Post # 1
I was married recently. At my wedding my husband’s brother, who was the best man, gave his toast. It was a lovely speech expect for one thing that my mom can’t seem to let go of. He started the speech by thanking his parents for everything they did for the wedding and said that “without them the wedding wouldn’t have been possible.” he did then thank my parents for their help with the wedding. Here’s the problem according to my mom: she thinks that thsi was not appropriate since the grooms parents didn’t contribute anything financially to the wedding. Now, my mom is typically not a petty person but I’m not sure what to think about the whole thing. I do understand thanking hubby’s parents because they did support us emotionally etc, but the speech really did make it sound like they hosted or co-hosted the event. Should I say anything about it or just let it go?
Also, PLEASE no comments about how I’m a horrible, selfish person for bringing this point up. No party involved (not me, not my hubby, not my parents and not his parents) can accurately be characterized as being horrible or selfish. I just want to know what other bees think. Is my family overreacting? How would you handle it?
Post # 3
It”s over, there is nothing that will change what was said. I would let it go with your in laws. Maybe do something special fo ryour mom so she know how much you and your DH appreciate their help.
Post # 4
@ieatunicorns: thanks. Should I also try to talk my mom out of letting go of the resentment or should I just stay out of it entirely?
Post # 5
I don’t really think there’s anything you can do but let it go. I can see your mom being a bit upset but there is nothing you can do about it now, it is in the past. Maybe the BM just got caught up in the moment and didn’t realize he was offending someone.
Post # 6
@Westwood: well, it was a pre-written speech, but you’re right- nothing we can do now
Post # 7
I think you (and your family) should just drop it. What’s done is done. Unfortunately, the speech didn’t give an accurate representation of financial contributions, but maybe that’s not what he intended. When we make a thank you speech (probably at the RD), we’ll say something similar to both parents, even though my parents paid for 80% of the wedding, and his parents less than 5%. It’s just a thank you – and your BIL probably thought he was being nice and gracious.
Post # 8
You have to let it go… SHE has to let it go. I’m sure the BM meant emotional support, but what is he supposed to do thank your parents for paying for the entire wedding? He’s a guy I’m sure he’s not aware of any of the financial things and it doesnt sound like he was trying to be mean.
Post # 9
What would saying anything about it possibly do? Other than create tension and bad feelings between your families? I can understand why your mom was put off by it – but I truly can’t think of a SINGLE good thing that could come of making an issue out of it.
Post # 10
@HisIrishPrincess: Thanks. Maybe I wasn’t clear by my post but I’m not upset with the speech and I didn’t even notice what he said. It’s my mom who is upset and I guess I’m looking to see if anyone had any suggestion for patching it up. Sorry if that wasn’t cleaar from my original post
Post # 12
I think your Mom being ridiculous I bet none of your guest care who paid for what, and it possible they didn’t take that from what he said.
What exactly would she like you to do? Send out annoucements to make sure everyone knows she hosted/ paid for the wedding?
I think she is allowed to have her feelings, then you need to say Mom it was my wedding and a great day for us. I would appreicate it if you could drop it and just be happy for us. Then if she brings up change the subject let her know you aren’t talking about it any more.
In this day and age people pay for weddings in a variety of ways and the old things that used to indicate whom paid for it, like for example inviations. Before the person who hosted/paid for the weddings name would go on there. I know people who parents paid and names didn’t go on there, and couples who paid for thier own weddings and put both parents names on their anyways.
At the end of the day the only person who needs to know and be grateful that she paid for the wedding is you and your husband.
Post # 13
Um…without them the wedding WOULDN’T have been possible. They gave birth to your husband, right? 🙂
Post # 14
Actually, I’m kind of on your Mom’s side here… what a bonehead move by the Best Man! If I had heard that speech and didn’t know the families well enough to be privy to their contributions, I too would assume that the groom’s parents had paid for most of it.
Now, having said that, your Mom has to let this go, because there is really no way to resolve the gaffe. Even an apology from Best Man won’t change what was communicated at the wedding, and honestly, is he going to apologise? Probably not. Even asking him to do so would cause further rift, since now he’ll either be embarassed, or pissed off, depending on his attitude. The only way this could ever be “righted” would be to call every guest and tell them “My parents paid, not his” and that’s just way outside the realm of taste, or possibilty.
Post # 15
@MissNoodles: I agree. While nothing can be done, what the BM said was really quite inappropriate, and without a doubt it leaves the impression that the groom’s parents contributed.
To the OP: I also assume that your parents did contribute. And can I also assume that your parents DID get thanked? (Because if your parents contributed and weren’t thanked, then you and your husband have some serious apologising to do. On the other hand, if your parents didn’t contribute, she’s being petty).
Since your mother has no direct connection to your BIL, I see no point in getting him to speak to her. However, I think it would be appropriate for your husband to apologise for him. (And your husband is indirectly responsible, in the sense that he chose the best man). i.e. “I’m sorry my brother said that, either he didn’t know the financial situation or he wasn’t thinking”. I see no harm in your husband doing this, and perhaps some gain.
Post # 16
Yeah, I get where shes coming from…kinda…but what can you do about it anyway? Send out a blanket e-mail foot noting the speech? It’s not the kind of thing worth worrying over, no one’s auditing the wedding or anything, and frankly no one cares who paid for it.