(Closed) world came crashing down-long vent

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

So sorry you have had to encounter this. What does youe BF say?? How does he feel about his parents reaction?

Post # 4
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Could you pick a cheaper cruise line or help them with the price if it’s too expensive?  Or maybe cruise somewhere on the east coast instead? 

Post # 5
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t understand your FMIL’s position. Does she not realize that having a hometown wedding at a banquet facility will cost waaaaay more than the small, intimate destination wedding you had planned? Is she going to contribute financially to this?

If your FMIL really is falsely using finances as an excuse to try and force you and FI to cancel your intimate Hawaii wedding, then shame on her. DO NOT give in to this. Have the wedding that you and FI want to have, your way. It is YOUR day, not hers.

What does your FI have to say about all of this? I suggest letting things cool off a bit and then have him talk to her. In the meantime, continue planning your intimate Hawaii wedding. Maybe when she realizes that you are not about to abort the mission because of her, the reality of not being at her son’s wedding will set in, and she’ll “get on board,” with the destination wedding plans. 

Post # 6
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m curious to know what your guy thinks as well? I kinda went through that with my bf’s parents. They shut the idea of traveling to Aruba before knowing about the costs. Once the packages were set up, they were one of the first to pay! My guy pretty much told them, the show will go on with or without them. Give it a little bit of time, maybe they will have a change of heart. Best of luck to you…

Post # 7
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You say its not official and you haven’t discussed details, do your FI’s parents know that you are planning to get married on this cruise for sure? Or have you just mentioned that you’d kind of like to, or that it would be nice, so they still think its up in the air? Perhaps if the know that you are definitely planning to get married on this cruise, it will change their minds.

Maybe you could clarify this with them first, and then nicely remind them that the wedding wouldn’t be complete without them- and you’d love to have them there, since going right into tantrum mode might jeopardize your relationship with them later.  I don’t know their financial situation, but I do know that if someone close to me (like my friend, or even my sister) were having an awesome Hawaii wedding I’d really want to go– but would have to politely decline due to cost, even if I had over a year to save up. If a cheaper cruise exists or there is a way to help them pay for their accommodations, maybe they will have an easier time joining you.

Post # 8
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Honestly, 2k a person is a lot of money.  Maybe some people could do that, but for others their expenses would never allow them to spend so much at one time. I know you’ve been telling them to save, but I can tell you for my family, even if you gave them 10 years to save they wouldn’t be able to afford that.  I think if you want them there you either have to help them with the cost or plan something less expensive.

The wedding you described could still happen.  What if you just got married in Hawaii, but didn’t have everyone go on the cruise?  You could do the wedding beforehand, on land, and then those who wanted to could go on the cruise and everyone else could either stay on the island for a little while or fly home.

Or what about another tropical location?  I mean, a beach is a beach.  You can still have your same dress and music and overall feel in Jamaica.  There are cruises for the Caribbean that leave out of Baltimore.  If you chose this, your FIs family could either drive or take the train down, cruise with you to a Caribbean beach where you could do the exact same wedding, but probably save thousands of dollars overall.

Or, you could offer to pay for part of it for them.

There are absolutely solutions to this situation that will work for everyone, but you have to take the attitude that you are willing to work to find a solution.  If the money isn’t there, then it isn’t there and getting angry at them for not having it won’t make any difference.  If you want them there, then you and your FI have to figure something out. “Not budging an inch” is only a recipe for conflict and heartache.

Post # 9
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It seems that it all falls on your BF.  If he agrees with you, you have a couple options.  Have a cruise wedding elsewhere, like the caribbean.  Its still beautiful and not at all as expensive.  I know thats a big sacrifice.  But you may just want to avoid the drama.  Have you been to Hawaii?  Maybe you can go for your 1 year anniversary.  Because you still deserve to travel there at some point.  It might not be the money at all.  She might have a traditional view of what a wedding should be.  If that’s the case, your BF will just have to explain to her that this is what you guys want.  She loves her son, so she’ll have to be there.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

It’s hard for people to support DW’s sometimes.  (It’s money they have to pay for someone else’s dream.  And if they don’t share the idea, they tend to think how much more money they are spending than if the wedding was local.) Would your FI be OK if they weren’t there?  I know you still want your DW wedding, but what if FI would rather have it local with his family present?

Is there a way to make this happen without as much expense, as Twista suggested?  Can you go to Hawaii, but not make it a cruise?  Is there way for you and FI to offset the costs?

 

Post # 11
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I mean this all seems very person-specific… but I can really see your FMIL’s side here (unless she totally has a ton of money and is just being bitchy). If she needs to pay for herself + husband + son… that is at least 6k. That is a LOT of money. More than 2 years worth of gifts for sure. The problem with having a destination wedding (in my opinion) is that while it saves YOU money, it really shifts the burden of cost onto your guests. The overall cost for all people involved might not be any cheaper than a traditional at-home wedding, but rather than you footing the entire bill each guest has to pay their share. Now… if you have guests that can afford it and are down for that and for a great vacation… that is fantastic. But I don’t think you can fault people for not being able to pay for an extravagant vacation on your timeline. If you got married at home would she give you 6k+? If so then I think that you have a good argument for getting married on the cruise… but if she wouldn’t/couldn’t contribute to an at-home wedding then you really can’t be upset that she doesn’t have the money for this. 

Post # 13
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

is it possible that if you made it known that this cruise was to be your wedding the family would be more on board and excited (and willing) to spend the money? I mean, if no one knows you are getting married, you can’t really be mad at them for not getting how important it is to you, right?

Just a thought. The idea sounds lovely though, I wish I could have done that!

Post # 14
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that maybe you could have them just go to Hawaii and not go on the cruise?  That will cut down a lot on the expenses.  They don’t have to be on the cruise.  And I agree with Carrot Cake.  Since you two aren’t officially engaged, they might think that you are just planning a huge vacation which doesn’t warrant as much being spent as your wedding.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well, my first thought is that it’s not fair to start making travel demands on anyone if you and BF haven’t made it official yet. So it is a wedding, but it’s not yet actually and you never plan on getting engaged or wearing rings. I don’t really blame BF’s parents for being uncommital (or anyone for that matter). Do you plan on sending invitations?

Also, it’s a little unfair for you to start analyzing what they buy, how they spend their disposable income and ‘deciding’ they can afford your choice of wedding. $2K per person is a lot to ask anyone to spend on a wedding. That’s more than the rehearsal dinner would cost! And again, you are telling them how to spend their money otherwise by not getting you birthday/christmas gifts, ultimately asking them to alter their lifestyle.

If you and FI want to go away and get married on a Hawaiian cruise, that’s your choice. But if you expect people to join you, you have to discuss it with them first to see if they agree to taht plan and/or can afford it. Especially In-law’s! In order to have these discussions, I would argue you need to actually be engaged first, no matter how you determine that.

Post # 16
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hmm, I have to say that I can understand why they woould not want to spend 2k on a cruise. They may just have a different perspective on what they consider to be value for money and what they consider to be a waste. I can see them being spend that kind of money on a traditional wedding but not on a cruise. To echo what others have said, maybe you being engaged will change their tune.

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