Post # 1
Being older (late 30s) I have seen the situation pop up a few times.
My BFF from grade school is married with 2 kids. He gets a letter from an attorney demanding a paternity test. It’s for a girl (10 years old) whose mother my BFF dated briefly. He found out she was PG after they broke up (she was cheating) but she told him it wasn’t his…in fact, she had unprotected sex with 2 other guys in the final stages of their relationship.
He takes the paternity test and finds out it IS his daughter. Her maternal grandparents are trying to get full custody of the girl as the mother has abandoned her multiple times. FULL custody to them meant he’d never see her. He was fine with it (girl lives 4 hours away), asked about child support (they didn’t want any) but he offered to provide health care…he still does.
Another woman I know (married and has 3 kids w/DH) had a kid in HS. Decides she wants child support when the kid is 12. Contacts the guy, paternity test revealed he wasn’t. She had to contact 2 other guys. All men were married, 1 had kids. She had run into a bad financial situation and was “hoping” to get back child support….which can’t happen in my state if the guy isn’t even aware a child exists.
My exH had a HS buddy that found out he was the father to girl that was 16!
Is it just me or do you think it’s unfair to disrupt someone’s life like this? All these men were MORE than willing to step up to the plate (financially) however as they have their own “families” they would rather not be involved. Not to mention these poor kids that are hopeful that THIS guy is going to turn out to be their father.
Post # 3
I can’t really understand this way of thinking at all. You sort out that mess at the time, surely?
The only exception would be if a woman has good reasons not for wanting the father in the child’s life, in which case you would tell them about their biological father at 18 and leave the rest up to them. The alternative would be 16, I suppose, if you live in an area in which they gain certain legal rights at 16.
Post # 4
@texasbee: My feeling is that if a man goes depositing his sperm inside women instead of into a condom, then he is responsible for the consequences, even 12, 16 or more years later.
I agree that the woman should sort it our earlier, but I don’t see why a man’s responsibility should vanish completely. Yes it’s less (because he’s saved 12-16 years of child support), but that doesn’t get him off the hook. His sperm, his child, his responsibility.
I don’t see how it’s unfair. If you’re a man and you have unprotected sex, that’s a risk you take.
Post # 5
@aussiemum1248: I agree. What is more sad is that in both those situations, the women had unprotected sex with more than ONE man…I can’t even imagine!
All those situations, the men were willing to step up financially. Emotionally I guess it was different though. The children did NOT want a relationship with their bio dad as they already had a father figure in the picture.
Post # 6
Nope. What if the bio father would have wanted a relationship from the start? I don’t think it’s fair for the child’s mother to pick and choose what the father knows depending on what suits her. You either want him to be a part of the child’s life or you don’t. Unless he is dangerous though I actually think it’s really unfair to keep that from him, because if it’s his responsibility to pay for the child then shouldn’t he also, you know, get to actually be a part of the kid’s life?
Post # 7
I think it’s fucked up to wait until the kid is older to seek paternity. Any trash bag ho who does that forfeits her right to child support IMO. Can you imagine what does to a child emotionally? If the relationship doesn’t work out between you and the father of your child that’s fine but one deserves to at least know the other exists. It’s bad enough to not know who knocked you up but it’s even worse to put your kid through anguish because of it.
Post # 7
There are two HORRIBLE things a woman can do to a man that are basically just beyond evil in my mind.
1. Fake a pregnancy
2. Hide a child
Of course that are some circumstances (violence) that creat exceptions, but I could not fathom doing that to someone I liked enough to hae unprotected sex with and to my child.