Post # 1
It is truly great to be so in love with another human being and to feel confident that the two of us can conquer life together (from big things, to the day-to-day). However, lately I have been overwhelmed with so much negativity regarding my own future wedding! 🙁
Honestly it is sad and depressing. I was *that*girl* would spent her childhood cutting out my favorite photos in wedding magazines and dreaming of my future wedding. However now that I know I want to marry my SO, there are realities settling in that I never expected.
For one, there is the cost. While we get by in life, my SO and I brarely have more than a couple hundred extra bucks at the end of the month after bills. After four months of earnest research, I think the sticker shock of everything has made me numb. Why spend all this money on one day when I could put a down payment on a condo? What would provide more stability in my relationship with my life partner- a one day celebration? or a home of our own?
And then there is family… It depresses me to admit that my family is terribly unfunctional, and, well, messed-up (I’m talking.. frequent days where I don’t like the thought of seeing my abusive mother on such an important day). I’m watching my sister plan her December wedding and its h*ll. I’m terrified that people won’t show up (I’m the only one who moved out of state), will stir up major drama and start epic rifts in the family (like with my sisters wedding), and generally make me regret my decision to throw a big party.
Ugh.. this is so unlike me! I adore weddings! I’ve dreamt for years of my own wedding! Reading blogs and seeing photos of other people’s weddings are lovely! But I can’t shake this uneasy and almost-depressed feeling when I think about my own…. Is it worth it? Anyone else have same thoughts? Am I having a very drawn-out weak moment?
Post # 3
I do have second-thoughts, especially about the cost. But we’ve downsized a lot and I’m feeling more comfortable knowing that we can still have a lovely day without breaking the bank. I think it’ll be worth it. What’s NOT worth it, imo, is going into debt or spending thousands and thousands of dollars on one day. I’m not going to lie; we have a shoestring budget and live paycheck to paycheck for the most part. This entire thing, start to finish, will probably only cost about $2.5k-3k.
I’m with ya on the mother thing, too. Mine’s an alcoholic and was/is very abusive to me and FH when the mood strikes her. But when she’s good…she’s fantastic, so I guess I’m just hoping she’ll be civil and kind and decent on our wedding day.
Post # 4
Hey Stumptown lady, I’m sorry. I wonder if you do have your dream wedding-if you can have your groomsmen or someone else be a “bouncer” if need be, to keep things in order. I would love to help you, if you’d like. I actually live in the PDX metro area. I helped my daughter with her wedding just a year ago, I found many incredible resources, and I was able to get everything she (and her new husband) wanted for their wedding for just $5,000.00, including gowns. So I’d be delighted to help you find things that will make your day special-on your budget. Just PM me with some general information if you’d like. 🙂
If you think their may be trouble at your wedding, I would recommend having the groomsmen be informed and ready to escort anyone that you think needs to be also. I know of other people who have done this before.
Best to both of you. 🙂 Rhonda
Post # 5
Oh yes I can relate to this! I had a total mental breakdown and cried to my FI about just wanting to elope. I’ve already had two people confront me about how they’re upset that they aren’t a bridesmaid, we aren’t inviting my FI’s dad b/c he’s just not in his life at all and he’s started sending letters since save the dates went out about how he wants to start a relationship w/my FI and it’s only because of the fact that he didn’t get an invitation. In the four years we’ve been together he’s only called him three times. THREE TIMES in four years. And really I only personally remember two so I’m probably giving him the benefit of the doubt with that third call. We’re spending SO. Much. Money. on one day. All I keep seeing are the dollar signs and what we could do with them. How much we could put on the house and be that much closer to paying it off. My FI says we shouldn’t elope because we’d regret it eventually, and maybe that’s true, but I just don’t understand why there is so much of a social expectation on a wedding–it’s a lot of pressure!! I’m a huge wedding person too, I worked at a bridal shop and loved it SO much, I think I really will be very happy with the memories after the wedding but I mainly wanted to let you know that you are NOT the only one with these thoughts.
After all that ranting I’m thinking “Oh, I need to make sure I order the right size of table cloths…” ugh. 🙂 Back to the circus tent for me haha!
Post # 6
Oh my goodness…yes I completely feel that way…we’re 67 days out and now that school is out for the summer, am hitting it hard core (wedding planning that is 🙂 we’re on a tight budget so its a lot of DIY and Im such a perfectionist im driving myself crazy…plus theres the whole who to/not to invite etc…But I know at the end of the day, even when we’re without the money we’ve spent, having our friends and family there and being together and having the wedding we’ve dreamed of (maybe me more so) it will totally be worth it and wouldn’t change it for anything. Its stressful…the money, the family, the decor lol, but it will be great
Post # 7
Yes, unfortunately I feel the same. Wedding planning has brought out the worst in me. I’m tired, stressed, cranky, always worried about how much we’re spending, research everything to death looking for the best deal, worrying what people will think, etc., etc. There are so many details and so many decisions and I’m a control freak and a perfectionist, I drive myself crazy not to mention those around me. I just hope that all my hard work will be worth it on the day of. I think even though I don’t feel it now, I will be glad we had a wedding and celebrated with family and friends and some people at least will notice all the hard work that was put into it, lots of DIY. And I know on the day of I’m letting go and just let what ever happens happens, that’s what will make it memorable.
Post # 8
Try to find a way to make your wedding something that you CAN feel really excited about! It is YOUR wedding- no one else’s. Continue to research and look around wedding boards for ideas that will not make you financially uncomfortable. You don’t need to have 8 bridesmaids or party favors or personalized M&Ms.
My coworkers have introduced me to ruffledblog….Its lovely. It has inspired me in completely new ways and also comforted me as I am planning a not so average wedding.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 9
@Stumptown Lady: I honestly think that all the focus on “the perfect wedding day” is horrible. It takes what should be a joyful day for you and your FI, and makes it a reminder of all of the things you (and indeed, most couples) can’t have.
How about starting again, from the ground floor? I’m assuming you want to be married to your FI. (If you don’t, that’s a whole other discussion.) Minimum cost to get married is probably under $100.
To that minimum cost, add only those things that would make the day more joyful for you, taking into account the cost. That may mean that you have a private ceremony for just the two of you. It may mean you get married in a nice dress that is not a wedding dress. I cannot tell you what it would mean for you. However, if you start with the assumption that nothing gets added unless it is worth it to you, you can start planning a day that is joyful for you and him, whether or not it is a traditional wedding.
I think that too often couples think in all or nothing terms–that they must have either a traditional wedding with a million relatives and all the bells and whistles, or they must elope or not get married at all. There are lots of intermediate choices, if you think about what you really want rather than a traditional “wedding.”
Post # 10
I hear ya! I have some days, like today, where I just want to drop it. I am having the hardest time with all of my plans. I am planning my wedding from 7,000 miles away, and today, sorting the catering is driving me nuts! The cost is so high, and it seems like the whole, “plated meal” is about the size of a childrens appetizer! For what you pay, you don’t get much it seems! I want to just go to costco and buy all my food. I am not into having something fancy, but I don’t want the guests leaving and having to grab a burger after the wedding cause the bird food didn’t fill them up!
Post # 11
I think everyone feels that way from time to time, especially when you are footing the bill and sacrificing to make it happen. Your wedding is over 2 years away, so you have lots of time to think about it. As others pointed out, a wedding is not a marriage and there’s lots of ways to skin the wedding cat. If you are really concerned about disruptive family, you can always use your money for a destination wedding/honeymoon and throw a big party when you get back. Since it’s not officially a wedding, you can probably cut back on who you invite. Or maybe some of the disruptive people will be in jail and unable to attend:)
Post # 12
My wedding is this weekend. It has been been incredibly stressful and negative actually (sadly to say). Not only is it costing us more than we ever dreamed of spending and consuming pretty much all of my savings which was my grandmother’s inheritance…. but it is brining out all the bad parts in people.
We wanted to keep it simple–no wedding party. Then FI’s mom and sisters were insulted by this since. Now I have 3 bridesmaids, 2 flowergirls and 2 ringbearers plus a groomsmen plus all the expense of that and on top of that complaints from one of his sisters about the expense.
I was told we could probably recoup a portion of our wedding expenses in gifts. Not true! We had one sister of his insist we register–although I didn’t want to or need to and now we have wedding gifts worth $50 per couple despite the wedding being $400 per couple.
We had close family members who declined to come and other family members insisting on brining extra people… which led to some hard feelings and more drama.
We have my parents participating more and giving more money while his mom hasn’t—which has led to even more hard feelings.
This plus friends not being invited because we are limited to under 50. And having to deal with the awkwardness of that…. I honestly think elopement is best!!! You can really focus on what marriage means without all the stress, financial burden, drama and let-downs that happens when you involve too many people. If we could do it again I would really insist on it just being US and our close family. You can have a gorgeous and meaningful wedding spending the money on the people who are important to you without the whole wedding fiasco.
Post # 13
ok, some advice from a married lady. I had the EXACT. SAME. THOUGHTS. when I was in the deepest part of my planning for our wedding. I broke down to my dad and said “We should have just eloped! Im over it!” and his response was so simple. “This is the wedding you, at one point, wanted. Don’t lose that vision.” (note, I wasnt the litthe girl who dreamed of her wedding. I never thought about it until I was engaged) He then proceeded to go on talking about how getting anywhere isnt easy and everything is stressful (think job, etc,) so why should planning a wedding spending SO muchmoney and trying to please SO many people? He told me to stop trying to please everyone and just picture my vision and Id get there in the end. I took a step back and thought about it, and he was totally right. My dads a smart one :o)
If I can give you any advice, it is about the family. You can NOT please everyone. You might not even be able to please the majority. But this day is about the joining of your families, and the party and ceremony reflect YOU. If someone doesnt like it or you piss someone off along the way, get a thick skin and say “too bad.” I flat out told someone that if they caused any issue or did anything I would consider inappropriate, Id have no hesitation in asking them to not come or to leave. Its unfortunate that weddings bring out the worst in people.
The cost…yeah, its expensive. But like some PPs said, you will reoup some. We recouped a LOT, plus we returned/exchanged a bunch of gifts (really with the buying of things NOT on the registry??) and got even more.
All of that being said (sorry for the novel,) if these are things you CANNOT get over, you might want to consider elopement. but if this is a speedbump, just picture your end vision and tell family to screw off when its necessary. xo!
Post # 14
I’m with you!! I feel like there is all this pressure to produce the most perfect wedding EVER, when it should really just be about me, my guy, and the fact that we’re pledging to be partners for life. Even though we have a very modest budget that we are sticking to nicely, I just feel like it’s a horrendous waste of money for one day.
I was always a wedding girl too! I used to read bridal magazines for fun in high school and college and had about 75 different versions of the perfect wedding planned. Now that I’m actually doing it, I’ve realized it’s not as much fun as I thought it would be.
I’m trying so hard to just relax, not compare my wedding to others, and remember what the important part of the day is.
What I’m trying to say is that I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I can only hope when it’s all over I’ll think it was worth it!
Post # 15
Yes, I definitely hear you. It is such a significant amount of money for one day – the type of money you usually only lay down for a car, house, or 401K!
In your post you said that you have a few hundred left at the end of each month. Will your parents or anyone else help you out? I think whatever you do, you want to make sure you don’t go into debt over throwing a wedding.
You can always do a gorgeous event for just you and your groom – you and him on a beach in the Caribbean at sunset, sigh.
Or save money by having a simple reception. Your biggest costs are typically food, alcohol, and floral so cut out the bar and do something like pitchers of lemonade, tea sandwiches, and DIY centerpieces. Things like that are so in style right now and completely charming!