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I think you'll surprise yourself and feel happy when the time comes. Maybe it won't be the whole surprise/ultra romantic fantasy proposal, but you'll still be engaged at the end of the day. That's usually what happens and was how it was for me. The resentment you feel will probably fade away with time- 1 year after the proposal it will seem like a minor blip, 5 years from now it won't matter a bit.
Don't blame yourself for the way you're feeling now - it's at least 50% on him as well, for dragging it out this long, right? You didn't make him delay this. A guy doesn't "have to" propose until he feels like it - but that's not to say there won't be consequences for pushing it beyond what the woman was comfortable with.
I don't get this whole 'I was so surprised I was blown away' feeling that most ladies have when they are proposed to. Well, maybe you WEREN'T expecting it right when he did. But you had an inkling it was coming right? I mean, before folks get engaged they have discussed it right? So, it's just the timing that is left. I'm sorry you feel like you have pushed and pushed but sometimes, sometimes, you areally have to push men or else they will date you, buy a house with you, have kids with you, share bills etc but never make the relationship legal. I think you should just look forward to your wedding and married life and trust me, you will surprise yourself at how happy you will be when he finally does propose.
I felt like you before my FI proposed - we got together the same time as his BF, and they got married 3 years before us. On the way back from a friend's wedding in Sep 2007, he talked about bringing wedding plans forward, which got me all excited...he didn't propose until May 2009!
We went on holiday in 2008, and I was holding my breath for a week, expecting a proposal, but no dice.
I got frustrated, angry, upset - I straight out asked him what his intentions were (I really started to wonder if he was waiting for something better) - and even when he told me he was committed, I didn't believe him.
On the day he actually did it, I half expected him to (the circumstances were very suggestive), but when the moment finally came, I can't tell you what the wave of emotion felt like! It was crazy - he hardly got the words out when I was crying and saying yes over and over.
I really thought that I would be girl who said "About bloody time!" Totally didn't happen like that.
One way I thought about it that made it feel a little better while I waited for him was to remember that this is the last big secret between you, forever. And what a nice secret! That thought got me through the last few months :)
I bet you will be happier and more surprised than you think you will be.
I had a breakdown, sobbing, hissy fit when the last of our "group" got engaged, and it wasn't us. We've been together longer than everyone else in the rest of the group, and we will be the last to get married. I feel horrible about my pressuring him.
BUT, that being said, it got the ball rolling, and since my BF is about as subtle as an anvil dropping on your head, I know it's happening this week, and I'm already giddy and excited. I've barely slept at night since he told me he ordered the ring because I'm anticipating it so much. I'm so excited that it's almost torture now.
My Fiance (weird to get used to saying!) proposed last week. We had talked about marriage a lot and the situation was that of which I almost expected him to propose...but I wasn't getting my hopes up.
The moment was low key and it was perfect. I was excited but it was different then it being a completley random proposal (I think). It just seemed natural and to me that seemed right. It was just like everything we had ever talked about or planned was now official and that made me really happy. =)
So sorry if this is not what you want to hear, you may not have the same thrill you would if it was unexpected but that doesn't mean you won't be very happy! It will still be a great moment! This could also too just be my experience.
I think the completely "surprise" proposal is so rare. It's comforting for me to hear other Bees say that while they didn't enjoy "pushing", it was necessary to move the process along. I have to remember sometimes that it is OK to share my feelings with BF. Sharing your feelings is different than nagging, if you communicate well. I worry too that it will be "too late", that I've descended into bitterness already. There's been a recent engagement (yesterday) in our group, if you couldn't tell, LOL!
HA!
Ah, the waiting game. 7 years, my friend. SEVEN years. I got frustrated, I threw thigns, I yelled, I threatened. Nothing was going to make him do it any faster. He had his reasons - he wanted me to get my finances in order and he didn't want to lose the farm on a ring. Well, he never did have to buy a ring b/c my Dad gave him my Grandmother's ring but....I worried the same things you did. I waited 2 months after he had her ring, too, btw....
Anyways, I worried I wouldn't be happy b/c I was so pissed off at waiting so long! In the end, that all went out the door when he was down on one knee. I forgot to say yes I was so flustered and then...you go into planning mode. All beforehand is forgotten. Honestly. Though, I did ask him if he would have proposed when he did if he hadn't been given a ring and he said probably not. Meh. 
We were together over 6 years by the time he proposed to me. Pretty sure I picked a fight the week of, or the week before about not being engaged yet. My friend picked a fight with her FI the night before he proposed! Bottom line is, you will be excited. He will be excited. All the fighting/tears/frusteration just kind of...melts away. I wished I had found WB sooner and didn't put as much pressure on him, but I know that he proposed because he wanted to. Afterall, who agrees to marry someone and commit the rest of their life to that person just to get them to shut up?
(Wow, I made myself sound like a nag. I wasn't quite that bad, I swear.)
I wasn't "surprised" when my FI proposed because I knew he had bought the ring and all that. I didn't even cry because I'm just not a "cry when happy" kind of person usually. But I was very excited and giddy when I finally had the ring and could start planning, so I definitely think you will be excited. You probably won't be "OMG I can't believe it!" but you'll definitely be excited. :)
I agree with everyone else and you should know you're not alone. All the proposal stories you've seen or heard are probably edited... no one tells the story of how they were anxious and how painful it was to wait... most of us go through that!
my bf and i got into an argument about it a while ago (2 mo or so) and i even made the comment: "i hate how all of the fun and romance has been sucked out of this". Even so, I think when he proposes I will still be excited. Just take a deep breaht, and istead of thinking of the past- the fights, how hard its been- think of what this means for the FUTURE!
good luck, hope to see your proposal post soon :)
I also don't buy all the "wow, gee, I totally didn't see it coming! I was so SUPRISED!" proposal stories. I think about 95% of the time engagement has been discussed prior to the actual proposal and both parties have a pretty good idea of when it's coming.
In my mind, if your guy makes you wait more than 6 months after "the talk," he doesn't get to complain that you've "sucked the romance" or suprise out of it by wanting some information on the progress of things. There are two people involved in a proposal, both with feelings and expectations. One person does not get to dictate all of the terms of your future together. If he makes you wait an extended amount of time knowing the levels of anxiousness and frustration that come with that wait, he gets to deal with the consequences of that. That's just reality.
If a guy wants his proposal to be a suprise with no feelings of resentment or frustration attached to it, he needs to get off his but and make it happen within a reasonable amount of time. You don't get it both ways. If he fails to hold up his end of that unspoken (or spoken, as is often the case) bargain, he can't in good conscience expect his girl to hold up hers (to wait patiently in silence and be so excited and grateful when it happens.)
I knew it was coming, and there is just something so surreal about seeing YOUR guy on one knee in front of YOU - there's no way to not take in that moment and get emotional. You absolutely can't prepare for it, as much as you're frustrated, and as much as you think you'll just be angry, I promise, it will blow you away.
Thanks so much for your responses!
I never expected or even wanted one of those "out of the blue" proposals, I had no problem looking at rings together, etc. The problem is not that it wont be a surprise, its more that Im no longer looking forward to it. I know if sounds awful, thats what Im so afaid. Im looking forward to our wedding day and getting married and all, but would like the proposal to be skipped, because it seems fake now that he has to asked me if I would marry him after all of our discussions :( Everytime he tells me that he wants it to be special I keep thinking: "then you should have done it months ago" :S
I really hope you are right and all those feelings will vanish when I see him in one knee. Right now all I can picture is mumbling "finally" lol
I'm grateful for this thread. I know it is coming...and it better be soon. (Some of you may recall that he bought the ring 7 months ago). I started thinking that my reaction is going to be something like "it's about bloody time." I don't want to be that girl.
I remembered that I had seen this thread and came back to re-read it. It helped. Thanks, ladies. Here's hoping that time flies by for all of us.
I have two close friends who got married within months of each other. One went through the waiting period, and I thought she was losing her mind. I had just gone through a breakup that tore me to pieces, so I was probably not as supportive as I should have been. I know now what she went through, and we recently had a talk about it. She's very happily married. The other friend who got married was proposed to after 4 months of dating. She was blown away, along with the rest of us. I think the big huge surprise proposals might be more similar to her situation. She said they had never discussed marriage or children or anything other than how "madly in love" they were. Fast forward two years, and she is now miserable. I'm not saying every short engagement or surprise proposal ends up this way, but it definitely makes me appreciate all the time I've had to talk with my guy about anything and everything in life. The waiting period may bring out the worst in us at times, but at least that's something both people get through together. I'd much rather be mildly miserable due to my impatience rather than be absolutely miserable because I didn't get to know the person I married. The waiting period ends, and the marriage is forever. Even if your proposal ends up being mildly overshadowed with some resentment (which I'm sure it won't) you still get to marry the man you love! :) Even if you do mutter "finally", at least its a story to tell your kids, and you'll laugh about it later.
@cherryblossombee: I just read your last post, and it got me thinking...I don't think that you're not looking forward to the proposal. You're not looking forward to the weekend, b/c honestly, you don't want to get your hopes up again for him not to do it. You aren't looking forward to being disappointed again rather than not looking forward to him proposing.
I think when he finally does propose, you're going to be just as excited as you were when you thought he might. I think what you're doing now is putting up your defense so that you aren't as disappointed if he doesn't do it. And that's completely understandable. You set yourself up thinking, "this is it!" and it isn't...and you're disappointed, and it feels like poop. So don't worry about being excited when he finally does do it...the excitement will certainly be there...he just needs to get on the stick!
Haha...clearly I didn't even realize she got engaged! I didn't notice when she wrote this post! Congratulations!!
I too was a bit of a complainer. FI even ruined the surprise by asking me what I would want to eat if my BF was going to "hypothetically propose" on a picnic on his apt's balcony that day. So...there was zero surprise. None. Nada.
But, I was SO happy! I wasn't thinking about the fact that I knew it was coming, I was thinking about the fact that it was finally happening! So no worries, I'm sure your day will be special! Suprises are highly overrated IMHO.
I guess I've had one of the few real surprise proposals. I honestly had no clue. Maybe like 1% guess because obiously we had been securely together for over a year. At the time I never thought he could keep a secret, but it was the best ever. A year later we got married and it's been a few months now since the wedding.
My advice (although never in your shoes) is to just relax, but realize you're not alone in this situation. I've heard countless stories of this so its not a big deal.
I caught myself wondering the same thing recently. A few girls at work are/were in the same situation as me--dating long term, waiting and WAITING for the proposal. We all kind of thought the same thing--when he does it will we be surprised or just relieved?? I accidentally told my BF this the other night during one of our discussions and he stiffened up then made some lame excuse that he needed more water and quickly went upstairs. I know it offended him, but I can't help but feel like it will no longer be exciting. i am afraid that the first words out of my mouth will be "it's about time" and that is what I will always remember from that special moment. One of the girls at work came in today with a ring on her finger. When she told us how he did it she sounded like she might have been a little surprised, but it wasn't like you hear in some people's stories where they were shocked and crying. I think some of the bees here are right in saying that nobody can be that surprised unless you haven't been dating very long, but I think the surprise can come in if he does it in a special way (and doesnt give any hints about it at all). My bf can be read like a book, so I am hoping that he will at least keep it super secret when he goes to do it. But the fact of the matter is, WHEN WILL HE DO IT?! and when/if he does will I even be excited anymore? Keep us posted-it sounds like he may have done it already--if he did, how did you feel/react?
I knew when it was going to happen, so there was no surprise, but I was still blown away by the emotion. Try to not get as caught up in needing to be engaged (I am not sure how you could do that!), it sounds like you want the technicality of the engagement more than the relationship, and I feel like that's a slippery slope. Good luck!
On our 4 year anniversary he said to me "this may be the last anniversary with us as bf/gf" then the year went by and the 5 year anniversary came and he said "eh, it will happen, I don't know if I'm ready yet" We had a few fights, my mom would ask him every time she saw him, my neices weren't allowed to call him Uncle- and this was after we had been living together already for almost 3 years. He told me he was saving for the ring but it was going to take some time to get the money he needed. Every holiday, vacation or special occasion I would get anxious and hope it was going to happen. Then one day he told me he wanted to go to the park bc he wanted to take picuters. He likes taking pictures so I thought nothing of it. and there we were in my favorite park and he is on one knee with an amazing ring in a box. I almost passed out - I may have had to wait longer than I wanted to but the moment was so special and unexpected that I wouldn't trade that extra time for anything. We are about your age too - 25 and 26 and together for 5 1/2 years. So my point here is, it will happen and it will be special- even if you know it is coming you are going to be engaged to the man you love and that is an amazing feeling all on its own!
I worry about this all the time whether I'll resent him for making us wait so long. And I have heard married women resenting that they got engaged after the "exciting relationship point."
Maybe you could tell your boyfriend exactly what you expect and when you expect it so you won't be disappointed when he doesn't meet your expectations of the "this is how we got engaged" story?
I agree, make sure you tell him for example "I dont want you to propose in front of lots of people, or my family etc" That way he knows you may want something private... or maybe you DO want that. Either way a little heads up could ease your stress!
i felt the same way. the practical part of me was happy we had talked things out, he had asked me some opinions on rings, had me go get sized, etc. but as the days went by, i just wanted it to happen already and i thought my response would be like "oh nice, it's about time." but when the night actually came--and he managed to catch me completely off-guard and planned possibly the greatest proposal ever (yeah, i'm biased)--i found my heart beating so hard it felt like it would explode and i had a huge dopey grin on my face for days. we went to dinner after the proposal and our waitress said to us, "are you two celebrating something? because the two of you look abnormally happy." so i totally shared your fears but they ended up being completely unfounded.
I'm so sorry I have been MIA lately girls, I was out of town for a concert and then a bit under the weather, but I'm all better now. I should have updated this thread when it happened... I wasn't only excited when he proposed, I was BLOWN AWAY!!! Someone said it: it's something really especial to see the man you love in one knee popping the question. I wouldn’t change a thing about it and felt horrible for the thoughts and feelings, not only of the precedent weeks but also felt bad about my behavior of the last months, the moment it became clear that he had been planning something all along while I was being a b*tch! Of course, this is all very easy to think in hindsight. If there’s someone else out there worrying about it I have one piece of advice: DON’T! You WILL BE excited and over the moon and happy as ever!
@2PeasinaPod: you hit the nail on the head, I absolutely was trying to protect myself from yet another disappointment, it was 100% a defense mechanism… what’s weird is that I kind of was conscious about it all along, but guess I really needed not to keep my hopes up and felt like I should hang on to those bad feelings.
@cherryblossombee: I'm glad you're feeling better and I wanted to say again how grateful I am that you shared your story!
I think it's really natural not to want to get your hopes up. Yes it is a defense mechanism, but on the other hand we do feel how we feel about it....and we can't just magically turn our feelings off. Of course you feel bad about the last few months, and working through that and sharing with him, even if it got ackward/ugly at times, may have been uncomfotable but everything turned out OK. I try to remember this in my worst waiting moments.
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Don't get me wrong: I love the guy and want t marry him desperately. And if he had proposed 1 year ago when we hadn’t even talked about it, or 8 months ago when he said we couldn’t be in a LDR any longer and the solution was to get engaged and get married, or 5 months ago after he told me let’s go look at rings… even 3 months ago when I was impatiently waiting without bringing it up and doing my nails every time we saw each other I would have been ecstatic!!!! Actually even 3 months ago I couldn't get myself off wedding bee because of the excitement. But now, after so many times planning our monthly reunions thinking “this is it” only to be disappointed later, after inevitable discussions when I ended up telling him that what hurts is that he hasn’t done it already and not that I think that he isn’t going to do it eventually, after some tears, after pointing out to him how people that met the same day we met are not only engaged but getting married this summer, after telling him that when he says that he’s saving up for a ring it’s only an excuse because he drives an extremely expensive car and because they give credit in every jewelry shop, after he apologized saying he knows he should have planned better and that he should have started thinking about our future together sooner than he did…. after ALL THAT and some more I feel like it might be finally happening because he insisted in meeting up in my hometown this month, which we rarely do… the problem is I don’t feel excited. I feel like I took away the thrill and magic of the event with my complaining and discussions about the topic. I think of the moment and conclude with horror that I would only feel resentment that he didn’t do it sooner. I don’t see myself jumping or shouting or crying of happiness. I haven’t even done my nails!!
I don’t want my proposal story to be like this, with no climax, with shadows of resentment towards him. A friend tells me to relax, that it doesn’t matter what I think I will feel, in the real moment I will be overjoyed. I want to think I will but I’m afraid. I had to share it with the bees.
Is there any other waiting bee feeling like this? For those already engaged: did any of you feel that when the big question was finally asked you would want to respond: “it was about time”? :S
Help!!