Worried About Parent's Reaction?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@nber0815:  I know you want your parents to be happy about you becoming engaged but if you’re so stressed about how your parent will react if he asks their permission, you might want to consider telling your BF not to ask your parents.

If your parents are just going to put a damper on the engagement, then I wouldn’t have your BF ask them for permission to propose to you. :/

But that’s just me. Other than that, I have no advice that I can think of. Hopefully other bees will be able to provide a different perspective. 

Post # 4
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@nber0815:  It sounds like your in a similar situation to me. Personally, I know when the time comes and SO proposes I will have to say it straight to my parents: “We have been together __ many years and we are ready to get married. We love you and will be including you in most of the planning, but we as a couple are choosing a date and year and from there we can plan this together.”

My mum doesn’t want me moving out of home until I am at least 25. It’s ridiculous. The only reason I’m staying home is because SO only got his first home in May, so while I am here I can save extra money. My parents don’t want me marrying until 2016, but we are aiming for end of next year. My advice to you is that you are an adult and it’s up to you and your partner to decide on when you get married. Sure our parents will be upset/angry, etc. but it isn’t going to be their marriage is it? I would talk to your SO and just go with whatever suits you as a couple.

Post # 5
Member
6869 posts
Busy Beekeeper

 When the time comes, your mom may make some comments to you about the fact that your BF still  years of school ahead, and you don’t need to rush things, but I sincerely doubt she will try to put any kind of real damper on things for you.  If she’d  do that now, she’d likely do it later on, as well.     I wonder if she’s worried about the cost of paying for a wedding.   

Post # 6
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Our parents will be excited but at the same time think we’re not ready-and they won’t hide that opinion

Post # 7
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Why involve your parents at all? This is a decision between you and your boyfriend. You get engaged because you want a life together. Your parents will go along with it if they care about you being happy (and they already like him). So why give them the chance to put a damper on your special occasion? And if they do, well, you’re an adult, so it’s up to you to be enthusiastic enough for everyone until they come around 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@LauraJay:  I agree!!

This is your life decision! Time to cut that umbilicol cord!

Post # 9
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I can’t speak for OP, but I would like my parents to be happy for me when I get engaged. I will do what is best for me either way, but it would hurt not to have their support

Post # 10
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You really shouldn’t be having him ask for their permission. He doesn’t need their permission. You two are adults and perfectly capable of deciding to get married without anyone’s permission. If you would like him to talk to them he could say something along the lines of “I want you to know that I love your daughter very much and that I will be asking her to marry me soon. I know it would mean a lot to her to have your support while we plan our wedding.” Or something like that. My fiancé talked to my parents before he proposed but it was more like that. A heads up that he was proposing. No opening for them to say no he didn’t have their permission or that they thought it was a bad idea.

FWIW my mom always said she wanted me to wait to get married (this was before my fiancé was in the picture). She and my dad have been together since high school and she turned him dowon a couple of times because she didn’t think they were old enough to be married (I don’t remember how old they were but it wasn’t when they were 18 or anything. They were well into their 20s and she still didn’t think they were old enough). I’m 24 and when we got engaged and I was about to call my mom and tell her I hesitated because I thought she wouldn’t be happy because in her mind I’d be too young. Turns out my fianceé had talked to my parents so she already knew he’d be asking but I didn;t know that when I told her. She was happy for me. Not a word about being too young or waiting a bit.

 

 

 

Anyway, the point of all that is, my mom is somewhat the same as your mom as far as age for marriage goes but when I got engaged she was 100% supportive and happy for me. Your mom may just surprise you too.

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@nber0815:  I don’t think your mom should have a say in when you get married, but I can relate to the fact that telling your parents you’re engaged is completely terrifying. It took me three days to work up the courage to tell my parents. I don’t know why I was so afraid, I just was. But I can tell you that once I did it, everything was fine. My mom respected my decision to get married and it was a big relief. I guess I was worried she would say that we were rushing things since we were only dating 10 months when we got engaged but she didn’t say anything.

Post # 12
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If your mom is like other moms out there, she might initially ask if the two of you are sure if now is the right time, but I bet she will then say, “All right. Let’s do this,” and go into happy wedding planning mode.

 

Post # 13
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@nber0815:  I’m kind of in the same position… SO’s parents have been unconditionally supportive of us, my dad (mom is deceased) doesn’t really view “support” as part of his job. Sure, he likes my SO and ends texts with “love you guys” and all that, but was SHOCKED when my SO first mentioned that our plan was to eventually marry. My fear is that my dad won’t want us to get married until we’re more financially stable/ won’t want us to have a wedding (he already told me he thinks I should just get married in Vegas when the time comes)/ will generally focus on how it will affect him, namely financially, when we tell him. Oh well. 

I guess my best advice is to remind you that you are not alone, many others have faced parents who weren’t supportive or gushy about an engagement, and to remember that marriage is at its essence a break from your family and role as a child. This cannot help but create tension, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. If you feel like you’re ready for marriage, hopefully your mom will respect that decision even if she does not agree with it. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
291 posts
Helper bee

@nber0815:  I haven’t got any good advice, but I feel you! I’m terrified of telling my parents when the time comes, and I’m not sure why, except that I’m really close with them and it would kill me not to that’ve their love and unconditional support. I *think* they like my OH, times we’ve never talked about it! 

Post # 16
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@nber0815:  Ok that’s good. I’ve seen some posts on here about guys who legit asked for permission and were turned down. That just puts everyone in a sticky situation. Glad your mom seems to be coming around to the idea!

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