(Closed) wont give a reason… very confused and sad :(

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
700 posts
Busy bee

@l00neybyrd:  he could be just leading down a path to surprise you. many guys dont want to let your SO know of their plans for a proposal. i’d say give hints about rings, or something. just a thought

Post # 4
Member
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

girl, I waited 6.5 years before my fiance proposed! LOL! He would always tell me he wanted a life / future / family together, but would never tell me WHEN.. ugh.. 

It was a bit of a struggle, especially closer to the end but the funniest thing happened.. i was seriously considering throwing in the towel, leaving him, remvoing my name from the mortgage, and taking the dog with me when I realized that Even Without a Ring I could not imagine living my life without him. I remember the exact moment, where we were and what we were doing.. He proposed 3 months later.

He doesn’t know how seriously I considered calling it quits, and he never will. I also think he made me wait too long, he thinks so too and confided that he wanted to propose more than a year earlier but since his sister’s husband proposed around the same time he was planning to it threw everything off.

In the end, it was worth the wait. Nothing in our relationship or upcoming marriage is forced and we are both mutually enthusiastic and excited about the wedding. I feel like  if I had forced it with ultimatums and stuff things would have been different and thats just what it would have been, “forced.”

 

I understand your anxiety about the age thing, and also the wait you are going through, but understand that men usually don’t say things they don’t mean. Like, if he says he sees you guys married, etc. then he really means it. Same with guys who say they don’t see themselves being married and those poor girls sit there and think if they wait long enough they will “come around” or change thier mind. Its true…

 

Let things happen organically, it will be that much better and worth it in the end πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You’re 31 and you need to decide what it is YOU want. I’d recommend telling him that you’ve been involved in this relationship long enough to know what you want with him. Let him know that it makes you very happy to hear that he feels that way, too. Next, tell him you need more commitment now, right now. Make a plan for your life in case he’s not on board. Will you remain in that country? Move out on your own? Make a PLAN. This is YOUR life. For heaven’s sake, take control. This isn’t a game. You have a limited number of reproductive years – that’s just the practical part of it – in which you and a baby have the best chances of being well.

Be specific. It’s cute to “wait” only for so long. I don’t believe in indefinite relationships. Tell him it’s time things took a decisive turn. If he wants you to remain in his life it’s time to make that official. Put a ring on it and set a wedding date. And I’m sorry but what does it mean you “likely won’t get the chance to have kids”?? This is big – if you really want children and he won’t get around to it, you stand to face a lifetime of disappointment staying with him.

Post # 6
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yeah, I wouldn’t be okay with him just dragging his feet like it seems he is.  And, this was just one line but: you asked him his five year plan and he wouldn’t tell you(?!) because it was “a secret”???!!!! 

THAT WOULD NOT FLY WITH ME FOR A MINUTE. 

Either he’s got no plan, isn’t taking it/you seriously (and thinks it’s cute to joke around like that) or knows his plan and that you aren’t in it. 

I’d be making a plan to walk and making damn clear he knew why.  I’m sorry πŸ™

Post # 7
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@whammy:  +1

Move on yesterday. Refusing to discuss his future plans with you is not a sign of someone you should marry.

Post # 8
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

Right now, its all about what makes YOU happy. He doesn’t share the same dream with you in this very moment, so why not make your own dreams come true?

My friend was in a 5 year relationship. The man never proposed. No matter how much she protested, he just simply said “im not ready.”

She left him. And two months later, she met her now husband when she was 29. They now have twins and one on the way. As for her ex? He is still a bachelor.

Sometimes, everyone doesn’t share our dreams. And that’s ok. What’s not ok, is when someone can’t help you understand as to why they aren’t ready to be epart of your own. 

Post # 9
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I was with you and wanted to say wait it out until I read this:

 

“he said yes he wants kids too but can see it likely we just wont get chance….and that felt like a punch in the gut πŸ™ hed rather miss out on having a child rathet than hurry himself along a bit?”

 

Unacceptable if YOU want children.  What is the most important to you?  For me the bottom line seems to be, would you be happy spending the rest of your life with him if it means no kids?  If yes, then great wait it out; if not, then I would suggest more serious talks first, but ultimately it may be a deal breaker. 

Post # 10
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

@l00neybyrd:  I totally get where you are coming from!

SO and I had the SAME exact conversation over the last 2 1/2 days! He won’t give an exact reason WHY just that he wants to be super sure and ‘ready’. I don’t know what to do, either! πŸ™

Post # 11
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Maybe him saying his five year plan is a “secret” means he’s planning a proposal and wants it to be a surprise?

Post # 12
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Can I sugest you read my previous thread? :O very similar story and I got alot of advices too πŸ™‚

resentful

Hang in there, calm yourself and think, do you really want a relationship with this man? Is he so important to you that you lose the chance of having kids because of him?

If you think he is worth it, then comunication, sit down with him and express all you’re feeling and don’t let him speak or say whatever until you finish, put it out there, and then the ball is in his court, let him speak and then decide what to do.

Post # 13
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

I think it’s really important for each person in the couple to determine what they “need” from the relationship. Your needs should either mostly align, or you should be able to accommodate each other. It’s very important to decipher need from want. If you need to have at least one child before you’re 34, be clear to him. Explain that it can take a while to conceive, and you want to be sure to have plenty of time. Also, explain that you want to be married first, if he’s unclear about this and this is a need for you.

Or of course, he’s trying to surprise you. In any case, communication never hurt anything.

The topic ‘wont give a reason… very confused and sad :(’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors