Post # 1
I just had a conversation with one of these types, and she was talking all about how she withholds sex when she doesn’t feel like he pays enough attention to her, how she feels so hurt that he takes his computer to bed (though she doesn’t say anything about it), how he doesn’t read the to-do lists she gives him, how she always fumes when he chooses to watch sports instead of cuddle, how she feels that he isn’t meeting her needs and that she shouldn’t have to make any more effort than she is making… maybe I’m just crazy idealistic, but this was such a depressing conversation!! I sort-of tip-toed around hinting that she might be expecting too much of him, and she just rolled her eyes and told me, “You’ll learn.”
Here’s the deal. I know her husband, and he is seriously one of the nicest and most fun guys ever. It bugs her that he’s so fun-loving and she resents that she does all the work and he doesn’t seem to notice that he happily benefits from the work without showing gratitude. The way she puts it, “He enjoys the meal I cooked and then wants me to sleep with him! The nerve!” I dunno… I kinda left the conversation feeling sorry for her husband. I also know that she is a pretty controlling woman whose daughter is struggling with an eating disorder which has partially come about as a reaction to her mom’s control issues.
It seems like she’s getting her value and worth from her husband, and as a result, she is resenting him for not meeting her expectations and missing out on the joy of being herself and enjoying life. I guess I’ve always assumed that a husband is someone to enjoy life with–not someone on whom our entire identity as a person should rely. It seems like doing that is seriously dangerous and is a great way to poison a marriage.
Seriously, girls. You can be honest. Am I being judgmental?
Post # 3
Some people are just unhappy and can’t see the good thing they’ve got going. Is she pessimistic about other aspects of her life?
Post # 4
@UK Bride: I think you’ve hit it right on the money. It is *she* that should learn, but she probably never will. 😉 Hang in there and don’t let miserable people like this bring you down. Wish them well, and maintain your realistic and positive outlook on marriage.
Post # 5
Nope, not judgemental at all. You are engaged, she’s not happy in her marriage. How close are you? She needs to keep that shit to herself. No need.
Post # 6
Unfortunatly there are plenty of these women and you will hear from them all when you get engaged/married…I’ve had my fair share. I pity them and just ignore what they say.
Post # 7
I don’t think I’d want to be around that person. It’s definitely depressing. I get kind of irritated with people who complain but don’t want to change the situation.
EDIT: Why spend her life being miserable? That’s what I always ask.
Post # 8
You have a great sense of what is going on. I guess its never fair to judge since you don’t live behind the closed doors with them, but the story sounds familiar 😉
It’s pretty common! A lot of woman in somewhat of a passive aggressive way will give you the vibe that marriage and men are not what they are cracked up to be. Extremely negative Blah blah blah. All the sitcoms and many movies make it out to be a similar scene as well.
Seems like a lack of communication and unrealistic ideals can lead to trouble! We all go through the rough spots but I’m assuming when most get married, they vow to work through them and come out even stronger!
Post # 9
It’s not just the women. My brother in law (sister’s husband) had the nerve to tell my fiance to “watch out” because “everything will change” when we get married, and that I will change too. What sucks is that my brother in law has been MY friend for over 10 years- longer than he’s known my sister. And he and my sister’s 3-yr marriage has been rocky since the beginning. Luckily my fiance just laughed it off- he knows better than to take any sort of advice from BIL.
So that being said, I think it’s best to steer clear of the negativity if possible, and to shrug it off when it’s hoisted upon us.
Post # 10
I quit pulling that passive-aggressive crap in relationships after high school. Is it really so hard to TALK to your partner instead of just expect that they know everything going on in your head?
This woman is going to send her own marriage down the tubes because she doesn’t think it’s her job to communicate in a straightforward manner. And the sad thing is she’ll blame him the whole way.
Post # 11
I’m gonna be honest… being married for 18 years… It hasn’t always been easy, and we have had our ups, and our very ups… and we have had our downs, and our down and outs… but when it all comes to it, We love eachother.
I do not use sex as a weapon and never have. So yes, will there be changes when you are married? Of course! because as you age, you grow. You can choose to grow together without losing yourself. or you can choose to grow together and see yourself attached to him, or you can just grow apart.
Nothing stays the same forever. So… All of this growing and learning, as long as you both have the same goal, you will be fine. Our goal together is just being us, through good times and bad, sickness and in health, richer or poorer, till death do us part.
So yes, you will learn… you will learn to pick your man up when he is down, you will learn how to share his joy, you will learn (if you haven’t already) his farts smell worse when he sleeps… And he will learn the same things a bout you (yea, even the farting thing…)
As long as you have the same goal in life, and are commited to eachother and are eachothers best friend, you will be alright 🙂
Thats all i got to say about that:)
Post # 12
Ahhh… I hate women like that. 4 of the 7 girls at work use sex as a weapon and they’re always saying that I’ll learn to do it too. I just keep my mouth shut because Fi and I have a better relationship than that and I feel bad for them…
Post # 13
I know lots of women who use sex as a weapon. It’s kinda crazy. I would just stay away from her or tell her you don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Post # 14
@UK Bride: Thats really sad.
Post # 15
It sounds like her marriage is suffering from a general lack of communication and a lot of secret hoping for fulfilled needs without actually expressing what they are.
That’s a recipe for divorce.
Learn from her instead of being annoyed.
Post # 16
Honestly a lot of what you said seems really horrible but the part about “He enjoys the meal I cooked and then wants me to sleep with him! The nerve”, I don’t think is totally out of line. My FI is amazing and often helps with cleaning up, especially if I’m the one that cooks, but on days that I prepare the whole meal and have it ready when he gets home from work, and then I clean everything up myself after a long day at work- you better believe I would be saying a big hell no to sleeping with him. For most women being interested sexually relates almost 100% to how they feel emotionally in their relationship at that point in time so call me crazy if feeling tired and slightly unappreciated doesn’t inspire me to get freaky.