Post # 1
To preface this: my DH is absolutely wonderful. He can’t watch the animal adoption commercials because they make him cry and he could never hurt a fly.
HOWEVER, he can be extremely nasty to me when he feels placed in awkward situations. For example, last week my sister graduated high school and my family threw a HUGE pool party. I got in the water with DH because it was nearly 100 degrees outside and he started getting a little more touchy feeling than I liked. I politely asked him to stop and when he asked why I told him I felt uncomfortable with him getting feely with me in front of my family. He proceeded to tell me I was a bitch and he had a sour attitude for the rest of the day.
Another more relevant example would be when I was having excrutiating abdominal pain at 14 weeks along. It took about 45 minutes to drive to the hospital and I was in such bad pain I was BEGGING DH to let me ride with the cop at the red light next to us. He proceeded to tell me how big of a bitch I was and that we will get there when we get there.
I would speak to my doula about it (that’s what she’s for!) but she is actually the parent of one of the children in DH’s class (he’s a teacher) so I feel that it would make things awkward for her.
I’ve talked to him about this before. I told him that if he does ANYTHING to inhibit my labor from progressing (name calling, snide remarks, etc) I will have him thrown out of the room so fast. His response? “You can’t do that. It’s my kid too.” I’ve been thinking about it more as the pregnancy progresses and it’s actually made me kind of dread it.
I guess what I’m wondering is: has anyone had a partner like this and had them turn out to be a wonderful support system? Who can I talk to about this? Thanks ladies!
Post # 3
I don’t like that he lashes out at you :/ Name calling is stinky! However, I think that in that moment it will be different for him, perhaps he will be more understanding. Now, I think you should tell your doula. What happens if it happens in the delivery room? She will see it then and maybe just think it’s new for him. I would rather preface her with the information so that she can be aware and help you and DH.
Post # 4
Woah! How long until your due date? I would think some counselling is in order to work through the name calling in “awkward situations”, and the sooner the better. I think that calling you a bitch when you are uncomfortable or in pain is so far beyond the line it isn’t even funny. How is he going to react when you are both exhausted, and the baby is crying, and you are recovering from birth? I think telling the doula is the least of your concerns TBH. Also, if you can’t be totally open with your doula, you should probably consider finding someone else.
Edited to add: If he does lash out/call you names in the hospital setting, be prepared that the nurses will have to report it to social work, and then they will have to get involved and assess the situation. I have witnessed parental name calling in the NICU, and it lead to the family having child welfare checks in the home for a few months after discharge.
Post # 5
@Ms Mini: I’m due October 9th. Do you think our Bradley classes may act as a form of “counselling”? Like, maybe it will kind of educate him further as to what is going on with my body when and how to react to me? I think his main thing is that he doesn’t like being “called out” and when he is called out, he gets defensive/reactive because he doesn’t understand what’s going on. I’m hoping our 12 week bradley program will educate him and therefore he won’t feel the need to be reactive. You know what I mean?
Post # 6
@firsttimemom: OK so after what Ms. Mini said “be prepared that the nurses will have to report it to social work”
I was chatting with a friend who works in labor and delivery and she said that if a spouse name calls, and definatley if they use the word “bitch”, they will escort him off he premises and he will not be allowed to participate in the delivery. She said they’ve actually had Dad’s arrested right on the labor and delivery floor. Yikes! Tell DH to keep it in check!
Post # 7
@mwitter80 & @Ms Mini oh wow! I was not aware of this… how do I even bring that up to him? Maybe I could call ahead and request this information to be gone over in our next prenatal appointment. hmm..
Post # 8
@firsttimemom: I don’t know your bradley classes will be “enough”, this is an established pattern of behaviour, and I think that maybe some marriage/personal counselling will be better able to manage his anger in those situations. It won’t just help that the labour and delivery, but also be good for your marriage.
Edited to add: The policy of removing the parent/referral to social work is a nursing issue, more than a physician issue, so I don’t think it is something your doctor would “go over” with you. It falls under a lot of the hospital’s abuse policies that nurses are mostly responsible with enforcing.
Post # 9
@firsttimemom: Does his behaivor bother you? or do you not take it personally? Are you just worried about what others will think? Or are you worried that this is abusive?
Post # 10
Honestly, I think you two need some couple’s counseling. That is in no way appropriate behavior when you are in pain and scared that something might be wrong with your baby.
Post # 11
I don’t care how uncomfortable he feels, it is completely uncalled for and inappropriate for him to ever call you names or treat you poorly like that. It sounds like he’s completely overreacting and it’s absurdly unfair to you for him to react the way he does. You should not have to anticipate what should be your biggest support being your worst nightmare while you’re trying to give birth! I know you love him, and I’m sure he has redeeming qualities and loves you, but that still doesn’t make it okay for him to act like that. I agree with Ms Mini. I think that you should attempt to get in some type of counseling and maybe focus on ways to cope with stressful or uncomfortable situations in calm and collected ways. I also think it would be a good idea to tell your doula because if he acts that way during your labor it would most likely be shocking and concerning to her, so it would probably help if she had some type of warning. Good luck, I hope that you can figure it out and he’ll be the great support you deserve!
Post # 12
@Ms Mini: Thanks for the heads up! We’ll look into counselling.
@mwitter80: Honestly, I’m not the nicest person at times either. I take it as we all have our moments and at the end of the day we talk everything out and go to bed content. I’m worried that I’ll be in the middle of a contraction or begging for pain meds and he will resort to name calling. I will completely shut down due to his remarks and my progression of labor will slow down/stop.
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: Thanks for your input we’ll definitely look into it.
@Katew1222: “You should not have to anticipate what should be your biggest support being your worst nightmare while you’re trying to give birth!” You’re right. Thank you.
Post # 13
Sorry you’re dealing with that. Some counseling in “fair fighting” would be a good start.. that should atleast cover the name calling and other aggressive/passive-aggressive tendencies that can be harmful long term.
Even on bad days name-calling shouldn’t be accepted or condoned. Something I learned after being with my ex- who reacted much the same as your DH in similar situations.
Pregnancy & Labor really are the easy parts and least streneous parts of parenting and if his reaction to being called out or when feeling awkward b/c of lack of knowledge comes out in name-calling or just being mean then you can almost be sure that it will only progress unless you both see that some ways towards each other just isn’t acceptable.
I mean he’s certain to make a bottle wrong in tiredness or not remember feeding schedule or forget to pack something in the diaper bag or so many more things that could provoke this behaviour. And I’m sure that neither of you want your children to see that or think that talking to people like that is okay.
It’s definitely a tough spot to be in, but it’s better to think about the long term affects now rather than seeing how your son/daughter treats others or lets others treat them.
Maybe your doula can help point you in a good direction for counseling or even books to read together to learn some better communication skills =)
Post # 14
other ladies have already giving you the advise that i would but i wanted to say that i think name calling should never be allowed – yes we get upset and angry and moody but to call you a bitch multiple times, that is not acceptable
goodluck, i hope you both agree to seek help to communicate differently because you will soon be raising a child and i would hate for him/her to think its ok to speak to you like that *hugs*
Post # 15
There is no way that him calling you a bitch and verbally abusing you is OK. I’d suggest professional counciling right away because I don’t think a real man would call his pregnant wife a bitch because she is in pain or doesn’t want to be touchy feely infront of her family. You need to draw the LINE. If my fiance did that kind of stuff to me, I’d throw his ass out. I demand respect in my relationship and so should you! I hate when I see women being called bitches and being disrespected by their husbands. It makes me sick to my stomach because what kind of a man does that to his wife? It does not matter that you are not the “nicest person”, there isn’t an excuse for his behavior. For God’s sake, your on here worried about what he is going to say during your labor! He’s supposed to be with you and supporting you 100% of the way. Name calling is NOT ok. I hope this situation improves for you, I really do.
Post # 16
On another note, as far as the doula is concerned. You are paying this woman to provide a service to you. If you can not, will not or do not feel comfortable talking to her regarding ANY issue you have with this pregnancy then you must find someone that you can. It’s pointless paying someone when you can’t fully utilize them.