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Yyyyyeah that's really not an okay thing. I have had something similar happen. There was a woman I worked with who kept telling me "oh, you'll change your mind". She's been married and divorced twice, so I suppose it makes sense. Anyhoo, eventually she came to me to tell me she was sorry if she'd offended me, so a bit of a different story.
Depending on how far it goes, it could constitute harassment. I think it's perfectly fine to calmly and privately let her know that her comments are inappropriate and hurtful and you would like her to please stop. If she doesn't, contact your supervisor and inform them of what's been going on, including your attempt to stop it. If that doesn't work, it's time to go to HR.
Good idea. Unfortunately our HR is a total whack job, but maybe they could at least help with this.. I don't like my job as is, and her being a bitch is just making it all the worse...
No wonder she doesn't have a boyfriend! 
I can't say that I've experienced this, but I could def. see it happening. And I feel your pain with not being able to come up with a quick, witty response to things. I always think of the BEST thing to say back to someone like an hour later. LOL Oh well... I think with this type, you just have to kill her with kindness. Sounds like she likes getting you worked up. Whenever people at work tick me off (and they know it), I make sure to be extra nice to them. And I know they can't stand it!!! Muhahaha
Oh no!!! I don't really have to deal with women in my office, but my manager sorta went on and on about how silly big diamonds are and how she's so happy she only has 1/2 c to deal with, anything else is too gaudy, etc etc. It was super awkward for me, being a brand new employee and all.
TOo bad they did away with social graces in high schooL! I think you need to start saving some of your own little quips for this woman. /And seriously, who gives you shit about your weight at work?!?!?! That's DEFINITELy a no-no. If it keeps up, anonymously turn her into HR for something about her behavior, lol.
aahh yes the miserable women all come to a head once ya get the ring. I've had a couple of little things like that myself. You know what I do.. shake those haters off and show them tha bling! haha so sad that women have to be that way.
In my fantasy world, the appropriate thing to say to this woman the next time she says something evil to you is, "Why are you being such a bitch?" She sounds like the person who would clam right up if she's confronted on her behavior. People like this are rude to whoever will let them be.
Of course, that's probably not the right response for someone who wants to keep their job, so I can only say good luck! And try not to let it get to you. This is obviously her problem.
I'd go to the boss. My boss would not stand for this if someone were treating me this way--it makes you less productive!
Call me petty, but I would be a B right back. After one of her snide remarks, bring up something fabulous about your life or your wedding planning and pretend like she didn't even faze you. For example..."Oh my gosh! did you get bit by a bug???" "No its totally a zit, I ate the most amazing chocolate cake when we were doing cake tastings...yeah chocolate makes me break out but its soooo worth it" then walk away, she'll feel stupid. See I'm totally petty
I'm so sorry you have to deal with her and others who appear to be jealous and are taking it out on you. My only advice is to just keep being nice and hope she gets past it soon.
If it makes you feel better I have a cousin who is unmarried in her 30s and at my bridal shower she make a comment about me getting married before her (I was 22 at the time) and how she would kill her daughter if she got married before her (her daughter is 16). This cousin is not at all into fashion (she wore a white dress to my wedding btw) and proceeded to tell my other, very fashionable cousin how ugly her dress was at the bridal shower. My other cousin was so shocked she didn't know how to respond!
I LOVE myra's comeback! LOVE IT! :) Especially if your boss/hr doesn't end up doing anything
Ugh, don't you just hate it when jealousy rears it's ugly head? Hang in there with the coworker (you have a pretty ring to look at! ;) And I hope your week gets better, sorry Monday didn't go so well...
This is why I love weddingbee!! It always feels like a giant, awesome sleepover when all these rad women reply!! Myra, your comment is awesome!!! I'm going to try to remember that. I bitched about it to my mom and of course she said the same thing, she's just jealous so remember who has the awesome fiance and gorgeous ring! Yay for August!!
Kill her with sweetness. Don't snap back because (as luck always has it) you'll get in trouble. I would tell a supervisor that it is making you uncomfortable. If nothing changes go to HR.
Sorry she is being so wretched!
coughing i'd tell her how very lucky she is to be able to go home ALONE every night and to not have to deal with things like dress fittings for the most perfect wedding dress, and how comforting it must be for her to not worry about having a MAN and being in her 30s, or you could ask her if she worries about her eggs or anything like that because you're beginning to worry about yours now and you're x amount younger than her. :D or you could let me call your job and i can ask for you :P... i think i've gotten mean in my old age?!
LOL i would go with myras comment..thats pretty funny. I have run into this too, it brings out personality disorders in people for some reason
i haven't had to deal w/anything THAT bad but some of the older women at work just kinda look at me and say "oh my gosh...you're so young, are you sure?" i'm 23 will be 24 when we get married, FI is 25; we've been dating almost 5 years. then i started to notice the only ones saying things are the ones who are 35, 40+ and divorced and miserable. oh well, its not about them, don't let them bring you down! you're happy and they're not, thats all there is to it.
Hello! Here's a 40 year old who's happy and divorced and happy for all my friends who have gotten engaged recently. (one was one of my students in fact who is 22) and age really doesn't have anything to do with this. Most of my friends who are single (I have a few in their 30's and early 40's) and aren't at all mean or jealous or even worried one ounce of how many candles are on their next birthday cake. If we have a younger engaged friend, that's great!
I'm very sorry all this wierdness has taken place at your work, but seriously it's all about that person. I don't view age as being any part of it. She just sounds..unhappy period.
What is the common denominator amongst the seemingly jealous or mean-spirited people, is it's about them, their attitude and that crosses all age borders. If you're mean at 20, odds are you'll be not so nice at 30 and so on! Some people honestly don't like to see other people happy and love to attempt to rain on your parade. To these people, it doesn't matter unless they're happy and if you're happy then that's not a good thing to them.
She may be miserable. Unhappy herself, and probably has been this way for quite sometime. It may or may not even be man-related. Heck, I worked with a girl who was 10 years older than myself, and she was miserable each and every day. She finally got engaged, but was still the "rain on your parade" type of person and was miserable even though she was supposedly in love and getting married. Some people are just like that. They can be 20 or 80. Age is different from attitude as I've learned.
Just please don't give us older gals (and 40 is the new 30) any bad press because of an outdated stereotype. Not all of us are that way if we're single.
I was single again at 34 and let me tell you, the last thing I wanted to do after being divorced was date. I attended weddings, was truly happy for my friends, but didn't want to think of love again until my heart began to mend. Divorced gals, and girls over 30 and older can be your best friend if you let us.
i just logged back on to revise my post and saw yours bellenga!! what i meant (and should have typed) was bitter and miserable people, whether divorced or never even married (and SOME married and unhappy!!) i have alot of friends in their 30's whom i get along great with, and not all are married. i just noticed the ones who were making these terrible comments were just all around unhappy, i guess whether their divorce had something to do w/it or not! you're right though, she's probably been a rain-on-your-parade type of person her whole life!! so sorry that it came out the wrong way :o)
No problem. :)
My divorce didn't make me bitter or mean btw. I do agree with you that the person may just be that kinda person. I think it's a choice you make, whether to accept others and see a glass half full or exclude others by your actions and see a glass half empty.
All in how you look at life.
Some of us purposely waited until our 30's to get married... I would be cautious about assuming this an age thing... She's probably just a rude person, and no matter old she was, she'd still be equally snarky after your engagement.
I'd actually say, "You know you are hurting my feelings, right?" which would completely stop her in her tracks without being rude.
I do agree with Belle. There are plenty of 20 somethings that show their jealousy too. Time might make it worse. But regardless of her age, it's jealousy.
If she picks on you having a big zit again, hold up your ring and say, 'But it looks so small compared to my e-ring!" I'm bad.
I would give careful thought to the whole HR thing. Is she in your department? If not, your boss doesn't have authority over her. If she is being a jerk about a zit on your face... I don't know. To some degree, some stuff might look like just tattling. Calling you out on your weight is a little touchier. My first recommendation would be to try to avoid her as much as possible. (Ie. don't help her write anything, unless you have to.) If you can't really do that, I would catch her the next time she says something and ask why she seems to say hurtful things lately. What's changed? Tell her it embarrasses you etc. (Even though that's what she is after, it might make her gain some compassion, or at least accountability since you're calling her on it.) If that doesn't work flat out say that you don't appreciate her comments. And that she needs to stop. Then warn her that if she doesn't you'll have to report her. (She might stop. She might just talk about you behind your back.)
My comebacks tend to be to point out to the person how incredibly immature they sounds. For example, as she rants on and on about the bug bite, I would curtly say, "Thank you, you've made your point. Can we move on to something more relevant to the task at hand?" or "If you're finished, I have work to focus on."
I don't necessarily think that age has anything to do with it. I got married at 31 and all my single friends were extremely happy for me. I just think that bad manners know no age and this just happens to be a rude person.
I actually like Mrs. DG's suggestion of pointing it out to her that she's hurting your feelings. I have an aquaintance who tends to be pretty negative sometimes and I think she does it without thinking. Pointing it out might make her reflect a little on her actions and comments. Personally, I'd rather do that than make snide comments back. Don't let her drag you down to her level.
Unreal. I havent dealt with constant picking on, but there is one woman I work with who is 40, she's beautiuful, tall super skinny, but a notorious inappropriate dresser, loud mouthed, etc. She saw my ring one day and goes, "Are you getting married?!" and I said yes, in September, and she goes, "I'm sorry" and burst into laughter. I asked her what was so funny, and she goes, "I dont believe in marriage. Never have. Nobody is worthy enough to tie me down. What are you doing tonight?" I told her that then FI and I were going to dinner and then watching some pre-season football (heck YES! Fave past time), and she goes, "wow, what a life you have to look forward to...Now me, I'M going on a bar crawl in the West Village! THATS a life!" So I calmly said to her, "Did you ever think that you can't find a boyfriend because you're too busy barhopping? I went on bar crawls back in college! Never led me to a boyfriend..." Everyone around kinda smirked because they all wanted to say it. she was flabbergasted, but has been unnaturally nice to me since.
I went the snark route because at my job, I can. Needless to say, people will always be catty, jealous, and nasty for no reason at all. In your case, I love Myra's idea.
Whoooa that is pretty pathetic!!! Try to transform your hurt feelings into pity... that usually works for me! There's something satisfying about pitying someone who's being mean. It can change the power dynamics! :)
Yikes - she sounds like a very unhappy person. You will find rude and mean people everywhere you go - regardless of age and regardless of your season of life. You may be picking up on the vibe more now that you are engaged, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's the source of it.
Some people lack a social filter and put their foot in their mouth at all times.
You'll have to figure out what you can say that comes most naturally to you. I often find that I'm more sensitive to comments for things I'm more self-conscious about (appearance, weight, etc.) - and, it probably doesn't help that it's coming from this particular co-worker.
Just try to be sweet, shrug off their comments, and keep the peace in the office. If they are bitter to you - they are probably bitter to everyone. Steer clear as much as possible. Don't let them get you down!
Don't let other people's insecurities and negativity get to you...that is their poop. Even outside of weddings/engagements, when people behave like this it really bothers me...just because it isn't their happiness they can't just be happy for you. You really find out who your true friends are when they can't just say "i am so happy for you." Let it roll off your back because deep down they are the ones stewing on the inside, its not worth your time or worry...be happy for yourself without rubbing it in anyone's face (which I am sure you're not doing)
my fiance's "best friend" reacted to the engagement news with a 15 minute rant on how stupid people are for getting married, etc. I told my fiance that if he is so anti-marriage he need not attend. He's a horrible friend and without any badmouthing on my part, he is consistently digging himself a hole and out of a friendship. People who are jealous and behave like this usually have this come back to bite them.
I think you need to do your best not to engage her or get worked up because I'm sure she would like to see you upset and crying. I would look her straight in the eye and very calmly say, "Wow that's a very rude thing to say," and the turn around and walk right out. I bet it will shut her up and make her think twice about opening her mouth again.
Great suggestions, ladies!! I think it just caught me off guard. Next time, I'm comin' out swinging and will have a sassy comment back for her.
And I also want to say I didn't intend for my post to sound like I was bashing on older brides, because I'm totally not!! Marriage is a personal decision and I don't denounce anyone's decision or status about it - wether you're 18 or 65, it all comes down to love and age doesn't matter at all. The only reason I mentioned it is because she tends to make comments about how young I am and yadda yadda. (I'm 25 and have been with my fi for 8 years - so I have good grounds to say, shut it! when people jive me about how i'm too young) It goes both ways. But I hope nobody was offended by the age mention - I have no problem with older brides, unmarried women, divorced women or anything! I respect everybody if they respect me :) But, I apologize because I didn't mean for that to come off as a negative statement :)
Ooooh. I can't stand when people get on me about age and whathaveyou.
My boyfriend/soon to be fiance LOOKS a lot older than me, because bless his heart, he's got a receding hairline! I have always looked quite young (woo hoo I'll look GOOD when I'm 50! LOL) and when I tell people about my plans or get excited over date night, I get the "aren't you a little young, sweetheart?" This comes especially from an unmarried, divorced woman in one of my classes. She's in her 40's and can't STAND my happiness. And, she ALWAYS looks at my hand EVERY DAY to see if I've gotten my ring yet. (I picked it out...I'm just waiting on the dang thing!) So, yes... I've been there, and it sucks. I agree with the other girls, pull out your B card.
@SweetHeart - How old are you? Just curious, I'm new and I'm trying to get a feel for everyone here! :)
You ladies are hilarious, I love the potential comebacks! I got a TON of snide/passive aggressive remarks when I first got engaged from women who had been with their SO for years with no ring (NOT their choice, they definitely want to be engaged). The FI and I dated for 5 months before moving in together and getting engaged, and well I am sure you can imagine the types of comments that I would get! To be honest, I was sooo happy on my engagement high that it didn't really faze me, but when I think about it now I get a little irked ...
I would stick it right back to her. I am pretty outspoken, but in my opinion (wink), not in the annoying, meany type of way but in the way that I really don't put up with anyone's BS. I will call people out if they are being rude and if anyone says anything snarky to me I usually say it right back, just me. Sure, maybe it makes me a bitch, but in those situations I don't mind being one.
I haven't had to deal with this too much. I have one "friend" who reared her ugly head over it, but I try not to talk to her. I'm sorry you have to deal with something this extreme, though. I'd definitly talk to a higher up about it!
Sometimes people are just bitter, jealous and downright mean because they want what we have, or they wish they were as happy as you are.. mind you just because us newly engaged girls have pretty rings, doesn't mean everything is peaches and friggen cream! I wish people would have some grace and tact and mind their own biz. If theres nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.. whatever happened to that?
Best wishes sweetie..xoxo
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Has this happened to any bees? There's a woman at work that's in her 30s and unmarried, no boyfriend - ever since I got engaged she's been making nasty comments to me. Today I helped her with a statement she was writing, and when I went in to hand it in to her, she said "Oh my gosh! Did you get bit by a bug?" in regards to a huge zit on my face. I turned red and said "No, it's a zit!"She then proceeded to go on and on about huge it was and how red it is and how horrible it looks and I'm just standing there in shock, because most people have enough social grace to not pick on someone about something like a zit! She's also made my comments about my weight - for instance, I was eating a piece of candy and she said , "Uhoh, don't forget you have a wedding coming!". I'm probably too nice of a person and can't think of anything quick to say to counteract these snitty little remarks. Anyone else experiencing this?? What's even worse is after the whole zit thing she decided to bring up something I got in trouble about that happened months ago and really wasn't a big deal.. I am so sick of office politics!!! I really don't think I rub it in or brag about being engaged but I've noticed ever since I got a nice ring on my finger a lot of females have been a lot more snotty. Bah! Sorry, just had to vent!
Edited to add - not only did I have a crappy day at work, but I got jury summons and bad GRE scores in the mail. Sigh. Now I'm trying to sell something on Craigslist and the person I'm selling it to is being a total butthead... I wish it was Friday!