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Hive hug!
But first, I would tell the FI to back-off. Being aggressive towards your PARENTS is simply not acceptable. Yes, there is major reason to be upset but to argue over money with the in-laws (or soon to be inlaws) is rude and crass. The money was a GIFT. And honestly, how does it make you feel with having yor FI bash your parents because they didn't give you "enough" money? Shesh.
That being said, breath! It will be okay! You're going to be okay!
It may be the time to start looking into other ideas for a wedding. Maybe a community hall where you can decorate yourselves and bring in your own alcohol, which would help cut costs. Maybe a backyard wedding filled with friends and family that have amazing talents? If you're truly flexible about what kind of wedidng you have, you could work some magik.
Please talk it over with the FI once he's calmed down. Maybe his family will have an inside scoop on great, unknown places for weddings in the area? Maybe get married asap and plan a bigger reception later on his home-turf?
Breathe! It will be okay.
Oh, a big, big, big hug first. I'm sorry that this is happening. Try not to freak. There are some things that you can do and that might help. First, talk to your FI and see how much the two of you can save together? 7k is a lot and might be hard for the two of you but if you can do 3 or 4K that is a good start. From your post, it seems that your parents have money. If they are not wanting to give you the full 15k, maybe they'd be willing to loan you what you need. They can give you money and you pay them back after the wedding.
Also, try and think of things that you can cut out or have friends help with. Example, you can do your own flowers, instead of musicians you could have a DJ, and shop around for finding your dream dress but at a lower cost. If you cancel the inn, is there a family or a friend's backyard that you can have it at?
I know that it's really hard to think of all the adjustments you'll have to make but it can be done.
On a side note, I don't want to judge your FI, but he doesn't seem to be very understanding. (There might be more to the story, though.) I just feel bad for you because you feel torn between your FI and parents. He needs to remember that the money your parents are giving is a gift and should not be expected. So even though they are going back on their word, you can't force them to give you the money.
Thank you, Tenille. To clarify, he didn't speak with my parents, he spoke with his. We both accept that 7k is still very generous, but it's definitely not 15. :)
Thanks for the hug. I'm feeling better already.
Oh sorry Kolodny, I should have been clearer. I knew he was talking to you and not your parents about this. But I meant that you having to hear it was sucky, especially at such an emotional time right now.
Dude, that sucks. Especially to hear while holiday shopping.
Something about your post caught my attention. You're getting married in Vermont where it's convienient for his family... is his family kicking in any money? What were you and your FI planning on saving for the wedding?
@CHK His family is paying for the rehearsal dinner. We both were planning on putting in 1-2k since we both need to buy rings as well, and 2k would allow for the inevitable 'overshot budget.' We've crunched our numbers and we can squeeze out 6k between us. We already weren't planning on honeymooning, but we really wanted to have decent savings.
hug. You'll be okay. you have time to make some changes and you'll end up with a beautiful wedding that is going to be full of wonderful memories. it may not be what you originally planned, but it'll still be gorgeous!
((hugs)) Don't worry, you will get through this!
If saving an extra 7k for a wedding would take you five years of scrounging and "putting your life on hold," please please please do not spend that 6k that you and your fiance could squeeze out of your accounts. So many things can crop up in life that you're not expecting, and you may need that 6k as a cushion someday soon. Financial stability in your marital future is much more important than having floral centerpieces or a live band at the wedding.
You can definitely have a gorgeous wedding for 7k-- it's just going to take some readjusting and prioritizing. If his parents are already hurt about not being involved, I say definitely utilize that resource, to help you find a new place to have the wedding.
Good luck!
Hug. :(
I'm so sorry to read about your woes. But don't despair... you really do have plenty of time to get things settled. And it's a misunderstanding, and it's the holidays. All good reasons to try to find the faith that this is going to work out and you're going to have a beautiful wedding.
I would suggest the first thing to do would be to ask your fiance to ask his parents whether they can help at all with the wedding in any additional ways. And maybe at the time your fiance should suggest to them that if you two aren't able to come up with the extra money, you may have to consider a different location altogether. $7K is a nice amount of money for a private destination wedding someplace luxurious. :) It may not be what you originally envisioned, but I do see here that you're making the sacrifice to have fewer family and friends present since they'll have to travel to Vermont. Given the financial situation, perhaps your fiance may need to make the same sacrifice, and you get married someplace where both sides will need to travel.
I certainly don't suggest that you use this to threaten them; however, if they realize that their output might be more for airline tickets, they might be willing to help in new ways.
If not, then give serious consideration to a destination wedding.
Just my two cents. Good luck. Hugs again.
ick ((HUGS)) can you see if switching your date to a non-busy weekend will decrease your costs? perhaps you could go for a winter wedding or a late autumn one? also can you skip the dinner for the weekend... did you mean the dinner for your reception? Can you get married earlier in the day, perhaps in the afternoon or even have a great early morning ceremony and a brunch reception?
I had a thought since my last post.
Weddings never used to be the way that they are now, where couples shell out tens of thousands of dollars on one day of their lives. Even our parents' generation didn't do this. At least not my parents' generation. It's only within the past two decades or so that weddings have taken on such massive proportions.
Think simple. Think what's important. Forget about what you know and what you've seen. And remember that if your wedding looks and feels like every other wedding, it's not going to be all that memorable to everyone.
Ok, update and another question. Fiance talked to his parents and we've decided to keep the place where we're having it, but reduce to the cheapest package. His dad is also giving us 4k. I guess this is more of a question of North and South, but I am really embarassed this has happened and don't know if I should write him a thank you note. I'm really confused. We're putting up the extra money, but I don't know. His family doesn't really do them and my praising makes him uncomfortable, so how do I say thank you and how do I stop feeling overwhelmingly emabarrassed?
I am glad things are starting to come together for you. I would send your future father in law a little gift. In the note, just put something saying thank you for the wonderful welcome/blessing for the wedding. If you send it, you can both be a little uncomfortable without haveing to be embarrassed in front of each other, but you will both know the other one is very thankful for the other one. I hope that makes sense.
That's awesome that his family was able to help out! I'd definitely just send a really nice gift for him saying you're so excited that the amount he gave will allow y'all to have the wedding you've dreamed of.
I'm glad everything was worked out. I JUST had a similar situation happen. My parents agreed on a 10k budget a year and a half ago for the wedding. We were already having a long engagement to allow for them to pay for it, it was important to them and we had no money for any kind of a wedding since we were both still in school. 6 months to go and they've only put a small deposit on the photographer and FI and I put down 2k on the venue with a setlement from an accident I was in. We were getting anxious about the looming costs and sat down to talk. My father bought my mom a nice computer for Xmas, at least 2k, and I was so hurt that they were clearly putting the wedding on the back burner after agreeing to pay that amount. Big discussion, lots of tears and now they are asking us to postpone it another four months bc now their finances are strong but 6 months is still too little time for the kind of wedding I want. I would've lost that whole deposit if we'd have cancelled, which was money "earned" through a tramatic experience and at the time the wedding gave me hope. There are plus sides to us waiting, mainly less stress, but we still have to reschedule with our booked vendors and are taking half our honeymoon, a cruise we couldn't reschedule, during our scheduled honeymoon of early July.
Less than ideal but FI wanted a nice family wedding as opposed to eloping and parents wanted to pay for a nice wedding. Four more months though, for me, wasn't a lot to wait for considering I intend on staying with FI for the rest of my life!
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Three months ago, I had the sit-down with my parents. They asked me how much I could do my wedding for and I showed them the budget for 15k. They said, "We can do that," and wrote my a check for 3k so I could put down the first deposit.
We're having a 'destination' wedding in Vermont (his family lives there, not mine), so we have a contract that rents us the whole inn and provides dinner for our weekend in October. After getting quotes from 87 vendors (no exaggeration), I have sitting on the table next to me, the contracts for our photographer, musicians, tent, chairs, and dance floor, flowers, and the photo of the dress that I tried on and loved. But they're not signed. Why?
Yesterday, I went holiday shopping with my parents. When we leave one of the stores, I slide up to my dad and ask him very politely for the next "wedding injection" so I can put deposits down. He says, "I already gave you all the money." I replied, "Well, that was to reserve the inn. I sent you an email last month saying I would need more for December and would that be ok, and you said yes." And he said, "Haven't I given you all seven?"
...
"7?"
...
"Yeah, your mom and I were paying for half, and ** and you were going to pay the other half. OMG, L., did you think we were giving you 15k? That's a 7k mistake! You're in deep. Let's ask your mom."
So we wait for my mom to come out of the store and she agrees with my dad, and I'm just left standing there with a smile on my face feeling pretty numb. We come home and my dog has gotten out and peed on my mom's furniture, which did not go over well. I called my ** on the way home and told him that we were only getting 7k and not 15k, and that didn't go well either (he's very aggressive, i'm very passive).
Had I heard that they were only paying half, I wouldn't have booked this inn. 7k is still very generous and I'm grateful that they would offer it, but I had budgeted and had all these contracts for 15k. ** is livid that they 'retracted' their offer citing quotes from them like, "15k. That's a down-payment. You should elope and spend it on a house instead."
Honestly, I'd be happy just going to Canada for a weekend with him and eloping with just ourselves. He says his family will hate him (his parents have both been driving me nuts with 'suggestions' and feel hurt for being uninvolved-a whole 'nother story) and that's not going to work. I agreed to a VT wedding because that's what he wanted and I didn't care how it went down. He thinks my parents have now deprived us of the 'wedding of our dreams' and is exuding animosity and has already called his parents to see if they can put up money (which I asked him not to do) and I'm mortified [his family struggles, and mine, well, doesn't].
I feel so lost. I'm torn between my fiance and my parents, I need to scrounge up 7k, which could happen, but we'd have to put life on hold for the next five years and I don't think it's worth it. We already have a bare-bones guest list. I can cancel the inn, but we'd have no other place to do it. Our wedding is on the busiest weekend in south-central VT and everything's already booked. I number crunched a lower package, but it still only saves us 1k. I don't know what to do.
Y'all are good at coming up with ideas. Can you give me any advice, or a hug? (Big hug)