(Closed) worn down waiting…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
46140 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I sense he is still reluctant to live together, much less to get enganged or married.

Good luck to you.

Post # 4
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@endofmyrope: did you remind him that you don’t want to live together until you have a ring in this conversation? Perhaps, he thinks you should try living together to confirm/deny his concernse before he proposes. It sounds like you may not be on the same page. Talk to him to make sure you both understand what this means to you.

Post # 5
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

Definitely not on the same page- I would renew your lease and do some heavy thinking…. if you move in with him, I can promise you, you will not be getting a ring.

Post # 6
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@armychica06: I agree with you. Stay where you are. If he changes his mind half way through your new lease, then too bad. He should have made that decision a long time ago.

Gwen

Post # 7
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

@armychica06:  I also agree.  

It took my SO & I many discussions to decide that after almost 6.5 years of not living together that we actually wanted to, and both agreed that a proposal would happen before that (end of July).  Now, I’m ok if he doesn’t propose exactly before move-in, but I know it’s coming sometime in the next 4 months anyways.  You guys need to really really really talk this out multiple times and not because there’s a deadline imposed by your landlord.  You need to say to him that he was the one who originally brought up moving in or he’ll ad it to his man-list of things you’ve pushed him into when it’s just not true.

Good luck, but it sounds like he’s pretty resistant to moving on.  How old are you both?

Post # 8
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Please don’t move in!  I too was in your situation.  Me and my ex had a long distance relationship (2hrs apart) and we agreed for me to move in and I stay home and communte 1 week out of a month. Well after one month he claimed he needed his space and told me this on Christmas!  After much thought and rethinking the whole relationship I realized that I was the one driving the 2 year relationship and putting all of my energy into it.  I told him sure take all the time you need and literally cut him off from phone calls, emails, etc.  I later told him that he was never ready for a real relationship and used my emotions to satisfy his needs when he wanted to. I honestly beleive that if a man wants to be with you he will do everything possible to do just that!  Don’t settle for less otherwise you’ll be waiting another 8 years.

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with the other posters that he’s feeling pressured now into this and that he isn’t fully on board.  This may take more time to talk through than you like now, but if you don’t spend the time now it can cause a lot of problems later.  (My SO first idly mentioned living together over a year before I moved in and we talked seriously starting about 6-7 months prior.)

I would suggest setting a time to talk about it in advance, so he doesn’t feel ambushed, when you’ll be able thoroughly hash out some of these issues.  And during the conversations, say that the reason you suggested moving in together was based on comments he had made, but that you want to make sure that you are both 100% positive this is what you want and both agree as to what you think it means.

Post # 12
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@endofmyrope:  I agree and I’m not going to say it hurts because it does. Although everyone is different it took me almost 2 years to assess myself as an individual and realized my self worth. I’m stronger, wiser and do not settle for foolishness. I pray that you make the right decision and guard your heart.

Post # 13
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

@endofmyrope: I’m so happy that you sound like you have confidence in yourself!  That will make this whole deal much easier on you.  I think for both of you being 27 and together since you were 19 (my SO & I started dating at 19 and we’re 25) he should be very, very ready to propose… but he isn’t. That’s maybe not a red flag, but it’s definitely at least a yellow one.  I always told my SO that I was fine with waiting a big long time, but that I did NOT want to be still just dating at 27 (really kind of weird that I picked the same age that you are right now) and he agreed that would definitely not be happening.  I’m not saying this isn’t salvageable, I’m just saying there’s something fishy with him right now.  

It’s always helpful to come up with many neutral ways to get your point across before you discuss this.  Whenever I talk about engagement or our wedding, I always say “please understand I’m not pressuring you, take as long as you like, but I wonder if it would be fun if we had ________ IF we get married?”  Even though it’s pretty duh at this point that we’ll get engaged, I still talk about it in uncertain terms and say “I don’t intend for this to be pressuring, but….” or something like that.  It helps keep that “man-list” short or at least in pencil, LOL.

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