have to say, I would have been upset; but if you are happy..Good for you.
New bee here coming out of the shadows to respond to this one. I'm glad that you are trying to look within yourself and try to work on things to help make yourself a better person/partner (dealing with your short temper). I've also read WMMB and I really dont see it as so much of a game playing manual, but as a 'go live your own life and be your own person and the man will follow'.
If this happened to me, I would have said 'ok, thats fine honey'. Then I would have called my girlfriends and gone to this new restaurant without him. Show him that you dont necessarily need him to be calling all the shots and you dont have to waiting for him to do the things you want to do. He'll learn quick that if he doesnt want to miss out on these fun things, he'll have to get it together next time. Secondly, there would be no way I would be making dinner for him after he cancelled a date on me. He can order pizza - I'll be out with my friends. Not only is this healthy for the relationship, its healthy for YOU to develop friendships and not put all your energy into one person.
Just my 2 cents...
@Young.love: I quote you: "I'm not letting things bother me like a cancelled date, or a friend getting engaged"
Can I just point out that a cancelled date (or many of them) and a friend getting engaged (especially if you've been with your boyfriend a while and he is testing you like this) are not "little things", they are valid reasons to "feel bothered".
The majority of women here agree that they would be angry at their partners for testing them. I would feel hurt, betrayed, demeaned and degraded. Those are serious red flags.
The book teaches women respect and how to get it. It teaches women to not cater to their SO's every need. If you do you loose respect, and he looses interest, and the relationship looses its luster. Therefore by remaining calm, confident, strong, and independent it will bring him in closer because he see's that he can't just walk all over you. She can tell him how she really feels about being 'rescheduled' again, but in a calm voice. If you have a temper or whatever, and that's 'being yourself', that's fine. He is going to expect you to loose your temper. The man will ASSUME she will yell and scream, HOWEVER if you remain calm and in control of your emotions, he takes her more seriously because she is in control of herself.
In this instance, he kept canceling the date. He needs to realize that he can't reschedule it each and every time he pleases and think that the woman will be available to him all the time. She has a life too, and he needs to understand that. If not, his loss. If he wants to go on a date with her then he needs to set a time. If he can't make that time, then he needs to tell her well in advance. If he changes the dinner date time from say… 5pm to 9pm, then she needs to speak up and say something like: "Thank's, but 9pm is too late and I have to get up early for work\have commitments after dinner that can't wait 'til then\want to get a head start on a project… etc." You get the idea. It's not a game or a test she's doing to him. It's making him understand that he can't take advantage of her, and he needs to realize that she can't be at his every beck and call 24\7. She has a life too.
Gwen
I think this strategy of not saying what you really feel and think is ridiculous. I mean do I think you should have written your angry ""I can't believe you're bailing on me again! UG I have been waiting weeks for this to finally." text, because you were angry and it was written in the moment. But I don't see what the problem in saying to your b/f " Hey I was really looking forward to going out to dinner tonight, but if you're working late I understand. Let's really try and make it to dinner this weekend because I've really been looking forward to going out with you" I think it conveys that you understood what he said, while still getting your feelings across.
The whole issue with him rewarding you for giving him a desired response raises red flags all over the place. Not only is it manipulative, but it's like he's trying to train you into the girlfriend he wants. I can tell you one thing, if my FI did this the next conversation we had would get him going with the flow in how things work in a modern and equal relationship.
Here's a silly but relevant example from The Office.
I agree with everyone who is calling the OP out on this one.
Holy manipulative and demeaning, Batman. This does NOT sound like a healthy relationship to me. But to each his/her own, I guess...
@Gwen von D I am all for being a strong, independent woman and using that to your advantage in a relationship. Where I see the disconnect between what you say the book is about and what young.love is doing is this:
The book wants you to enhance your life so that your first reaction when your SO cancels plans is "no big deal, I have other things I can do". It seems that people are interpreting it as when your SO cancels plans you think "That A-Hole! I want to kill him", but your reaction to him is to make it seem like "no big deal, I have other things I can do"
It's the difference between pretending to become a more independent woman and actually doing it....
i would NOT be okay if fi tried to "test" me and then rewarded me with food. that's what i do to my dog.
stillme and divergirl already raised my other concerns about this situation perfectly.
@CanAmBride: That's the thing... You have to be independant and NOT fake that you have better things to do. Just do your own thing.
I dunno, just my 2cents :)
Gwen.
@Miss Ginger Tea: I don't think this is a constructive way to respond and get your message across. It just makes you look like a jerk. While I agree with the many previous posters who think this idea of OP's boyfriend testing her and rewarding her for responding the way he wanted is extremely problematic, you aren't actually contributing to the discussion with a comment like this.
@Gwen von D: I think you are right about what the book says - but that's the opposite of what the OP actually did in practice. Putting into practice the book would mean her saying, "Okay that's really annoying that you need to cancel - but since you're busy, I'm going out with my friends, you can figure out your own dinner". That would be showing him she's "not at his beck and call". Saying "do whatever you want, I'll cook dinner, you can be late, whatever you want is fine, honey".. is the opposite of that message.
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