Post # 1
FI’s stepmom decided to spring on me yesterday that she wants us to invite her sisters to the wedding (our RSVP deadline is in 3 weeks!) because she wants to invite them to the shower.
I’ve briefly met her sisters a few times, and FI has briefly met them more than that, does not really know them, and does not like them. Stepmom asked if we were keeping the guestlist small because of money and said that she’d be willing to pay for them to come. I told her no, that we already cut a lot of people close to us, but she didn’t really accept that and told me to think about it, and that she wasn’t trying to pressure us (except that I know she is because she brought it up like four times yesterday). Not only that, but they’re both married and have unbearable children we’d also have to invite (who they would bring, despite almost no one else bringing their kids), and we just do not want to.
FFIL and stepmom are helping us pay, but we are paying for the bulk and are already cutting back on what’s left to pay. She is seriously guilting me into this (what she said was, “They would LOVE to celebrate with you because they’ve known [FI] since he was a little guy and they love him and they really want to spend time with you especially on your wedding day! And I really would love for them to come to the bridal shower.”
I have to send her an email with a ton of other info, so I’m adding this in there, as well, but I have no idea what to say/how to word it. Thoughts?
Post # 3
You’ve already had to cut other people that are close to you that would also LOVE to celebrate with you. It would not be fair to invite her sisters when others that you care about are being cut. I would just tell her you both have spoken about it and decided there is no room and end the discussion at that. It is your wedding, your guest list, not hers. Please don’t let her guilt you into it.
Post # 4
I don’t care who she wants to invite or budget or who you already cut. If they weren’t considered before invitations went out, they’re not invited. Period!
Post # 5
I guess you already know you’re going to get grief for this because of the guilting… but you have to stick by your original answer that you have already cut back.
Post # 6
@vorpalette: This is your FI’s stepmom, you’re off the hook. His family, his responsibility. She probably asked you intentionally because she knew that you wouldn’t know the family relationship and would be more inclined to let her have her way to make a good impression. If any of his family come to you asking these types of questions just tell them that your fiance is handling all the invitations for his side of the family and they’re welcome to contact him.
Post # 7
@jennmariee: Unfortunately, this isn’t the relationship. I’m very close with his family, and I am not a pushover. I DO know the relationship and really dislike these people from what I know/have seen. I just don’t know what to say to her that I haven’t already said.
Post # 8
I agree, finance should deal with it. I assume he gave dad/SM a number of invites/asked for list, whatever. He needs to tell her, listen I am sorry, but the number we gave you is what it is.
Post # 9
‘fi and i have talked it over, and unfortunately we are not able to extend an invite to x, y and z. I’m sure you realise how difficult compiling a guest list can be, and we appreciate your understanding.’
you don’t owe her an explanation and she’s only going to make an excuse for whatever one you do give her – so just don’t justify it to her. keep repeating that the guest list was made months ago, and that you’re simply not able to invite them.
Post # 10
@juanita.kelly.9: No, there was no list or number of invites given. We did not ask who they wanted invited nor did they mention anything until this weekend. FI and I were the only two people who made the guest list and did not ask for nor receive input on it.
The worst part is that I was literally JUST complaining to her because FI’s SIL posted on my Facebook, asking if we could invite her parents and sister/BIL–more people we barely know and do not like. RUDE! NO! She even agreed with me when I said that FI’s brother and SIL invited EVERYONE they’d ever met because they didn’t pay for their wedding so they really didn’t get it (they invited 3x as many people as we did).
Post # 11
The invites are out. The list is final. End of discussion. Polite, but firm.
If she keeps pressing you…we have a great system: my family, my problem, his family, his problem 😀
Post # 12
Stick to your guns and don’t invite them, If it’s easier, you could tell her that the venue has a max capacity. That way it isn’t an issue of her paying or not paying. It’s just a no-room issue. But I get the impression that you’re a girl who has lots of backbone and doesn’t need to make excuses.
Post # 13
I agree with some previous posters that you should have your FI handle it. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I know how annoying and uncomfortable being in this position is. If you have to handel it instead of your FI I would either tell her you’ve reacher capacity at your venue, or that the invites are already made or sent and the guest list is set in stone. If she gets upset with you I would just say something like what you said in your original post,”I’m sorry, but we’ve already had to cut people that mean a lot to us and we want it to be a small, intmate wedding with everyone that means the most to us.” Also, I see that your wedding date is coming up quickly. I think it’s ridiculous of her to be asking this now! If she really wanted them there she should have asked you a long time ago and not a couple of weeks before the wedding. Good luck!
Post # 14
Ask her to consult with her husband who from HIS family he would like cut from the list to make room. And let her know THEY will need to make those phone calls.
Post # 15
@JerseyGirl85: LOL She knows we’re not anywhere near venue capacity.
@JoCoJenn: I would never say this to her.
What I did send was this:
“As far as inviting your sisters, unfortunately, we can’t. We wouldn’t be able to just invite the two of them, we would have to also invite their spouses and more children (etiquette reasons–it’s rude to separate couples), so that’s several more people that we hadn’t accounted for. We already had to cut several very close friends that Josh really wanted there to accommodate all of the [FI’s family] and just wanted to keep it to close friends and family.”
Post # 16
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
@vorpalette: That’s a good response – clear, to the point and polite!
I hope she lets it drop now!