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She probably didn't mention it because she was (it seems rightfully) afraid of how you would react and/or didn't want to steal your thunder on dress shopping day. I would talk to her and find out if there's a valid reason it NEEDS to be that date before you go off the rails.
Originally they were going to wait til she graduated next summer..but now they want to get married fall break...it just doesn't seem right..it's really going to make me feel like second best and I feel like it's going to interrupt her being my MOH...
Woah that's pretty crazy. I would be really pissed too. A few of my friends are also engaged at the same time I am but we were all pretty respectful when to schedule the dates. I think she owes you a pretty good explaination why she couldn't space the dates out any better. Really one week before are you kidding me she couldn't even give you a couple of months?
I don't get why this matters.
I'm not saying this specifically towards you, OP, as I've seen lots of these threads.
My cousin got engaged 4 months after me and is getting married a month before me...and I .... couldn't possibly care less. I just don't get it. Unless she's telling you she won't be able to participate in yours, why does it matter?
I guess I'm strange, but, I'd be excited to have one of my closest friends do all the fun "wedding stuff" with me, especially since I'd know she wouldn't get sick of wedding talk, like most other friends who aren't in that situation end up eventually feeling.
Why on earth does she "owe" her an explanation for her wedding date?!
Thats one of the most pretentious things I've ever heard?!
It sounds like the two of you need to get together and watch Bride Wars!
@mandypop: Not trying to be rude. I just think that friends should be more respectful of one another and not try to steal eachother's thunder. It almost sounds like the MOH is rushing her wedding a bit to show up her friend. Some spiteful women would do this. If she doesn't have a logical reason then it sounds like she is being spiteful. I know this wouldn't bug some people but it would certainly tick me off and in my circle of friends that certainly wouldn't fly. But everyone has their own take on that.
Let me see if I understand this. They don't want to wait until next year and have scheduled for the break in her school schedule. That break just happens to be near OPs wedding. OP is unhappy for someone, who as MOH is safely assumed to be a good friend, simply because the period in which it is likely easiest for the other couple to be married was chosen.
Sorry, OP, but you need to get over this. There are many reasons - especially legal and financial - why they may want to get married this year instead of next. It is not a personal slight against you.
Why does someone else's happy day make you feel second best? Is your day really so important to everyone around you that they should not be allowed to make any plans at all in the weeks approaching your wedding? Where do you draw the line with that kind of rule?
As for MOH duties, exactly what did she agree to do that she will be unable to do now? If she made you specific promises that she now won't be able to accomplish, then I agree that she should talk to you about that. Beyond that, you shouldn't have huge expectations or demands on her time as it is if she's a student.
I get that you weren't thrilled to find out from another friend about the date, but I don't think your reaction is a very mature one. Yes, you are getting married and it's a great day for you. It doesn't mean that everyone else needs to set aside their own lives for your single day. It doesn't mean you are second best.
I might be irritated if someone close enough to be my MOH decided (knowing full well the date of my wedding) to have hers THE WEEK before. Especially if you have overlapping social groups, it would be an adventure for two weedings in two weekends. I would try and talk to her, maybe there is a really good reason that it HAS to be then, so I would at least wait till the two of you can have a conversation before full panic mode.
Usually I am of the mindset that you get one day, but having your maid of honor do that is just plain weird, and for her not to at least mention it is also strange, but in her defense, maybe she was waiting for the right time when you both were alone and maybe she didn't want to freak you out on your day of dress shopping. Which would have been the nice thing for her to do. I would really sit down and talk to her about this, she may not have put any thought into how financially difficult or logistically difficult it would be for all your friends to have two weddings back to back. You also may want to talk to her on what she was thinking about logistics, you never know, she may surprise you and have this already all worked out in her head to make sure that you both have your special times.
@Jamcnair: How about trying to see this in a positive light: You two can now talk about your weddings and do wedding projects together!!!!! How fun is that?!
That would freak me out. I believe that other people don't need to interrupt their lives for your wedding, but... A WEEK BEFORE?
I'd be pretty confused if I was friends with both of you.
1. People will talk.
2. Two weddings? That's a big time commitment.
I don't know. Are you guys having similar bridal parties? That would bother me. That might be petty, but if girls ABC are in weddings 1 and 2 I'd feel like she took my maids! Again, that might be petty, but...
What kind of wedding is she having? What kind are you having? I think that could make a difference. If you're having an all-out bonanza and she's having a simply BBQ or something I could see it being different enough to get over it. If you're both having weddings at the same church or something and a similar reception.... I don't know. I think this would bother most people.
In some ways it really shouldn't matter at all, but I can totally understand the feelings you have!
@Jamcnair: That does sound a bit dodgy, I mean, why choose that date? If it was meaningful to the couple then I still would have thought she would have the guts to say to you before making announcements
Its her school break!!!
Speaking as a grad student myself - guess what - our dates were pretty restricted around my exam and clinical dates!! Fortunately it didn't come too close to any other weddings, but if it did - jeez - I hope my friends would be more understanding than some of you are... :P
I find it odd. Sure, you only get one day.... but really? I would be ticked too.
I would just verify that she is planning on postponing her honeymoon in order to be a part of your day.
Do you have similar guest lists? Not to be snarky, just send out your invites first.
And be sure that you have your own bridal shower/bachelorette. I know that a combo shower/party might save money, but it's the one and only time you get to have each of these events. It should be for you alone.
I think more people have to realize that weddings are not about being the center of attention. It bothers me so much that there are multiple threads where complaints about "thunder stealing" are the issue. Your wedding day is a celebration of your marriage, your families, and your friends who are happy to be part of the occasion. It's not your day to be a princess or the star of the show.
If your MOH has chosen a date the week before for whatever reason, you're just going to have to accept it and be happy for her.
@JustHappy: I AGREE! I hate all of this "my, my my" stuff that I've been reading lately! The wedding is about two people committing their lives to each other. On that special day, you're not going to be thinking about something that happened a week ago or even a month ago-- hopefully you're only going to think about the man you're marrying.
Yes!!!
And if you feel "second best" on your wedding day, thats not your friends' fault! Thats your own issue! Don't do that to yourself, OP!
Why do girls do this to themselves? Your wedding isn't about "thunder" its about MARRYING SOMEONE. And Im not saying this to sound mean - in fact, it makes me sad! There are so, so, so many things that we are not in control of (like our friends semester breaks) - why do we set ourselves up to think that those things are going to in ANY way lessen our weddings?
The amount of "wedding x weeks before mine!", "engagement x days after mine!", "zomg my bridesmaid is pregnant" posts are pretty astounding. These things can only ruin your wedding.... if you LET them!
Is this a wedding industry or Hollywood-ized wedding thing? Where does this come from? Not too long ago, it was common for family members to get married on the same day to save money. My FI's grandmother got married on the same day as her brother. The pictures are so fun and precious!! And my mom was a MOH for her cousin 2 weeks before her own wedding, and had TWO very pregnant bridesmaids. It was a complete non issue... so Im asking honestly, where did this mindset come from?
I'm a little confused about all of these posts telling the OP to get over it. HER MOH CHOSE TO GET MARRIED A WEEK BEFORE HER WEDDING!!! That seems like a pretty big deal to me. I remember being a bridesmaid in my BF's wedding years ago and I spent the week before her wedding running around helping the bride do last minute stuff. I was busy with the bride THAT ENTIRE WEEK! Perhaps THAT'S why the OP is miffed and rightfully so! If I accept a bridal party position, I expect to have to do more than "show up wearing the dress" which seems to be the sentiment around here. When I accept a position in a bridal party, I fully expect to help the bride out with stuff (within reason) and TO ME that includes being available to her the week (or weeks) leading up to her wedding day. Now, I'm not saying I will allow my regular course of business to be interrupted (i.e. 0 I'm not taking off a week from work to be at the bride's beck and call) but you bet your bottom I will have every evening and the weekend free to be available to her. I certainly WOULD NOT plan my own wedding the week before ESPECIALLY if I was in the bridal party. It just seems rude to me and it has nothing to do with "my, my, my". But I may be alone in my thoughts and I have learned from the Bee to NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR WEDDING, so I wouldn't necessarily express my disappointment to my MOH (I would smile and congratulate her, of course). But I would still be upset and think the OP has a right to be too.
OP, I would talk to her about her date and plans. As others have mentioned, if she's having a simple civic ceremony and BBQ it may not conflict with your wedding at all. However, if she's throwing a big wedding, you may want to give her an out from our bridal party because I'm sorry, just as she has a right to do whatever she wants regardless of her commitment to you, YOU also have the right to have a bridal party that isn't consumed with their own wedding the week before yours. JMHO.
@mandypop: We're way more indulgent now than we used to be. I think part of it is Hollywood, the ever-growing wedding industry, etc. The other part is just the fact that everyone wants to make a big production out of everything now. People are so used to things being instant, society is now super impatient. Our expectations are getting higher by the day (almost faster than all the tech gadgets & cutting edge products can meet them). Most people have this specific plan for their lives & heaven help the people who stand in the way of it coming to fruition.
OP: I can understand you being angry she didn't tell you first. It sounds like she was afraid of your reaction. Saying it will make you feel 2nd best is odd, though. Why 2nd best? B/c your wedding is after hers? Who cares? Do you really think people are going to be thinking about her wedding while they're @ yours?
If you truly feel you have a right to be mad (that she's doing it intentionally, etc.), talk to her about it. Maybe ask her if she feels she can handle being a part of two weddings in one week? I'm sure she has good reasons for having her wedding @ that point in time. Tell her your feelings & that you're a little hurt she didn't feel like she could tell you. Otherwise, it sounds like it's going to cause a lot of drama in the coming months.
I think a lot of you are being too self-righteous about this. If the situation was reverse, I don't think you would be soo haughty.
That being said, with her MOH getting married a week before her that leaves the bride without her support team
Second, if the MOH does not postpone her own honeymoon she will miss her friend's wedding.
You know what else the MOH did? She decided to take time out of her school schedule to work on YOUR wedding and be there to support you despite the fact that since your wedding is during her school, it's inconvenient for her. She chose to do that for YOU.
Now you need to choose to understand that she can't pull off her own wedding during her school time and she is just as entitled to a special, stress-free day as you are. Choose to support her at your inconvenience the way she has chosen to support you.
Choose to be positive, not confrontational. Choose to be open-minded and helpful. CHOOSE TO ACT LIKE A FRIEND and have this adventure together.
OP: I can see where you might be concerned about it being hard on mutual friends if there are many coming to both weddings. Beyond that, there really isn't too much to worry about. All the bridal party is required to do is show up in their dress on time the day of the wedding. Her wedding the week before will not impact her ability to do that. It sounds like they had a valid reason for picking her date and I am sure she will tell you herself at a more appropriate time then shopping for your dress.
I really didn't want to come across as b*tchy, or selfish...because I am neither of those things...something just doesn't sit right with me. We're going to be having a very large number of the same people invited, she says she wants a "vintage" feel and I wanted a little bit of the "romantic" feel. I want to be happy for her, but wethere it's stupid or not, I still feel peeved that her day is going to be exactly one week before mine...it just feels disrespectful.I know I need to somehow ask her about it and let her know how it's making me feel
Apparently I'm immature, a bad friend, selfish, self-indulgent and ridiculous, because I'd be pissed, too! ;)
well, put yourself in her shoes for a sec. If that was the week of your school break, so it was that week or NEXT YEAR... what would you do?
If you thought she was doing this to one-up you, that would be different... but this was because of her school schedule, so I empathize with her. I wouldn't want to make a friend feel shitty, but I also wouldn't want to wait a whole year to get married just to avoid the abstract concept of "thunder" stealing.
Well other MOH said she had also thought about December...why not then or during spring break?
@mandypop: I totally agree with you. If she just randomly picked this date out of a hat, I'd understand being a little peeved. But honestly, school breaks are very limited and most are on/around major holidays, so she probably doesn't have many choices. Even spring break is about 6 months away. OP, do you really expect your friend to wait a year to get married just because of your wedding?
To all the people saying "BUT SHE'S HER MOH!!! SHE'LL NEED HERRRR!!" The OP actually has two MOHs. I'm not saying I know if one is more helpful than the other, but it's not like she's going to lose the head organizer of her wedding. Also, knowing this now means order and fold programs and stuff earlier rather than later. I don't understand why people on the bee are so hectic right before their weddings. Sure, emergencies do happen, but OP will have her bridesmaids, 1 MOH (which is what most women have), and I assume family.
Ya get one day. She's not even getting married the same weekend. The only thing I'd be concerned about is her honeymoon- making sure she either takes a minimoon or waits until after your wedding so that she can be in the ceremony.
December can be a really hectic month to get married between final exams, holidays, and weather-related travel disruption - thats why I picked the Fall as well.
She didn't pick the week before yours out of spite or to steal your thunder. She did it because she has time off from school. Waiting until spring break might have seemed too long of a wait and December is crazy busy for most people.
I suppose I'd be irked if she picked the week before yours randomly, but there's a very real, practical reason why she did it. I think you need to take a deep breath and be happy for your friend.
@Jamcnair: The MOH should have told you herself. She is probably afraid to tell you for fear of your upset and hurt feelings. Sounds like her fears are justified. However, that does not excuse her being a dishonest friend and MOH. This will affect your schedul before the wedding, and the further notice you have for dates and such, the better you will be able to plan.
I can relate with the OP as we had friends that were trying to rush getting married and were thinking of doing it a week or two before ours. I was a little irked only because my two best friends are already getting married in August and September (and me being an October bride). The reason I was irked was because the three of us really tried to give each other enough space in between so if they wanted to take their honeymoon after the wedding, they wouldn't be rushed to get back to someone's wedding. Not only that, but all of the wedding showers and bachelorette parties that are already going on, and all of the last minute wedding stuff that I know I will need to do the week before, they just added another round of event dates to it. HOWEVER, I realize that it's not my choice when they get married, and in reality, their wedding will only be 5-6 hours of my weekend and I will make the time needed to get things done. They are our friends and I want to be there to support them. She ended up choosing a date in the beginning of September two weeks before my best friend, who is NOT upset that her wedding is two weeks later.
Take some time to cool off before you approach her about it. I think you are probably a bit too upset over something that you're not even sure is going to affect your big day (considering that you have another MOH and probably other BMs to help with stuff). She's not stealing your thunder, and she does have the right to get married when she wants. What if one of your BM's had told you when you announced your date, "Oh sorry, you'll have to pick a new date because we're already booked for so-and-so's wedding the next weekend." Would you not feel like garbage and that you weren't important enough? You, as HER friend too, should not make her feel that way. Like I said before, you should cool off a bit, and really think about what the majority of the PP's are saying (create a poll if you want to see what more brides think). You should support her in her planning process like she has supported you. If you can't handle helping her the ways that she has helped you, then you don't deserve her as a MOH or a friend.
On a positive note, you guys will be able to help remind each other's husbands that their anniversary is coming up!
@LibertyBelle: cosign 100%.
I can understand why you feel upset, but I do agree with everyone who's pointing out that she had a specific, and valid, reason for choosing this date. She has the right to get married when she wants to, and not be expected to wait six months for her spring break just because it would be more convenient for YOU.
It's very overwhelming. I only have the two MOH and then my little sister and Future niece are junior bridesmaids. Tons of other people I know are getting married this year too...May, June, July, August, and now MOH in October. I'm sorry if it seems childish, but I just need to sort out my emotions..
I've had 2 years like that - fortunately not consecutive (ha).
Its hectic, its expensive, its not always terribly convenient.... but ya know what?
When you're at the wedding (as a guest or at your own) - you're not thinking about any of that noise. You're thinking about enjoying yourself.
I mean, unless one or both of you is a crazy bridezilla, there will be time for you both to be there for eachother and enjoy the process together.
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So, I never thought I would have MOH drama...not me!
Today I went dress shopping for the very first time...it was wonderful and special...
Then tonight I find out from one MOH that the other MOH (who just got engaged last month) decided they want to get married ONE week BEFORE MY wedding......ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?
Who does that? I am so livid I jut don't even know what to think or say...she didn't even tell me herself...she told my other MOH (we're all friends)!