Post # 1
As Parents of the Bride, we live in New Hampshire. Our daughter and her Fiance live in Boston and the groom’s parents reside in Texas. The children elected to have their wedding in Boston (which is a much higher cost area had we hosted the wedding in New Hampshire) hence, much greater total cost then we had budgeted. My husband and I are contributing 70% of the total cost of the wedding and the bride and groom were going to assume the remaining 30% (15/15). The grooms parent’s have since contributed 15%. I am not certain if the bride and groom are now collectively sharing the cost of the remaining 20% or if the bride is solely contributing the remaining 20%. This has not ben shared with my husband and I.
Together with my daughter, we have planned the entire wedding (with some imput from the groom and minimal input from the groom’s parents). As we are getting ready to select the wording for the invitations, I believe that since we (parents of bride) made the largest contribution, have been heavily involved in the planning of the wedding and will essentially be hosting the wedding (not to mention we are “giving” our daughter in marriage), should have our names at the top of the invitaion. Since a contribution (albeit a significantly smaller amount) has been made by the groom’s parents, I think this should be recognized and their names should appear on the invitation, under their Son’s name (i.e., Son of Mr. and Mrs. John Smith).
My daughter believes that their contribution should be recognized and their name should directly follow our name on the invite (Mr. and Mrs. Joe Johnson and Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the pleasure…). My daughter is aware that I feel very stronglyabout this as in addition to carrying the majority cost (3x greater than the others) and have been involved in all the wedding planning and it is taking place near our home state, our names should stand alone on the top of the invitation and that she should agree if for no other reason, as a sign of respect to honor us. We have made no other requests through the planning stages and have allowed her (and her fiance) to make all the choices (location, venue, band,gown, color scheme, florist, photgrapgher, invitation selection, etc even though none of these selections would have been our 1st choice) afterall, we wanted to remain mindful that this wedding should represent them and their style/dreams. With the wording on the invite, this has strung such an emotional cord, that I am digging my heels in the sand….am I being unreasonable? What does ettiquette dictate? I have run numerous searches and in the cases where they reccommend both sets of parent’s name on the top – it always states “when both sets of parents are sharing the cost” (which I interpet as an equal or near equal financil contribution and assistance throughout the wedding planning). There is no dileneation when it is a 60/20 contribution. (Am I being unreasonable with this request? Should my daughter respect my wishes on this count? Neither wants, “together with our parents”…. I have asked several event planners and they all agree with me but also point out that this should not cause a “rif” which I don’t want but when do I see a compromise on my end? I feel extremely hurt by this and am having a hard time, letting this go. I agreed to followng the majority advice. Bees….please help?
Post # 2
Regardless of “contribution”, traditionally, for such an invitation, the bride’s parents names would go first, followed by the groom’s name and then his parents name.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
I tend to agree with how you’re seeing it, OP. I believe your names should be first, as you are essentially the hosts. Also, as another poster said, traditionally the names of the bride’s parents do go first. Perhaps that tradition comes from a place where typically the brides family pays for weddings (and therefore are the hosts).
Post # 4
cornerstone: Be honored that your daughter is willing to put your names on the invite at all. I think you should let your daughter decide if she wants both parents listed at the top or yours. I, honestly, would not notice and have not noticed, when I receive wedding invites whether parents are listed. Further, I NEVER ponder why they are listed sometimes and other times not. My opinion is that you need to drop this because it’s such a small matter to the rest of the world. It is your daughter’s wedding so the placement of names on the invite is her call.
And to think that you stated in writing that you already allowed them to make all of their own decisions about THEIR wedding kind of makes me think you are a mom-zilla. It’s not your wedding! Relent, mother. Relent!
“Not to mention we are “giving” our daughter in marriage” — horrible! HORRIBLE! She is not chattle. She is a person. This is so ridiculous.
Back off. It’s their wedding. You are arguing over a shitty piece of paper that everyone is going to throw in the garbage.
Post # 5
It wasn’t until I started planning my own wedding that I even realized that how the invitation is worded could indicate who’s hosting/paying.
I think you should let your daughter decide how she wants it worded. It’s her wedding.
Post # 6
I think the parents of the bride should be at the top and the groom’s parents below his (son of x and x). My fiance and I are paying for 100% of everything but my mother’s name will still be at the top as she is the mother of the bride and serving as “hostess” of the wedding, so I would make the argument that the bride’s parents traditionally “host” regardless of who is paying and should therefore be at the top.
The groom’s parents aren’t “hosting,” they’re just the groom’s parents, so why should they be next to the bride’s parents (exept in unusual cases where they do actually host, but that is not the case here from what you described)? The fact that you are paying for such a large percentage just adds to the list of reasons why the bride’s parents should be at the top and honestly I would also be offended in your situation if the groom’s parents were listed right next to your names. You are doing the right thing by making it clear to your daughter that you feel that putting their names next to yours is inappropriate because it definitely is in my opinion.
Post # 7
I think you are being unreasonable on two levels.
(1) Because it’s your daughter’s wedding and not yours, and offering to pay does not entitle you to call the shots (not how gifts work where I come from).
(2) Because here, as in so many moments in life, credit should be infinitely divisible. It is not a zero-sum game — honoring the groom’s parents for their contribution does not demean or diminish your contribution. Acting like it does, or getting hung up on the specifics of who chipped in what, will not be a good look for you in the last analysis.
Post # 8
cornerstone: Parents of bride names at the top, followed by parents of groom, when both parents are hosting. The bride’s parents always go above the parents of the groom, regardless of the amount of contribution from either side.
Please take a deep breath, step back, and enjoy the wonderful event for what it is.
Post # 9
I’d say put both names on the top, both to make your daughter happy and to make the groom’s parent’s feel included and appreciated. Maybe the amount they gave was all they had to give – that doesn’t make their contribution any less important or generous than yours.
Post # 10
1) no one will notice
2) ask yourself if something this small and insignificant is worth conflict with your daughter and future son-in-law and maybe even his parents. it seems significant to you, but literally no one will notice who is listed first and second.
really the only reasonable thing to do is say “but isn’t it traditional that the bride’s parents be listed first?” and if she pushes back, that is all you can reasonably say. beyond that it seems like you paid for the wedding in order to “call the shots” as PP said, instead of giving your daughter the gift of a beautiful wedding.
Post # 11
I understand that you are contributing to the wedding — which is wonderful, and I’m sure your daughter and FSIL are unbelievably grateful — and that it will be more than the parents of your FSIL will be contributing… But not everyone can afford the same amount. Be thankful that your daughter is okay with your names being on it at all.
You’re being petty. Are you getting married? No? Then you need to back off. Share your wishes with them, be honest with what it means to you, etc. but don’t stamp your feet to be recognized for having spent the most money. Absolutely ridiculous, as is your attitude (Giving your daughter in marriage? Really? What decade are we in?), level of expectation, and selfishness. You want to help your daughter and FSIL out by paying for a bulk of the wedding? Great. But don’t hold it over their heads to manipulate them into getting what you want, regardless of what it is.
Post # 12
Seriously, why do you care about this? Are you giving your daughter money for her wedding because you want to, or because you want everyone to know that you gave your daughter money for her wedding? This is such a non-issue. If your daughter wants to also honor the people who raised her future husband, then so be it. It’s a nice gesture. And you aren’t “giving” you daughter in marriage, what is this, Game of Thrones? Who thinks like that anymore?
Post # 13
There was no need to get into all the money aspect, because the name of the person on the top of the invitation dictates the host, not the financial backer. If you are hosting the event, then your name, from an etiquette perspective, should appear at the top. If his parents are sharing the hosting duties, then both should appear.
I think that this is a petty issue to get in an argument over. In the end, let your daughter picks what she thinks is right. You have made your opinion known, and she can decide whether she wants to share the honor with his parents.
This is not a money issue. You offered your money with no strings attached, and now you need to deal with that.
Post # 15
How gracious of you to “have allowed her (and her fiance) to make all the choices” in their wedding. If you had stipulations that came with your investment in this wedding, you should have had your daughter and her fiance sign a contract with you so that your terms were upheld.
The wording on the invitation is completely arbitrary. Let your daughter do what she wants, and don’t start a pissing match with her and her future in laws over something so trivial. It’s not going to go well for the wedding or in the longrun if you have the constant attitude of ownership and investment regarding a person– she’s your daughter, not a good to be bartered.