Post # 1
My fiance’s family is for lack of a better word, GHETTO. We were supposed to have a small wedding of about 75 people, but so many of our loved ones want to attend that our guest list has balloned to 200. The max occupancy is 200, thank god. I am a transplant in the city I live in so all my family live out of town. Well all of them are coming! Initially we did not think most of my fiances family would attend, they do in live in the same city, but my fiance is just not very close to them because most of them are just losers. There are a handful of his family that we really wanted to share that day with, but most we were just trying to avoid inviting. Our wedding next month, and out of the blue the ones we did not want to invite are calling him saying, “Are we not invited”? I’m happy that they want to be part of our day but our wedding is formal and i doubt any have clothing to suit the occasion. Okay, now that I have said that lets talk about an even bigger issue. His mother, well that this is very very bad. She was, and i suspect still, a drug addict. Her brain is completely fried and her face has that haggard look. But worst of all she has those facial twitches that drug addicts have. I am mortified for my family to have to see that I am marrying into the worst family ever. My fiance, along with a handful of his cousins, is an exception. He has a very high IQ and is very successful, and at the young age of 31 is already in senior management. His intelligence and ambition is what keeps me attracted to him. The fact that he came from extreme poverty has always made me proud. Bottom line is that we seldom see his mother or his family but like 2-4 times a year, which is great for me but i am sad that i don’t have a good in-laws.
As far as he is concerned, he says that i am making a big deal about it and thinks that his family will behave. Almost every one of their family functions involves some type of altercation (verbal and/or physical). He said that he will talk to specific people who are known to act up before the wedding. I expressed to one of his cousins my concerns, a cousin is actually normal, and said that as far as my fiance is concerned they will be on their best behavior. I do have to admit that he is highly respected with his family, so that gave me some relief. Either way, I will make him make those phone calls so that they know that they better behave.
Post # 3
Ugh I’m so sorry for you! What drama. That must be so hard to handle. I’m sure you just want your family to think only good things about your Fiance and his family…. and theres such a big possibility they are going to ruin things at the wedding 🙁 I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that they behave themselves!
Post # 4
Maybe you could make the bartender aware of the troublemakers so that he can cut them off with your permission so it doesn’t turn into a huge problem.
Other than that, it is the family you will be marrying into, so you family needs to try to accept them for who they are. Who knows maybe a little of your family will rub off on them.
Just try to stay positive, don’t worry about all that stuff, other people will be there to handle any out of hand situations, your job is to enjoy the day!
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2009 - Our Lady of Grace Catholic Church (LaCoste, TX) and Mary Gray Events Center (Castroville, TX)
LIke post 3, alcohol control could be key at this event. Maybe give everyone a couple of drink tickets.
Post # 6
I agree with what everyone is saying you should talk to the bartender and let him know of the situations. As a bartender he/she should know how to deal with the situation of cutting someone off.
Post # 7
Um, can I say something that won’t likely be very popular?
My dad is pretty heavy into meth and I am very embarrassed of he and his side of the family (they’re similar and very different from both my mom’s side and FILs).
That’s me though, I grew up with it and have to live with that shame every day. No matter how much I battle it that’s there.
HOWEVER I would be absolutely mortified if my fiancé said the things that you said. It would kill me if she said them to me or expressed concern that my family isn’t, I don’t know, good enough to attend our wedding.
You’re bothered that his mom’s face twitches? I bet as her son that’s pretty hard to see too. Go easy.
Imagine what your fiancé is going through with this. Even if he is downplaying it a bit you should try to be sensitive.
Maybe I’m wrong though. I don’t know him or his specific situation. I just know what I’m going through.
It sucks for him that while your mom will look beautiful and elegant on your wedding day his will look “haggard” and drugged out.
I understand that you’re worried about your wedding day, sheesh, I am too, but come on.
You’re “marrying into the worst family ever”? That’s terrible. Even if they do suck your fiance came from that group so I wouldn’t hate on them too much.
Post # 8
Ouch, that’s a tough situation. I would definitely warn all of your loved ones of the potential drama! But I would try not to worry about being embarassed on your day because their behavior isn’t a reflection on you, and it shouldn’t be a reflection of who your fiance is either. I am totally sympathizing because my fiance has family that are less than proper at functions. But we’re thinking more along the lines of just not giving a gift, or RSVPing but not showing up. And his father is a former (or not) drug addict and I see how that effects my guy, mrssoontobe is right, it must be so difficult to see, try not to express these valid concerns to him. His heart must break knowing she’s got such a bad problem.
I hope it all works out. I’d ask some of the normal cousins to monitor the behavior the others. If they care they’ll do it as a gift to you both!
Post # 9
@Miss SoonToBe- I think you make a valid point. I’m sure it is harder on her Fiance than on her, and hopefully when (or if) she talks directly to him about this she uses a boatload of compassion. I still think that she can be concerned though. As someone whose family is VERY important to me… I want my family to have absolutely nothing but warm and happy feelings about my union to the man I love. My family would be very concerned about me marrying a man with a family who has drug and violence problems. Maybe that isn’t right, but I am their first priority and they want nothing but norman rockwell happiness for my future. I understand that she just wants the day to be nothing but happy without all that drama.
Post # 10
Hi there, just wanted to add my two cents as well…..Reading your words came off as super harsh, so Im gonna have to side with MissSoonToBee as well! No one marries into a “perfect family”….everyone has their quirks!!! I know its exactly a month until your wedding, so I am sure you are super stressed, but just try to relax! Everything will go well, and I think the best thing (although you might not agree right now) is that your families are coming together to celebrate you and your FI! How cool is that? How many times will they get together, ever again, honestly? Everyone will be coming from out of town for our wedding celebration, and we are both so excited and happy to think that this might be one of the few if not the ONLY time that they will ALL get to meet and mingle together…Its pretty cool to think about. I hope you see the positive in that, despite the negative experiences you have had with his family.
Post # 11
While I agree with MissSoontoBee about the need for compassion, I think it is okay to acknowledge you are embarrassed. That is a genuine emotion, and pretending you don’t feel it isn’t going to make it go away. I would think about who specifically you are worried about (your grandparents, friends?) and maybe give them them a heads up that some members of his family have issues. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to distance yourself from drug addicts, and that is a boundary you will need going forward. However, not wanting to invite people because they can’t afford fancy clothes or don’t fit into your aesthetic vision of the day… that part you have to get over. Weddings should be authentic reflections of two people, and two families joining together, not a chance to play princess and pretend like everything on Earth is beautiful and perfect. Your fiance should know that you are proud of who he is, even more so because of where he has come from, and that you love him and love his family for their role in creating that man. Good luck.
Post # 12
Yes, I acknowlege that my post was harsh and totally from only my perspective. The purpose of my post was to vent my anxiety and it gave me comfort that so many other people are also having family drama. We are paying for this wedding entirely ourselves so i don’t think trying to attain the type of wedding I want, we want, is too much for me to ask. My fiance does know about my anxiety because he has them too and we talk about everything. My fiance has only started to talk to his mother again within the past two years, he went over five years without any communication because although he turned out great his four siblings did not. His youngest brother and only sister are both in jail and will be for a long time. It is hard for me to have compassion for someone who put their family, her own flesh and blood, thru hell so sorry. And it was him who initially excluded his family when we were sending the invitations. The bottom line is that i think everything will turn out great because we have been planning everything out for the past two years and it is finally materializing, but it is still stressful. I don’t think i merited the backlash i have recieved. Both my fiance and i are very ambitious. YOu know his story, and i am a first generation american and the first member of my family to recieve a graduate degree so yes i do find it hard to relate to people who do absolutely nothing to better themselves.