Post # 1
I’m a 23-year-old single woman. I am not a virgin–I have had sex with one person (an ex-bofriend I was with for a year). We broke up a year ago and since then I have decided to wait until marriage to have sex again.
However, I am really worried about this decision because it seems that most men will either
1. Not want to wait until we’re married, or<br />2. Already be a “waiter”, but be upset that I’m not a virgin.
Has anyone else been through this?
I’m a bit stressed about it. I’m not claiming to be a “born-again virgin” or anything like that, and I’m not doing this for religious reasons, I’m just doing it to protect myself and respect my future husband.<br /><br />Anyway, any success stories about someone who decided to wait till marriage after already having sex (or someone who was a virgin but married someone who wasn’t) would be greatly appreciated 🙂
Post # 2
PS. I know this question isn’t exactly about weddings/marriage…but I’ve seen some sound advice in other posts on here, so I hope you don’t mind me asking…
Post # 3
I don’t know if this will be helpful. I think it’s a good idea that you have a strong idea of where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Keep in mind, too, that with the right relationship, things might change–we all have things we’d never do (move across the country? date a Republican?), but then we find love and our perspectives and priorities change.
Certainly someone who’s a good fit for you will respect your position on the matter. But I can envision reading another post from you down the road because you found someone wonderful, decided to “take the plunge,” and now feel guilty for back-tracking on your stance. Your future husband will love you for you, no matter your sexual history. It may be better to think of yourself as waiting for a healthy relationship as opposed to waiting for marriage.
Post # 4
onemorethyme: When I read your post I immediately thought of author, Jennifer Lucy Tyler. She practiced abstinence for six years and ultimately married a virgin in 2012. She has a book Dried Tears, A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming that tells her beautiful and inspirational story.
Here is a link- http://jenniferlucyinspires.com/dried-tears/#more-353
I can’t say that every guy, virgin or not, will be ok with your decision but I can confidently say that the one who is perfect for you will! I wish you the best of everything!
Post # 5
A little bit different of a take, both my FI and I are virgins, and we’ve waited 6 years so far, and we are getting married mid 2015, and waiting until then. I’m not sure if that helps you, but my FI is great about it.
Post # 6
I waited until I met my FI although not until we got married. I didn’t want to have sex with just anyone and wanted it to be with someone I loved. It took until I was 35 but was worth it.
Post # 7
onemorethyme: While it’s your choice to wait until marriage, you are right that it can be a tough sell in this day and age, especially when you have had sex before. I agree with other posters that it is a lot easier to have a firm stance on no sex before marriage when you aren’t in a relationship. Once you meet someone you truly care about the temptation is going to be high. So I think it is a good idea to date with an open mind and see how it goes. Maybe waiting will feel right in the long term, maybe it won’t. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about it either way.
Post # 8
Hi- I saw your thread and wanted to give you hope that there are good guys out there. I met my SO at 24, he was 25 and a virgin (I was not). He wasn’t specifically waiting for marriage, but probably would have been fine waiting (but I was not). He just never had a serious gf before me. We waited 8 months, but knew about 6 months in that we were both in this relationship to get married to each other. We have been toghether for 3.5 years, are not yet engaged, but with a timeline to get engaged this summer / married next fall.
There are guys out there between your 1 & 2.
Post # 9
onemorethyme: I was a virgin until 22 and dated a guy over a year. The first date I went on after we broken up, the guy decided he wanted sex whether I did or not. After that I lost pretty much any respect for myself and slept with almost any guy that acted like they wanted it. I eventually started to respect myself again. My FI and I ended up having sex the first night we met. He was a virgin. After about six months of dating, we talked about it and decided we no longer wanted to due to religious reasons. We are both very religious. That was December 2011. We are getting married in June and are both rather giddy about getting to finally express our love in the greatest way possible. I’ll be honest, it has been very difficult but I am sure it will be worth it.
Post # 10
Thank you everyone for sharing 🙂 It’s nice to hear from people with such a wide variety of experiences 🙂
I’ll try not to think about everything in black and white, since it sounds like there are some good guys out there who will be okay with waiting 🙂
Calyse–I’m really impressed that you have the willpower to do that! Deciding not to have sex after already having sex must be challenging, but I know your honeymoon will be wonderful 🙂
Some have suggested that I keep an open mind when I start dating someone seriously, but the problem is that I already tried that and it REALLY didn’t work…it’s taken me over a year to get over the heartbreak/guilt, and the last thing I want to do is make the same mistake again…
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm
H and I were both virgins. I always knew that I didn’t want to have sex until I was married, and H was waiting for the right person. Since I was the right person, he was very supportive and understanding about me wanting to wait. While I am religious, my choice to wait until marriage was not because of my faith. I didn’t grow up in a religious household, and I wasn’t taught that pre-marital sex is wrong. I just always knew that I personally wouldn’t be ready to deal with the potential consequences of sex until I was married. I never cared about whether the person I was dating was a virgin. I only cared about whether they were willing to accept that having a relationship with me would not include sex.
I guess my point is that I understand the frustration of looking for a parter who will respect and support your decision. It’s hard to deal with the pressure from guys who want you to have sex with them and people who think whether or not you’re having sex is their business. But there are people out there who will understand and support you. And you will find a partner who will love you for who you are, not whether or not you’ll have sex with them right then or whether or not you’ve had sex in the past.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I can’t exactly relate on personal experience, but I have a few friends who have been in similar situations, one was a couple (neither were virgins) who decided to wait until marriage, they were only together for a very short time, started dating in the fall, engaged by the following spring, and married before their 1 yr anniversary, but it worked for them.
I also have another pair of friends, he wasn’t a virgin but she was, they were together for a few years before marriage and they waited. For her it was a religious thing, and it was important to him too.
While we didn’t decide to wait, I could count the number of intimate situations I’d been in before I met my husband on one hand… he on the other side of things, got around… a lot… In the early years it bothered me, I was afraid I would somehow be too inexperienced for him, or somehow unworthy because he had been with so many different people (why would he want to stay with boring old me?) But we worked through those feelings as a couple, and now our marriage is stronger as a result.
If someone is meant to be a partner for life, they’ll accept ALL of you, past, present, and future, without compromise. Anyone who can’t do that isn’t worth your time or love.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I say have sex. Life is way too short to not have sex.
Post # 14
You need to do what feels right to you. And if a man doesn’t respect your decisions and beliefs- then he is not the RIGHT man.
Post # 15
Definitely what PP said – you need to do what is right for YOU. A guy who respects you, and who wants to be with you, will wait.
But don’t rule anything out. If you feel you trust and love someone, and want to express your love in that way, then don’t hold back for fear of being hurt. Being hurt is part of life sadly. It’s how you bounce back from it that shapes your life to come.
Personally I was quite promiscuous when I was 19/20 ish. At the time it was all good fun, didn’t matter etc. But I do often now wish I had waited more, and saved it for someone special. When I met my FI we waited about 3 months, which for me was quite a long time. I didn’t want to mess what we had up (he was so sweet and loving to me), and he respected me taking as long as I wanted or needed. He said he would have waited forever if he had to!
The right guy will come along, and he will want to be with you for you, abstinence and all! Just have to be patient and honest 🙂